We have settled into our blogging spot for the evening, ready to serve you with mots both bon and apple-y. Instead of heading to The Library, we have ensconced ourselves kiddie-corner to the chain bar for Oktoberfestivus. Why did we pass on the Catholic school girl look across the street for the black shirts and faux class of Gordon's? Let's just say we never considered what Jon-Benet Ramsey would have grown up to be until we went to The Library. Your skirt height may vary.
Onto the game: we always supported Myers-Shields when it was in committee; we believe in the bill now. It's good for America; it's good for the children. (Wives, notsomuch.) Lineup shenanigans include More Rocco (which we approve of) and Designated Hitter Greg Hobbs (the baseball version of punting on third down).
See your sorry posteriors after the jump.
ESPNNews is asking the musical question of four supposed experts (local radio douches), "Just how pivotal of a win would this be for the Rays?" Also, "Man, isn't pie great?" On ESPN, Hannah Storm had a black armband pinned to her sleeve for Tom Brady, so we suspect the focus has shifted a bit. (They would have tied the armband, but she's too tiny for it to be noticed otherwise. This technique was first used by Rich Eisen in 2002.)
If Fox's pre-game intro is correct, we just need to get the widow Robinson to lay hands on Tom Brady to heal his leg. After all, baseball's done everything else good in America. (Also, soldiers died for you, Manny Ramirez, so eat a Jersey sandwich.)
National Anthem: Lou Dobbs just scheduled a two-hour special about this. 'Nuff said.
We should point out that we can't hear the broadcasting team very well in here. If you feel that Joe Buck or Tim McCarver have said something that we should be aware of, please lie down until the feeling passes.
Crap. Someone saw us say that and cranked the volume up.
We see the Gawker commenting system has given Tim McCarver his own star. That speaks ill of both, yesno?
YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE, DALLAS GREEN, WHERE YOU WILL BE POUNDED IN YOUR PRIVATE HOLE BY ONE PRECISE PITCH AFTER ANOTHER BY A 26-YEAR-OLD GREG MADDUX.
The former Mr. Vanessa Williams is a celebrity?
8:30 pm - Is this game big enough for Big Game Shields? If not, will it have to be a Space Jam-style competition?
8:30 pm - One strikeout. Whew; it's big enough.
8:32 pm - Carlos Peña shows us what tapes were studied last night:
8:34 pm - Jayson Werth couldn't beat Davey Conception to first today. And Davey's not in Florida. (And does Joe Morgan get to sue for intellectual property theft for someone else talking about the Big Red Machine?)
8:37 pm - Chutley's bacon pants fail to sizzle and we get our second banner graphic.
8:40 pm - Jon Gruden has never seen a baseball game.
8:42 pm - Iwamura walks. B.J. Upton didn't bunt with real enthusiasm. He needs to grow dreadlocks to make himself more quirky and less moody.
8:44 pm - Upton singles and then takes second on the boot by Werth in right. Second and third, no one out. Nice... effort? No, sounds wrong. McCarver tries to bail out Werth by blaming the turf. A good ball muncher never blames the carpet, Tim.
8:45 pm - (We must now re-emphasize the "Tuffy does too like girls" tag.)
8:46 pm - Big Game Reverse Tilde grounds out to second, scoring the Big Game Iwamura. Big Game Upton moves to third. Rays 1-0.
8:48 pm - Big Game Long'n'Tall grounds out to shortstop, scoring Big Game B.J. Rays 2-0.
8:48 pm - Unbelievable choke artist Carl Crawford grounds to Howard, ending the inning. Rays 2-0.
8:53 pm - Four hundred... four hundred... four hundred foot long double from Ryan Howard starts the inning off.
8:55 pm - Milt Thompson... alive. We lost that bet.
8:56 pm - P. Burrell walked. S. Hustlrino popped out. We drank. What inning is it yet?
Taking the temperature of the room, we have more casual Rays fans here and more hardcore Phillies fans. Didn't see that coming. Or did. There's an Utley shirt jersey and a Marlins ballcap. As a Cubs fan, that's just rubbing it in.
8:58 pm - Wild pitch. Second and third, one down. How do we know that pitch was wild? Joe Francis got a strong picture of it as it went by.
8:59 pm - We apologize for the previous joke. That joke was so old that it could smoke legally, meaning that Joe Francis was entirely uninterested in the joke.
9:00 pm - Upton showed good hustle on that dangerous logo disaster in center, stabbing down a line drive to end the frame. That and a Designated Hitter Greg Dobbs strikeout send us to another graphic.
9:05 pm - Cliff Floyd (Professional Greg Dobbs) grounds out to start the frame. Big Game Dioner almost grounds out to second, ending up on first for his efforts. Better luck next time, C!
9:07 pm - Rocco walks on a check swing because he can prove his disorder prevents him from fully swinging. Charlie Manuel brings out his own medical experts. We balk at the whole thing. First and second, one down.
9:09 pm - President Barlett singles on a dribbler basis, loading them there bases with sweet Rays juice.
9:10 pm - Akinori pops out on the infield, to our eternal disappointment. Seriously, we're going to bring that up in our seventies.
9:11 pm - Big Game B.J. singles, sending Big Game Dioner to his home for he is not too good for his home. Rocco's tossed out at the plate by Carpet Munchin' Werth because he didn't have enough force to knock the ball out of Ruiz's glove. We assume it's because of his low midichlorians.
(We're pretty much going to hell.)
9:16 pm - Now that we're beered: Carlos Ruiz makes it to second, adjusts his cup. Jimmy Rollins moves Ruiz to third on a groundout; Ruiz adjusts his cup. We're chugging if there's a third cup cup.
9:19 pm - Werth found himself deeply distracted by some shag and stares into space while strike 3 invades his area. Dos down.
9:22 pm - Chutley makes the puppies cry with his groundage and we present... graphic!
9:24 pm - Note to the couple to our left and just outside: you know the date's ending well when the waitress brings you two ketchup bottles. Note to the fellow in that couple: how he even noticed considering the mustard his date's showin' is incredible.
9:24 pm - Reverse Tilde joins B.J. on the bench to plan their next cross-country road trip to see Helen Hunt's husband. (Because we're OLD.)
9:25 pm - You know what? If the Rays are in such a hurry to see the next furry fetish from Rob, then we're not telling you how it went down. We're gettin' right to the pixilation:
9:30 pm - This deserves top billing from the comments: So I know Drew bitched on Deadspin about the Drinkability commercials today, but I've got one to add to the list: Lincoln is aware that Major Tom DIES at the end of "Space Oddity," right? Likely of suffocation due to mechanical failure? Yeah, that'll get me behind the wheel.
Nearly as wrong as this:
9:32 pm - And in the time it took to dig up that video, it's first and third with one down. Iwamura got boned by the Bear but still pulled the ball in, so someone doesn't seem to mind bare turf out there. Ahem. Jayson.
9:36 pm - Designated Hitter Greg Dobbs struck out. Designated Feliz Pedro Feliz grounds out to Big Glove Evan. Whicky whicky whicky Graphic!
9:40 pm - While we've got a down moment, are the Rays merely pulling even 1-1 if they win or are they still down because they lost home field advantage or are they pulling ahead as long as they beat Cole Hamels in Game 4? We're confused about which meme we're supposed to slap our suckers down on and never let go of until tomorrow's storyline.
9:41 pm - BECAUSE IT'S SINGLES NIGHT AND THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR CLIFF FLOYD AND THE CATCHER TO GET ON BASE.
9:45 pm - And 5-4... oops!
9:47 pm - The safety squeeze brings in a run, thanks to the Presidential order. You know what a safety squeeze is, don't you? It's when you cop a feel but pretend you were just reaching for the popcorn.
9:49 pm - The inning ends. You know how we know? Graphic.
9:51 pm - Ruiz walks and is then chosen by a fielder to leave the game.
9:51 pm - Werth singles to place a Phillies players on the first two available bases with one out.
In mustard news, the guy won't shut up and the girl is sitting with her head on her chin, trying to feign interest. Good Lord, it's like watching the Rays try to preserve a seven-run lead. She's wearing the mustard shirt!
9:57 pm - Ah, the old "pop-em-out, blame the dumbass double play on the turf" double play severs Werth's lifeline at first and brings us to a serious topic.
Have you seen your graphic today? 100% of all non-porn graphics can go up to three weeks without being seen. Please consider looking at this next graphic. Thank you.
10:02 pm - One useless BeeJay and one four-pitch walk to the Bear and we're beered up and ready for the second half of this contest.
10:03 pm - Brett Myers flings the ball into right field, blames it on Werth, and pounds his right fielder into the turf in public. Reverse Tilde takes second.
(Just kidding, by the way... Brett Myers doesn't take on anyone that can swing back.)
10:04 pm - Myers will fight Longoria, though, who strikes out.
10:06 pm - Ruiz and Myers clear up the signals with a man on second. Now it's one for blow and two for suck.
10:08 pm - Carl Crawford grounds out. On behalf of Honeynut Ichiros, we apologize for getting graphic.
10:10 pm - Speaking of circuses and breads, imagine Ryan Howard balancing on a unicycle while he's in the batter's box. You're welcome.
10:12 pm - Howard grounds out as Chatty Carl strikes out. Now a fight has broken out, or I assume. Their doggie bag came 10 minutes ago and she's still forcefully telling him many, many things. We felt like Joe Maddon there, completely unable to send in another pitcher to close the deal.
(Except Maddon totally could have called on Price. We're jus' sayin'. Again.)
10:14 pm - Chutley copies Chatty Carl. Cut to two down.
10:17 pm - Gritirino singles to right because Carlos Peña apparently dropped a contact on the infield grass and was up there lookin' for it.
10:20 pm - B.J. closes on a liner to center... closing... closing...
10:21 pm - And with first and third and two down, Maddon awakes from a long winter's sleep to fetch the Big Game Protective Barrier for relief.
10:23 pm - We wish Dan Wheeler would have to pinch-run in the 17th inning and steal a base. We have a Wheeler's steal joke that is absolutely stellar. Instead, he pitches here.
10:26 pm - Pedro "I would still be the cleanup hitter in San Francisco" Feliz doesn't believe in choice, but the Rays' defense does. The inning, she does end. The only solace we can find is that we can curl up with a good graphic and our 92340239th beer.
10:29 pm - At this point, we deserve to be one of Chatty Carl's groomsmen. CLOSE THE DEAL.
10:31 pm - Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain, Rays; you got a Gold Club reservation? Can we get in the champagne room with this?
10:37 pm - Ruiz's at-bat has officially lasted longer than the Rays' last two offensive innings. Combined.
10:38 pm - Which means he finally walks. Wheeler should throw 12 straight pickoff throws to return the favor. DIVE, ASSHOLE! DIVE!
10:40 pm - We have our first David Price sighting. We're totally not making Bob Barker jokes.
10:42 pm - The ol' "strike-'em-out, WTF" single play. Man on second, one down.
10:47 - GODDAMNED TURF CAUSING CALLED STRIKE THREE ON WERTH JESUS STUPID ASS PULPY TROPICANA TURF.
10:47 - Price time. We're legitimately tingly. It might be time to switch to water.
10:51 - We just ordered another beer. And cheesecake. We blame our diabetes on you all.
10:52 - Chutley walks with pride. Head in chin. Proud.
10:54 - Ryan Howard is to be in the striking of out. David Price would like you to enjoy this musical interlude. David Price does not understand denial.
10:59 - Note to the Combudsman: We need the bottom of the seventh graphic to have 100% more jingoism.
11:00 - The President issues an executive order to extend the inning with a single. Of course, no other branch can stop him.
11:01 - We have an extended prepared story about Akinori Iwamu... never mind. Next batter!
11:05 - Guess who's on first?
No, seriously, we're guessing. We've been drinking. We assume it's a Ray of some kind.
11:07 - Double play. Never mind. Where were you when we needed you? Probably gawking at the next graphic, you kinky chaps. Rays 4-0.
11:09 - We don't want any Tim Roth vehicle not written by Tom Stoppard. We don't care what the tag says about us. We're standing by this. Screw your procedural right in its pat ending.
11:12 - Burrell weakly pops out and we desperately hope that Price is allowed to finish the game. At Yahoo, Price doesn't even have a headshot. We assume that's because it's hard to capture pure awesome in photo format.
11:14 - Four Christmases < One Price. Ask Gritirino... from the dugout.
11:15 - ERIC BRUNTLETT IS A BLASPHEMER. STONE HIM! (Rays 4-1.)
11:15 - Pedro Feliz proves his fealty with that gentle grounder to short. Graphic me!
11:19 - Jonny "No-H" Gomes has the logic of an alcoholic with none of the depression-numbing benefits.
11:23 - People got out. We drank. We chopped up this graphic on a chilled marble slab and folded it into French vanilla. We hope it comes with a Price.
11:27 - Slo-motion proves Jesus hates Evan Longoria as a double slips down the left-field line for a double, placing Carlos Ruiz on second for the umpteenth time.
11:30 - JIMMY ROLLINS IS HIT IN THE BAGGY JERSEY BY...
11:32 - Rollins pops out. The BLAH BLAH police care. We don't.
11:33 - Carpet Chin doins a single off Evan's manly ice cream-hatin' torso into left, scoring Ruiz. Rays 4-2. Error... in other words, we hate official scorers and errors.
11:35 - Chutley is so lucky we're too far gone to do a Domokun/Chutley Photoshop. Two down.
11:35 - Ryan Howard is so lucky we only care about shifting to the bathroom after blogging through 198232183901209 beers with no bathroom breaks. He grounds into the teeth of the shift for finality, allowing us to avoid the male version of toxic shock when our bladder bursts.
We're sure there's some kind of storyline we're supposed to advance, but here's what we got out of it: two evenly matched teams (or close enough in a short series) that will battle through at least six games, 17 star lapels, and 6.4 million Ken Rosenthal short jokes.
We love you all as long as you keep your milk fat and salt high. Come back Saturday for hot WoW liveglogging action and props to Rob and Kris for keeping it real with the kids. Peace.