Thursday Night Liveglog Club: Dodgers at Phillies, NLCS Game One

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Folks, I couldn't be more excited about tonight's playoff game. I could bore you with stats and matchups and predictions and whatnot, but we've had enough build-up all friggin' week long. It's Cole Hamels versus Derek Lowe at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia and nobody has any idea who's gonna win. This mother's a tossup!

In case you do want an eloquently written preview of the pitching matchup, check out Jesse Spector's blog. If you want to follow along with the lineups and the game action, head over to MLB.com for the live boxscore. If you want some delicious foie gras in Montreal, go to Au Pied de Cochon.

But if you want dry sports comedy, follow along with me after the jump for all the good smart talk and jibber-jabber:

8:20PM: Hey, my AM radio doesn't work so I'm stuck listening to Tim McCarver and Joe Buck! Anyone out there got one of them newfangled "antennae"?

8:23PM: Holy crap, this game is starting 15 minutes earlier than I had expected. Excellent time management on my part.

8:26PM: Andre Ethier collects the first hit of the NLCS, a double that he will later celebrate with the degustation at Vetri.

8:27PM: Manny misses a tater tot by that much, knocking it off the fence atop the fence. Tim McCarver seems to be restraining himself and didn't criticize the kid. Maybe ol' Timothy has gotten a talking to from the higher ups.

8:30PM: Listening to McCarver rationalize why Manuel didn't pitch around Manny is like listening to a person trying to talk to a dog. It's just not going to work, and you feel ashamed for that poor bastard.

8:35PM: Hamels escaped what could have been a nightmare first inning for Phillies fans. FOX gives us an opportunity to listen to the dulcet tones of Randy Newman on the outro.

8:38PM: Shane, Chase, Jayson with a Y and Cole are all douchebag names, says my girlfriend. She should know, she lives in Connecticut.

8:41PM: She should also know because she's dating one. Derek Lowe is "sizzling" as per the copywriters at FOX. In other news, James Loney is "fierce" and Manny is a "hot mess".

8:44PM: Chutley just broke out of his mini-slump. Joe Buck reminds us of things that happened over 25 years ago by bringing up the three previous meetings in the NLCS. Buck neglects to remind us of other things that happened in 1983, like the election of Margaret Thatcher, which has about as much relevance on this 2008 series as those three prior meetings. RyHo grounds out into the shift to send this sucker to the second.

8:48PM: Hamels has calmed down in the second, mixing fastballs and breaking balls. He also took a schvitz between innings, so that might be the reason.

8:50PM: It's Ken Rosensmarm! I wonder what magical places he will emerge from tonight in that magical stadium! I'd pay good money to see him burned alive in the cheese sauce vat at the crab fries stand.

8:55PM: Pat Burrell's not slumping, he's just hurt. Also, he hasn't hooked up with a fat Philly skank at McFadden's in over three months so that's got him emo.

8:56PM: Holding Burrell to a single on a ball in the corner ain't no thang. Fucker runs slower than molasses in January. Yet McCarver chooses to praise Manny in such a strange occasion.

8:57PM: My chick wants to know what species of rodent is on Jayson Werth's chin. I said 'chipmunk' but it might be a marmot.

9:01PM: Hey, that Furcal fella has a really good arm. We're through two innings.

9:06PM: Furcal swung so hard his friggin hat almost fell off, which leads me to believe that if an attractive lady walked by, his helmet would hover above his head and his eyes would bug out comically while his ears whistled like steam whistles.

9:09PM: Manny gets jammed by Hamels. Is that a different mouthpiece that he wore in Boston, or is it the same?

9:13PM: Heh heh, Joe Buck said "squirts". In related news, I ate a bad batch of sushi last week.

9:14PM: Hey, it's "Suddenly Susan". And I'm Suddenly Nauseous.

9:18PM: Derek Lowe is throwin' them wormburners like it's his business. Well actually, that is his business, to throw wormburners. Sugar Shane Victorino nearly takes the dude out, but they end up in a delightful pile in foul territory and share a laugh or two. Those silly boys!

9:21PM: Casey Blake's beard is well-groomed. It looks so natural. No one can tell.

9:25PM: Excellent, we got to hear Greg Dobbs' reaction to Victorino's collision at first! That was so revealing, so in-depth, so...fucking boring.

9:28PM: Hey y'all, I found a commercial with Casey Blake endorsing a familiar household product:


9:31PM: FOX TRAX SHOWS US WHERE PITCHES GO

9:34PM: When will we see our first appearance of Scooter in these playoffs? I need to know so I know when to throw my teevee out the window.

9:39PM: Andre Ethier is up again. He's probably going to try and move this game along so he doesn't lose his reservation at Marathon Grill.

9:43PM: Was that Ned Colletti, GM of the Dodgers, that FOX just showed us up in the luxury box? I wonder if GMs and owners are constantly reminding themselves to keep their fingers out of their noses just in case the teevee cameras focus on them for a second or two.

9:48PM: Pardon me while I interject some actual baseball analysis, but the Dodgers infield defense has been exquisite so far. No wonder Derek Lowe has been successful of late.

9:51PM: And I obviously just jinxed Lowe as Carlos Ruiz grounds one past a diving Joyce DeWitt.

9:53PM: That was the best hit baseball we've seen from the Phillies lineup all night and it came off the bat of Cole Hamels. Shame on Joe Buck and Tim McCarver for being such Negative Nellies about Hamels' chances.

9:56PM: Commenting seems to be a bit broken. If you get an error message, just go back and reload.

10:00PM: Kudos to the Philly infield defense as well for their prowess. If this comment ends up a jinx too, then I'll eat my hat.

10:04PM: Oh good, Furcal made an error. Sorry Dodgers fans, but I absolutely jinxed your team by saluting their infield defense. In other news, David Pinto is not impressed with Lowe's control.

10:07PM: CHUTLEY TATER DONG. 2-2 TIE UP IN HERE.

10:10PM: I rewound a few times to see if my sister caught that homerun ball, but then I realized I have no idea if (a) she's at the game or (b) she's sitting in those seats.

10:12PM: PAT THE BAT FUNNYBONES 3-2 Phillies lead. Derek Lowe is doneskis.

10:15PM: Here's Chan Ho Park. Perhaps you remember him from such films as My Sassy Girl.

10:18PM: Casey Blake webgems to end the inning. We're headed to the seventh frame, y'all.

10:21PM: How much longer will Hamels be pitching in this game? He's thrown 95 pitches so far, so I don't think he'll make it to the eighth.

10:24PM: Hey, it's everyone's favorite motorcycle-ridin', deer-huntin', redneck-havin' white boy Jeff Kent! He receives the proper treatment from the Philadelphia crowd, which is a mixture of boos and guttural disdain. Hamels smokes it by him for the K as he passes the 100 pitch mark.

10:27PM: Hamels executes the ol' 1-6-3 putout and we're headed to the seventh inning stretch!


10:30PM: Hey what the fuck, is there a TV on that blimp or what? Can I have that thing fly by my condo on Super Bowl Sunday? Imagine telling your friends, "Hey, come by my place tonight, we're watching the game on a 1400 inch television floating outside my bedroom window.

10:33PM: So Taguchi just made a bunt oopsie. Blake DeWitt made an excellent double play turn at second to send the Phillies down, all while getting a taste of Carlos Ruiz' spikes. Ouch.

10:36PM: Here's righty Ryan Madson to make his best attempt to keep the Dodgers at a deuce in the runs column. And even Dodgers fans are hoping he gets the job done only so their team has a chance to eat Brad Lidge's balls in the next inning.

10:39PM: Manny hits it hard but the ball ends up in Pedro Feliz' glove. Hey, Pedro Feliz contributed!

10:42PM: Pedro Feliz giveth, Pedro Feliz taketh away.

10:44PM: Madson gave up some hard hit base-balls but works his way out of a two-out baserunner. This is similar to the time Ryan Madson got swallowed by that whale and worked his way out of its blowhole.

10:46PM: Ryan Madson video break!


10:49PM: Joe Buck wonders what happened to sideline reporter Chris Myers. Something tells me he's gone headfirst into the pot of pulled pork at Bull's BBQ.

10:51PM: Yes, Tim McCarver just called Ryan Howard "Brian Howard". I rewound to ensure that gaffe was made. He's the King of Gaffes and the Prince of Misspeaking.

10:52PM: Hey, a Cialis commercial. CTC was telling me how he won a Cialis eating contest once, downing 75 pills in 20 seconds. The doctors only had to drain the blood out of his dongle three times.

10:54PM: Place your bets now if you think Lidge is gonna give up the dong in this inning. He barely records an out thanks to Victorino's excellent range.

10:57PM: Lidge nearly gives up the farm again but thanks to Victorino's still-excellent range, he's got two outs.

10:59PM: Lidge gets Joyce DeWitt to strike out and the Phillies win! Carlos Ruiz scrambles to grab that baseball and nails the throw down to Ryan Howard 3-2 Final Score. Thanks for joining us tonight for this special NLCS liveglog. We appreciate our readers, and we appreciate our commenters. We even appreciate our trolls who spoil reality shows that I like. See ya tomorrow!


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91 Comments

Here you are. Can you believe Sugar was the last one chosen? She's number one in my trousers. And how about Ace, abandoning her? Bad form, grasshopper. I'm voting you off the island.

Dude, don't you dare spoil Survivor for me. I'll eat your children.

I think the fans in Philadelphia might be excited about this game.

ANDRE ETHIER, FOODIE AND SERIAL DOUBLER

Maybe ol' Timothy has gotten a talking to from the higher ups.

And only 12 years too late!

Wow, Kelly just chose to be the one-eyed Queen in the kingdom of the blind. We're all watching Survivor, right?

They still have Survivor?

Just like I said: Hamels is gon get lit up.

I am going to murder your housepets.

I love Randy Newman! Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...

Jeez Rob, I didn't realize you liked Hamels so much.

Inserting a y where an i should be always equates douchebag.

like Brynt

Can you believe Randy wound up as the hero of that challenge? He reminds me of so many guys I never liked, the losers who hang out and pay for your friendship one way or another. Yet here the nerds rose up. Good on you, Randy, tonight you are the msn.

matt_T,

Or like my real name, Bryan.

WoW, bringing you breaking news on Farthammer 24/7.

Chief Wahoo, I am going to hunt you down and tear off your earlobes and stuff them up your poopchute.

I ne'er watched Survivor. I feel so left out of the conversation. I'll start my own.
Fartie, you watching the Blue Angels this weekend?

One has to wonder with Krystal, she's a woman built like a linebackker for Middle Tennessee State. Does her life experience as a freakishly large and muscled black woman inform her experience as a Survivor? How does this impact her game plan?

Wahoo is a dowdy housewife.

Phillas, I am breaking a self-imposed ban on going to SF for Fleet Week; indeed I will be there. Saturday a ton of us will be at Fort Mason on the lawn across from the Marina Safeway. We will be BBQing and playing bocce ball. Feel free to come out and drink cheap beer and eat cheap food.

Bryan with a Y is cool. Brynt is just retarded.

I'd pay good money to see him burned alive in the cheese sauce vat at the crab fries stand.

Then they'd be shrimp fries.

Matty is the swing vote!?!?!?!?!?! The dumbest guy on the show? The "Personal Trainer"? Yeah, I think that's what Kaz Tadano called it too.

My wife thinks that the addition of the landing strip facial hair makes JaYson Werth the king of the douches. I say it's because he struck out 6 times in 16 PA in the NLDS. We're both right.

Bryan is cool. I meant absurd ys. Like Jayson. Katye. Etc

3 hours before game time I was offered a pair of 21st-row seats on field level behind the visitor's dugout for $400. The economy being what it is, I passed. I hate myself in more ways than one.

Kenny is such a mama's boy, he'd vote with any gal who batted her eyelashes at him.

Whatever small woodland creature it is, I hope it chews his chin off.

Wow, an ad for Jay-z's 9IX cologne. When you want to smell like you're wasting your money...

Don't hate yourself for passing on baseball tickets for four funnybones. Hate yourself for passing on baseball tickets to read this FUCKING SURVIVOR LIVEGLOG IM GOING TO KILL YOU CHIEF WAHOO

Let the rage consume you

You guys make me feel better about myself. So does this Jameson.

Ryan Howard played that like he's had as much Johnny Walker Gold as I have. It's only the playoffs, RyHo.

What the fuck? Jackie and Kelly neck and neck in the vote? They are both scrawny blonde chicks with bad implants. How do I tell you apart? Which one is which? Harlots! Identify yourselves!

We sorely under use the word "friggin" on this site.

My wife: "wait, who is one first base? He has beautiful features, seriously."

I should have bought those tickets.

If I ever figure out a way to spoil something for you Chief Wahoo, I will. If you ever decide to marry, don't tell me your wedding date because I've got a bucketful of pig's blood at the ready.

Well one of you whores lost. I'm confused.

Carlos Ruiz picked a wonderful time to break in a new mitt. That will in no way come into play at a major point in the game.

Friggin is cool. You know what's not cool? When you used to get in trouble for using swear substitutes like that. My mom would get pissed when I said "Friggin' A" all the time. I used to plead that it wasn't a swear word, but she didn't care. That's what made me decide to move out last week.

Rob, you a Survivor fan too? I love that show.

I hated when the Mormon kids would use swear substitutes like 'shoot' and 'fudge'. Just swear for fuck's sake.

The early innings of this game have "bullpen collapse" written all over them. I just hope it's Broxton who flinches, and not Romero

Wahoo has won me over with that last one.

Victorino figured if he wasn't gonna get on base, he would at least take Lowe's wallet on the way back to the dugout. I admire his chutzpah.

@Hammer

You'll be back.

McCarver just explained the Jason Bay/Manny trade for "people tuning in for the first time." First time tonight? This year? Ever? Who needed an explanation? If you needed one, chances are you didn't care in the first place.

that is his business, to throw wormburners

And he's union.

McCarver then explained a "base taken on balls" for those just tuning in.

"Let's take a look on super slo-mo"
Riveting.

Slo mo, fast mo, ANY KIND OF MO THERE IS

Wahoo wins the night. He's still a horse's patoot.

That commercial was made by the same people who brought you the Japanese Baseball Videogame.

even a ROMO

Earlier today McCarver went on a rant on Francescas show about "pitchers these days" and how crazy it is that they won't pitch on three days reat. All the pitchers he knew who threw on short rest were fine. His modern evidence that pitchers were fine on short rest? CC Sabathia. Thanks, Tim. How did that work for him last week?

As dat nigga Dre Dog would say, Fillmo'

The only thing I hate more than Tim McCarver are groundball pitchers who mow their way through a flyball hitting team in the NLCS, particularly when that flyball hitting team is the Philadelphia Phillies

@rob: I thought joe buck made you want to throw your TV out the window.

Earlier today McCarver went on a rant on Francescas show about "pitchers these days" and how crazy it is that they won't pitch on three days reat. All the pitchers he knew who threw on short rest were fine. His modern evidence that pitchers were fine on short rest? CC Sabathia. Thanks, Tim. How did that work for him last week?

Ohhh, Chuck and Buck just couldn't fucking wait to bring up the Traveling Secretary story. I admire their restraint in getting halfway through the fifth.

Rob, while I appreciate the Vetri reference, I'm not a big Marathon Grill guy. You need to give props to Amada, easily my favorite place in Philly. Reservations are tough, especially on the weekends, but it's worth the effort. The shortrib items make you want to fellate the chef.

Wait a second, was Manny actually responsible for the Crucifiction? I believe McCarver just said that.

My sister took me and Sally to Amada a few months back when we went to visit the Baseball in America exhibit at the Constitution Center. Loved it. Love me some Spanish food.

fuck yeah, mother fucking bitches.

Well said Lowe

Next time you venture down Philly way, cheese and charcuterie on me. I work a block from Amada.

This double play...is good.

This 18 year old blended scotch... is goood.

Derek Lowe would get Obama to ground out weakly to the mound and saw McCain off at the handle so he popped out to the catcher.

That Kit Kat....was good.

Thank you, Black Cat Icarane, for jinxing the LA defense.

Also, Kit Kats and new suits are mortal enemies. Best of luck fitting into it.

TWO FUCKING TWO. OCTOBER. FEEL IT. DON CHEADLE!

SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Chase that ball outta here!

I fucking hate Lowe so much...DX-CROTCH CHOP THAT HR YOU MOTHERFUCKER EAT A COCK I LOVE IT

Can we get some pants on the WebMD injury drone? Maybe some boxer briefs? Christ, I thought I flipped over to Real Sex 25.

SILGHFDKLGFLIWGWFLW

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU LOWE

THREE FUCKING TWO. WHERE MAGIC HAPPENS.

Real Sex 25 would have weiner at least 50 years older than that.

Jeff Kent (fuck you) has the most HR for a 2nd baseman. Why is there such a derth of power at 2B?

KNBR, that's all you do is bitch and moan. ENJOY THE GAAAAAME.

@PHILLAS

Bret Boone agreed with you, then John Law had to step in.

In all seriousness, Chutley might get there one day.

No more 20 foot-wide 1995 NL Strike Zone for you, Maddux.

it was a Dee Lite to watch that play by DeWitt

@phillas

Glove is in the heeeaaarrrrrrt, you know

Thanks Rob, for passing our jinx on to Feliz. Who are you, Opie? You an Islanders fan?

your jinx, not our jinx. I want nothing to do with it.

Hey, Survior-spoiling Chief Wahoo had comment #14000. What did he win?

Wahoo wins a steaming pile of jack shit.

NOMAR

FUCK YOU TJ SIMERS

Fireworks wheeeeeee

Haha, I hate Simers as well.

I would also tear Jeannie Z up, weird nose and all.

Ken Rosenthal lives under a mushroom, there is no convincing me otherwise. He makes Pat Burrell look like Andrew Bogut. In the offseason, he makes a living as a Snork.

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