Friday Night Liveglog: The Gyroball vs. Baby Jesus

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playoffliveglog.jpgLet me first thank Rob and Camp Tiger Claw for letting me crash this sausage party. I've been super pumped all day! So we get to hang out, drink ice cold cans of PBR together, and watch some playoff baseball. Really? Maybe if something tragic happened to Joe Buck I'd be almost as elated as I am right now.

First thing's first. I'm not from Boston, so I won't be using words like "wicked" and "tahd". I'm from Minnesota, so go ahead and imagine the girl with the side-pony tail from Fargo while you read. Except hot. Maybe just make fun of my accent now to get it out of your system.

The Tampa Bay Rays have made it all the way to the ALCS, you guys. I'm not even sure if they have a real mascot. Someone google that crap for me. They do have that one die-hard fan with the funny wig, though. That guy's pretty crazy.

The Boston Red Sox are coming off yet another World Series Championship, have smokin' hot fans, yada yada yada. They're old hats at this winning business, which is what's gonna make this series interesting for the Rays. And by interesting I mean super badass. So, stick around and I'll be back to talk smack about Derek Jeter, since Rob informed me that if I didn't, he'd kill my entire family. Ruthless bastard.

8:27: I love Harold Reynolds.

8:33: So Game 1 is almost underway, and the tv voice guy has officially made mention of how awesome the Sox are and how "the Rays haven't won a thing." A good time for a picture? Yes.rays.jpg

8:42: After some minor technical difficulties concerning my leg and a coffee table, we're back in business. Have you guys read Big Papi's book? It's retahded.

8:45: I hope Youk never shaves his face again, that was frightening. Besides, I think he draws his power from his beard. Like that one time he hit a double just now.

8:48: We're going to be over-educated about turf in 3, 2, 1...

8:50: James Shields strikes out J.D. Drew with a sneaky changeup to end the inning. Hooray beers!

8:54: If the Red Sox have a nation, do the Rays have a town? You know, like one of those unincorporated towns in the middle of Wisconsin?


8:56: Akinori Iwamura -- who I'm sure has some sort of super power -- wants to steal so bad right now. But B.J. Upton skies one to Jason Bay and so it's up to Carlos "one-eyed" Pena to move the runner.

9:00: Two on, one out for Evan Longoria, who not only has the world by the balls, but is also going through puberty gracefully.

9:03: Carl Crawford's at bat music is funny. He'll be the Rays' last shot this inning to bring someone around the horn.

9:07: Daisuke Matsuzaka was madly in love with his fastball for a bit there. He manages to avoid the heartache though, by getting veteran (a nice way of saying old man who DHs) Cliff Floyd to ground out on a slider. BOS 0, TB 0

9:12:The Rays went from worst to first in errors this year. Translation: they used to suck, now they're awesome. James Shields gets through the 2nd without throwing 40 pitches. BOS 0, TB 0

9:17: Please shank the person closest to you who brandishes a cowbell. It's for the greater good.

9:19: Dice-K fans Dioner Navarro swinging on a 91 mph fastball. Silly.

9:25: Gabe Gross goes down swinging on a changeup and it's Jason Bartlett's turn to... Did I just hear "fisted"? Hands down, my all-time favorite baseball term.

9:27: Bartlett pops out to close the 2nd. BOS 0, TB 0

9:29: Who puts glitter on their little boy's head? Horrible. Sweet hawk, though.

9:32: Shields retired all three batters (7up, 7down so far) in the time it took me to go get another beer. One room away.

army_squirrel.jpg9:36: Dice-K is an animal. He gets Iwamura to line out on the first pitch he sees, a slider that was likely headed for the dirt eventually.

9:40: Modest, too. He starts to leave the hill on ball 3, assuming the strikezone is a foot past Pena.

9:43: Longoria, who may be thinking about growing a mustache someday, strikes out swinging to end the 3rd. BOS 0, TB 0

9:49: Papi grounds out and then, Oh my gosh! A base hit by Youkilis. Oh nevermind, Drew grounds into a double play to end it. BOS 0, TB 0

9:53:The object of the game is to score more runs than your opponent, just FYI. Crawford called out on strikes, Floyd goes down swinging. Will Navarro step up and do something productive?

9:55: No.

10:00: Leave it to Craig Sager to lighten the mood with his ensemble.

10:01: Lead-off walks always seem to come back and bite you, ya know. Shields puts Bay on before my boyfriends, Mark Kotsay doubles. Rawr.

10:03: JED LOWRIE PUTS A RUN ON THE BOARD WITH A SAC FLY! The most boring way to score a run ever.

10:05: Varitek grounds out with Kotsay on third before every Bostonian woman's fantasy, Jacoby Ellsbury, flies out to polish off the top of 5th inning. BOS 1, TB 0

10:11: Dice-K continues to deal, and the PBR is starting to go down like water. Lay off the cheap beer jokes, that stuff gets the Blue Ribbon for a reason! Gabe Gross grounds out, Bartlett gets caught looking and Iwamura flies out. The end.

10:17: Holy pitchers duel, Batman. Shields gets Pedroia to ground out on that nasty curveball and Papi strikes out swinging.

10:23: "FISTED!!" Youk ends the inning with a pop-out. BOS 1, TB 0

10:26: P.S. I'm in love with WoW's commenters. I'm totally going to steal you.

10:27: Derek Jeter's mom.

10:29: Pedroia is getting all the action this inning. He seems to like action. This pic (it's time, right?) is for the lady(s)

View image 10:30: God. Damn. Cowbells.

10:31: I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with blow-spitter. I'll give you 3 guesses.

10:33: J.D. finally makes himself useful with a leadoff hit up the middle and Bay moves him over with a single.

10:36: Iwamura just made a sah-weet over-the-shoulder catch to get my boyfriend out and my beer is empty. That's super lame.

10:40: Jed Lowrie was stayin' alive through 7 pitches, but called out on strikes. More lame than an empty can of Pabst.

10:42: Tek takes the first slider he sees and sends it straight to Bartlett, who's like that guy from Super Troopers who everyone thinks is Mexican or something, but no one's really sure.

10:44: Ameeeeerica. $%&! yeah.

10:46: Oh, we blew it for sure. Carl Crawford singles for the first hit of the game for the Rays and it's up to Cliff Floyd to drive him in. Yay old people!

10:49: Floyd singles to left and I'm pretty sure I've never seen Crawford run that fast. 90 feet from a tie game with Navarro at the plate.

10:52: Navarro flies out, but never fear Bandwagoners! Gabe Gross (one-time Milwaukee Brewers hero-for-a-day) has a shot at giving Tampa the lead with just one out.

10:55: Joe Madden is sweaty. Cowbells are stupid. Beers are tasty. Dice-K is in the midst of a triple-digit pitch count about now.

10:58: Holy smokes, he gets out of the inning without allowing a run. Some sort of miracle. I demand to see the gyroball!

*smoke break bitches.*

10:04: Boston's boytoy grounds out. Sad face.

10:06: But Boston's other boytoy singles, so it's all good.

10:08: After a short coaching visit to the mound where Howell replaces the battered Shields, we move on like an ex-girlfriend. Boytoy #2 swipes second with Papi at the plate.

10:10: Full count, Madden is still very sweaty.

10:11: Ortiz walks with one out, runners on first and second. Youk's beard is fired up.

10:13: Mmmmm. PB&J. I have the munchies.

10:14: Way to drop the ball Crawford. Nice try though! Do style points count in the postseason? Boston leads 2-0 as Youkilis doubles in the run.

10:15: Grant Balfour (I'm very familiar with his walks as a Twins fan) replaces Howell. Sometimes he's awesome, though, so we'll see.

10:17: We've moved onto Jameson shots. And by "we" I mean "all of us", right? You did come prepared, right? Right. Anyway, the bases are jacked like Whitney Houston.(crack is whack!) after Drew is drilled by a 95 mph Balfour fastball.

10:21: Jason Bay strikes out swinging. Way to go, buddy!

10:25: Mark Kotsay, who is no longer my boyfriend (see how fast we move on?) pops out to Longoria to bring us to the bottom of the eighth.

Gyro1.jpg10:28: Nine K's for Matsuzaka tonight as he faces Iwamura to kick things off.

10:30: That gyro must have distracted Dice-K, as he throws some junk in Varitek's general direction and allows Iwamura to advance to second.

10:34: B.J. Upton singles to third, but Youk has trouble fielding the ball. His beard totally got in his line of vision... it happens to the best of them, I tell ya. With that, Hideki Okajima replaces Matsuzaka (115 pitches) to face The One-Eyed Pena.

10:37: Pena given the go-ahead by his skipper on a 3-0 count after seeing nothing but junk from the Oki-Doki, but flies out to Drew.

10:38: Justin Masterson replaces Okajima, who did what he needed to do, to face Longoria, who would love to be a fireman when he grows up.

10:43: Once again, the Rays had two on with one out, but couldn't manage to bring home a run. Masterson gets Longoria to ground into a DP (that's short for double play, pervs) and we're headed to the 9th. Weeeeeeeeee! BOS 2, TB 0

10:46: Excuse me Mr. Greek Commenter, there's a seat next to me on this couch. *wink wink*

10:48: Balfour knows one speed. Hard. He retires no one before Sweaty McAwesomeGlasses yanks him in favor of David Price.

10:52: Jacoby is seeing nothing but heat from Price, finally settling on a soft liner to left. Tampa's turn.

10:56: Papelboner likes it fast too.

10:58: Carl Crawford? Not so much.

12:00: I just realized it's been 10:something in my world for like 2 hours. I'm really bad at the whole digital clock thing. It's my first day.

12:02: One more chance for the Rays to make something of their lives.

12:05: False alarm. Rays drop Game 1 to the Sawx, and it was wicked retahded. And Youk definitely has critters in his beard.

You guys were so great. All four of you. CTC says Wheee!

See you studs on Sunday.
/shots

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38 Comments

Blue men with yellow nipples. I need more beer.

But the Rays will always lead the league in cowbells.

Liveblogging is what Soozes do best. Also, Gary Glitter puts little girls on hi...

Hey, Friday!

Is "ensemble" French for "goose vomit"?

A score! Huzzah!

You know that place where Jay Cutler can't watch your commercial without checking his blood sugar? I'm there.

More annoying: the shimmy that Matsuzaka does on the mound or the shimmy Youkilis does in the batter's box?

Answer: Charo.

I don't know this Sooze character, but I'm a big fan so far.

Sooooo...hi Phillas. If you watched the Japanese Baseball Videogame from the other day, you would understand Dice-K has no choice in the matter in which he shimmies.

hi Fartie. I too am liking this Sooz.
and...DON'T COMPARE A VIDEOGAME TO REAL LIFE! HE CAN STOP GYRATING AT ME AT ANY TIME!

Speak for yourself. I like big butts on my pitchers and I cannot lie.

Videogames ARE real life. For example: RBI Baseball taught me that there are only 8 teams, and that all players are chubby white men.

I also know now that Derek Jeter's mom had the most clutch birthing evar.

glow-shitter?
AMIRITE?!

Derek Jeter's mom can only push to her right; she absolutely cannot push to her left.

During conception, her husband pulled out. But I'll be damned if that uterus didn't hussle over and catch it, then relay it to the egg.

What a grab! IWAMURA!

My mancrush on Iwamura continues unabated.

DON'T NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE DURING THIS SONG!!!!!!

... still taller than Pedroia.

Get another beer.

I hit the mute button.
Come and get me fuckers.

Eat it, no-hitter.

The uh, tenor of this game has suddenly shifted.

Redman break.

I don't think Sooze wants to be reminded about Mark Redman.

But he was on the All Star team!

That beard is taking such a life as to cause me to suspect the name "Youkilis" being the natural, evolutionary progression of the individual names, "Yukon" and "Cornelius".

Wow...that could have been way worse.

nice pitching Thurston.

Considering all I have been sapping on since yesterday is Jameson...yes. Yes I am prepared.

ahhh gyros, the food of my people. That and tasty young soldier boys.
wait...

Shawarma wraps are way better than Gyros. Phillas, ever go to Oasis Grill off Sacramento? Make it happen.

Satan Rays, here's a tip: if the opposing team has scored runs, you need to score runs as well.

Fartie, will you be my wingman?

phillas, done. I'll totally sit in the background and make creepy faces like that guy watching Zed get up in Mercellus Wallace.

Oh joy. I hope the Sox win everything. They deserve it.

Thanks Sooz.

I love you.

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