Oh me, oh my, I've returned from a weekend Winston-Salem wedding, this football nonsense has finally expired, and baseball can finally return from the backburner after a barnburner that ended so late last night, poor Willy Aybar still hasn't woken up yet. Tonight's NLCS Game Three pits the Phillies and their two home wins tucked neatly into their Lee jeans against the Dodgers and their aging Red Sox infused roster. Yes, Nomar is starting tonight.
Your lineups follow:
Glog starts after the jump. If you came here looking for the classy Sooze of Babes Love Baseball, tough noogies, come back tomorrow night. Tonight, you get your fill of Rob Iracane.
8:10PM: Sooze has so graciously ceded her liveglog slot to me so I can take care of some personal business tomorrow night. Here's a secret: I just don't want to deal with a 43,928-pitch ALCS game. Shhh!!
8:15PM: New Head & Shoulders formula shampoo gives you awesome fleckless hair. Funny, I always thought those flecks were important for the human mating dance.
8:20PM: Celebrities shown on FOX so far tonight in the first three minutes of coverage at Dodger Stadium: Tiger Woods. Celebrities shown on FOX during the first two entire games of coverage at Citizens Bank Park: I thought I saw Louie Anderson but that might have been some other fat, gay, unfunny guy.
8:23PM: Tuesday night on a very special House: someone gets really sick, doesn't understand why, and only House can figure out wh...hey, it's Danny DeVito and Rob McElhenney from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"! This is a FOX star take I can approve of!
8:26PM: Your broadcast team consists of Joe "I Gave Up Football Today for This" Buck and Tim "I Once Wrote a Book Called Baseball For Brain Surgeons. Really. Rob Iracane Owns It." McCarver. They've been together long enough that baseball fans everywhere have learned to deal with their hatred of the pair and just be glad it's not Joe Morgan.
8:29PM: Kuroda starts off strong, throwing six straight strikes and retiring Rollins and Victorino. If Rinku and Dinesh are in attendance tonight, they would remark aloud at the Japanese gentleman's propensity to strike. Rinku might say, "Hiroki Sir is striking with good frequency." Of course, as soon as I finished typing this line, Kuroda walked Utley.
8:33PM: Regarding the Phillies' stolen base skills: the team's success rate topped 80% for two straight years, making them one of the best basestealing teams in history. And on that note, Utley got thrown out stealing with two outs with a nice dig out of the dirt by
DeWitt Furcal. Joe Buck would have done a better job ID'ing the Dodgers players if he hadn't, you know, spent the last two months calling football games.
8:35PM: Hey, it's Entertainment Tonight's own Mary Hart! I have a different name for her that starts with a 'c' and rhymes with something that Juan Pierre likes to do a lot at the plate.
8:37PM: I hope none of our readers have epilepsy. In other news, Grandpa Jamie has dug himself into quite a deep hole of dung to start this game. Three singles in a row and it's 1-0 Dodgers.
8:40PM: Jamie Moyer is so old his rookie card was printed on actual bark. Moyer gives Russ Martin an idea of how your knees feel at age 65 with an ol' inside howyadoin.
8:43PM: Nomar hasn't started an LCS game since that fateful game seven of the 2003 ALCS. Mayhaps the Dodgers should bring back Grady Little for Derek Lowe's next start, if only to give Camp Tiger Claw a case of agita. Lowe! Garciaparra! Manny! Red Sox West Coast fever!
8:45PM: Casey Blake thanks Mr. Torre for moving him up in the lineup by driving in another Dodger run. 2-0 Los Angelenos.
8:48PM: The Dodgers put five men on base before FOX had a chance to display the handy-dandy "who's in the field" graphic. Maybe someone in the graphics department was trying to figure out why Jayson Werth uses that silly extraneous 'Y' in his name.
8:49PM: Rookie Blake DeWitt makes a Billingsley out of Jamie Moyer with a three-run bases clearing double. 5-0 Dodgers. I haven't seen someone clear out a house with such gusto since my pal Frank projectile vomited from the kitchen to the living room at an apartment party in college. Finally, we're through one.
8:54PM: Ryan Howard "gets into the fun" with a dubble to right field. FOX underestimates the baseball knowledge of its viewership with a graphic illustrating Howard's propensity to tater tot and/or strikeout. What's next, a silly animated baseball teaching us the difference between fastballs and breaking balls? Oh...
8:57PM: Brain surgeon Tim McCarver lets us know that he knew that one wasn't going out because he didn't hear the sweet spot get cracked. Nice job waiting until after the fact to display your supposed 'knowledge', Chuckles.
9:00PM: "When you're five runs ahead, walks are out of the question," says Chuckes McCarver. Just throw strikes is what he is trying to say. Kuroda throws a strike and Pedro Feliz (of all people) drives in the first Phillie run. 5-1 Dodgers.
9:05PM: Here come the Dodgers, once again from the top. This time with feeling. Furcal tater tots and it's 6-1 Dodgers. Forty-six year old lefthanded pitchers, how do you live like this?
9:07PM: Moyer gets an early shower, just early enough to towel off and time-shift "Cold Case" before retiring to his hotel for a 10:15PM bedtime. Think he wears a nightcap? I do.
9:10PM: Here comes right-handed reliever Clay Condrey to do his best imitation of a long reliever. Dude hasn't gone three innings since May 21st and Uncle Cholly has already asked other folks to start warming up, so don't expect the Clay Condrey Era of Good Feelings to last very long.
9:13PM: Condrey goes upstairs and knocks Russ Martin on his tush, then gets Martin to GIDdyuP, ending the Dodgers second inning with minimal damage. Let's go to the third, friends.
9:15PM: Pat Sajak, stud pitcher.
9:17PM: Tim McCarver attempts to and nearly makes my head explode with his convoluted logic pretzels. "Pitchers should retaliate! But pitchers shouldn't hit batters!" Huh?!?
9:20PM: And Kuroda hunts for Victorino's head, luckily missing. Looks like Derek Lowe told Kuroda to "aim for the fruity Hawai'an boy". How do you say that in Japanese anyway?
9:21PM: BENCH CLEARIN TIME, Y'ALL! Manny is getting involved, although he's not quite sure what's going on. He probably thinks that the fracas is over the GEICO Cavemen TV show getting canceled. I feel your pain, Manny, I loved that show! rabble rabble rabble
9:24PM: Note that FOX was headed for a commercial before announcer Joe Buck heroically demanded the cameras stay focused on the brawl, exclaiming "Hold on hold on hold on now!" This just in, Joe Buck has been nominated for the Best Usurping of Authority in a Television Broadcast by a Non-Director. Congratulations, man with head shaped like penis!
9:27PM: Joe Buck cites Bill Plaschke for propagating the simmering contentious attitudes between the Phils and Dodgers, but fails to mention the work of our own Lloyd. Shame, Joe Buck! It's Canadian Thanksgiving!
9:30PM: Joyce DeWitt goes down looking on strike three, bringing up Kur...holy shit a new season of 24! I can't wait to not watch a single fucking second of that horrible show which I have never seen!
9:34PM: So are these commercial breaks longer during the postseason or what? It's as if the television networks want to make more money and have some sort of financial stronghold over Major League Baseball. I'd investigate this further but I'm too busy shopping for a new Volkswagen minivan. Thanks, Brooke Shields!
9:37PM: Fuck, even Tim McCarver stayed up to watch the entire 5 and a half hour game last night. I feel even worse for passing out at 1AM now. I also feel pretty bad for missing that entire inning.
9:42PM: Henry Winkler and Jon Lovitz are in attendance tonight, which further proves my theory that old semi-famous Jewish men love the Dodgers. Heck, Lovitz even played Lasorda!
9:47pm: Lefty J.A. Happ puts two runners on with two outs and pitching coach Rich Douby emerges from the dugout to buy the bullpen some time, and perhaps discuss the ongoing financial crisis in the U.S. and world mark...zzzzzzzzzzz
9:52PM: The Dodgers scored a run just before the fourth ended and it's 7-1 Los Angeles. Joe Buck namedrops the football game happening on a RIVAL NETWORK and baseball fans everywhere sigh and wonder why we can't just have Harry Kalas and Vin Scully alternating games in this series.
9:56PM: Hiroki Kuroda is picking up the pieces for the Dodgers pitching staff, looking like a true ace and using spacious Dodger Stadium to his advantage. In other news, the Chilis commercial with the gigantic chile pepper riding through a car wash makes me either (a) hungry for some chips 'n' salsa or (b) want to drive a gigantic chile pepper through a car wash.
10:02PM: Happ has been putting a bunch of baserunners on but he hasn't given up the farm quite yet. Hey, a Charley Steiner sighting, and his face is as hairless as a baby's bottom! WHERE'S YOUR SEXY BEARD, CHAZ?
10:07PM: Hiroki Kuroda accomplishes what Derek Lowe and Chad Billingsley failed to do: record 17 outs in this NLCS. Jimmy Rollins has been about as successful leading off for the Phillies (1-for-12) as I was leading off this glog by telling my readers that no, Sooze would not be joining us tonight.
10:10PM: The Los Angeles fans booed Shane Victorino as if he had been the instigator of the earlier bench-clearing brawl. That's like blaming Reginald Denny for hi...nevermind, not going there.
10:14PM: Wait a goddamn minute, I think that E-Trade ad just helped me figure out the true source of the financial crisis...BABIES TRADING FUCKING STOCKS ON THE INTERNET. THEY MUST BE STOPPED.
10:17PM: FOX's celebrity cam spots Ryan Seacrest noodling with his BlackBerry while his tranny hooker companion stares at the game with a bored sense of having-no-idea-what-the-fuck-is-going-on. Watch American Idol on FOX, returning this January! Synergy!
10:19PM: Scott Eyre gives us the Phillies' first 1-2-3 inning of the night. Note: Kuroda has retired 13 straight Phillies batters and I forgot to use my 3-2-1 Contact graphic completely.
10:22PM: Chase Utley takes it the other way and breaks the Phillies' streak of ineffectiveness against Kuroda. Have they dug themselves too deep into their hole of despair? Do they have a ladder long enough to climb out of a six-run deficit? Ryan Howard singles and they've got runners on the corners. Let's see.
10:26PM: Pat Burrell keeps the rally a-rallyin' with a bloopie-doo into center. 7-2 Dodgers now and Joe Torre makes some phone calls...and now decides to pull Kuroda in favor of reliever Cory Wade.
10:29PM: If you haven't been to Deadspin yet tonight, take a quick meander over there to check out this horrendous video of Dennis Eckersley and Harold Reynolds singing. It makes me want to die on the inside. Eck should be in Winger.
10:32PM: Jayson Werth fails to check his swing and changes the entire outcome of the game, or so Tim and Joe would have you believe. Don't listen to them, folks. This isn't a butterfly-flapping-its-wings-and-causing-a-hurricane situation, it's just Jayson Werth striking out in a baseball game.
10:36PM: I want FOX to keep a camera trained on Jon Lovitz at all times. I need to know how the Pathological Liar reacts to important baseball plays. Feliz flies out and Manuel will send up Greg Dobbs to pinch hit in the pitchers spot.
10:39PM: Cory Wade escapes any damage to the Dodgers' lead and we're headed to the seventh inning stretch.
10:42PM: Worse commercial: the Poltergeist re-imagining that hawks DirecTV or the Chevy commercial where gas nozzles play hilarious gags on unsuspecting drivers?
10:45PM: Chad Durbin does what other Phillies pitchers failed to do today: he retires Manny Ramirez. He then plunks Martin and somehow manages to avoid the ol' comically-long hook. Hey, I thought both benches had been warned to avoid such shenanigans!
10:49PM: Russell Martin steals second and Chris Coste nearly makes Chad Durbin look like that time
Downtown Julie Brown did that sketch about Stevie Nicks being headless...wow, I went a long way for a really old joke.
10:53PM: Tim McCarver is getting deep on us again. Can't win baseball games without pitching inside! Tell us more about the time you fucking taught Steve Carlton how to pitch, you selfish asshole.
10:58PM: We're through seven innings here, folks. Will this game end before midnight? Better hope so, I'm about to turn into a pumpkin-pie-scented Yankee Candle. They smell like autumn!
11:00PM: Please tell me someone remembers the landmark television show "Just Say Julie". CTC was too young to remember the Golden Age of MTV Comedy. Cory Wade is making mincemeat out of the top of the Phillies lineup here in the eighth, much to the delight of the surprisingly animated L.A. crowd.
11:04PM: According to this McDonalds commercial, Dwight Howard has 30% more lung capacity than me. That means in order to get a similar nicotine high as me when smoking a cigarette, he has to do this.
11:07PM: Angel Berroa is now officially more well-known for a wardrobe malfunction than the time he actually, you know, won Rookie of the Year.
11:08PM: That's the award, not the hilarious movie about a kid with a wacky new ability to pitch blah blah blah.
11:11PM: J.C. Romero walks Furcal. Don't get cute with Ethier, or you'll have to face Manny! And the Phillies five-run deficit might become...deficitier.
11:13PM: Romero escapes the inning, twists his ankle walking off the mound, and limps his way back to the dugout. FOX shows us none of this despite Buck blathering on about it. You're gonna lose your directors credit for that one, Buck!
11:16PM: Here's Jonathan Broxton to do his darndest to close out the Phils. Shouldn't be too hard, he's got a five-run cushion to play with, a 95 MPH fastball, and the league's free-swinginest hitter to lead off the inning.
11:18PM: Ryan Howard grounds out and Pat Burrell strikes out. Weird, those two events are usually the other way around for them.
11:20PM: Jayson Werth and his extraneous 'Y' extend the game a bit with a single to right.
11:21PM: This playoff game is doneskis. Dodgers take Game Three and now trail just 2-1 in the best-of-seven series. Jamie Moyer eats the loss tonight while Hiroki Kuroda earns all the glory for his big win. He'll celebrate at the Viper Room. There's a Faster Pussycat cover band tonight!
11:24PM: Russell Martin throws Kuroda under the bus by denying that he called that pitch and blaming him for throwing
at over Victorino's head. Nice job backing up your pitcher.
11:26PM: My work here is done. Thanks for joining us and commenting along with the liveglog. See you all tomorrow!