On March 5, 1770, five Americans fell to the heavy musket balls of the British outside the current location of the Old State House in Boston after a crowd of 300-400 angry Bostonians surrounded five British soldiers and taunted them with sticks, stones, and terribly harsh words.
On October 14, 2008, the Boston Red Sox fell to the moon shots of the Tampa Bay Rays 13-4 inside the current location of Old Fenway Park in Boston after a crowd of 38,133 angry Bostonians surrounded 25 Rays players and taunted them with... well, terribly harsh words, at least.
We see absolutely no reason to bring up both events. We apologize for any confusion caused by such scattershot correlations.
Liveglog Nation, don't tread on us after the jump; your Game Five Rays-Red Sox liveglog will follow shortly.
8:07 pm: So what do you suppose the Seibu Lions did with the $51,111,111 they received for giving the Red Sox permission to chat with their li'l right-handed charmer? We're guessing derivatives, CBOs, and Hiram Bocachica. Fine investments, all.
Man, we love baseball.
8:10 pm: Iwamura singles to left, the TBS announcing team declares Dice-K to crushed mentally already, and we're ready to sign off for the evening! G'night!
(C'mon... how can we take that seriou...)
8:12 pm: B.J. Upton crushes a ball over the Great Green Wall and it's Rays 2-0. Damn you, Buck Martinez!
8:14 pm: Oh, shuuto. One out. The TBS annnoucing team notices Boston's opponents for the first time.
8:17 pm: Little-known fact: Jason Varitek's 20-foot tall computer-generated card is currently outslugging the flesh-and-blood version. A long fly to center closes the book on the top of the first.
8:20 pm: Who spends more time in makeup at TBS: Frank Caliendo or Ernie Johnson?
8:22 pm: Having just ripped The Captain, Kotsay is batting behind him and playing first. Is there any confusion about why the Red Sox are down 3-1? (Yes, the pitching. It was a trick question.) Covelli takes a walk and I feel a bit disoriented.
8:26 pm: The first Fraggle-American major leaguer, Kevin Youkilis, walks to set up first and second with two down.
8:30 pm: Chip Caray turns a popup to center by Jason Bay into high drama ("MOTHER NATURE, HEED B.J. UPTON'S CALL AND BRING THE STITCHED OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION TO HIS BREAST!"), but the inning ends regardless. End of one: Rays 2-0
8:32 pm: In other words, Barack Obama will not be thinking about anyone that can afford Fenway Park playoff tickets.
8:34 pm: Jesus, Cliff Floyd is still in the league, keeping it light? Does this measurement of his levity include the weight of his various casts and braces rookies have to carry for him on road trips?
8:34 pm: Floyd dribbles out. Enough of the fellow that interrupts the youth movement storyline.
8:38 pm: Matsusaka does his best Seven Samurai chopsticks imitation with his glove on a liner by Dioner Navarro intended for disfigurement.
8:43 pm: You know why it was a great time to steal? Jason Varitek's catching. Michael Gross could take second while delivering a life lesson to Michael J. Fox. President Bartlett flies out and let's bring out the bottom of the second for a trip around the block, shall we?
8:45 pm: Jesus. Guess whose television babysat him from the ages of 3-present?
8:49 pm: QuesTec hasn't changed the umpiring landscape already? That's unpossible! J.D. Drew grounds out to start us off appropriately.
8:53 pm: The Captain comes up with two out. After he bats, he will have Tennille behind home plate. HEY-OH!
8:54 pm: That was definitely a purpose pitch. The purpose? Explore the performance space. Kotsay singles and Francona's plan to have a second starting lineup becomes blindingly clear.
8:57 pm: Covelli strikes out to end the... threat? Did anyone feel threatened there? Maybe the second inning. Begone, two!
8:59 pm: Obama TV.
9:00 pm: Frank Wren has no use for your implied embargoes on baseball news during the playoffs.
9:02 pm: I cannot tell you how many times I've been handcuffed by balls around my ankles. (No, really; I can't. There was a gag order on the court decision.) Kotsay makes a decent play and gets his pride handcuffed by the TBS announcing team.
9:04 pm: B.J. Upton singles and Carlos Peña homers before you can say "reverse Tilde". Rays 4-0.
9:07 pm: Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain. Evan Almighty. Rays 5-0 and Francona didn't even wait for the ball to land before getting the bullpen busy.
9:10 pm: Floyd can't stop himself from shearing the half-inning to an end (ooh ooh) and Dice-K heads back to the dugout to see if he can get one of them there police escorts to Logan to catch the first flight to Narita International.
9:14 pm: Two quick outs for Mini-Shortstop and Maxi-Papi. Got a tee time in the morning in Boca, fellas?
9:17 pm: Here on first base now! Here on first base now!
9:20 pm: Jason Bay again relieves the tension with a strikeout. You're safe with us, zero! After three, Rays 5-0.
9:24 pm: I see commenting has gone south. Needless to say, talking to myself is a strength. Navarro and Gross join you in the Cone of Silence for two quick outs in the top of the fourth.
9:26 pm: Stockard Channing's husband bloops out to Kotsay and a young St. Petersburg man's fancy turns to the champagne in the clubhouse through 3.5.
9:28 pm: The brief commenting issue explained:
9:30 pm: Kazmir walks another batter (and when did J.D. Drew get old, by the way?) and you had better believe this is not an eight-inning start from Scotty.
9:32 pm: That kind of 5-4 forceout defense makes you confident to throw into the batters and gives you confidence and... Kazmir has given up three walks in four innings. Do they know we can see the game, too?
9:35 pm: Varitek swings at ball four and it's somehow caused by Iwamura. Boggle.
9:36 pm: That wild pitch? Confidence in the defense of the backstop.
9:38 pm: Kotsay whiffs and four innings pass without disturbing the home scorekeeper's long winter nap. Rays 5-0.
9:39 pm: Obama Sexdrive.
9:40 pm: Iwamura swoops down on first with a walk and Matsusaka wins one free ticket to leave the season early. Ciao, bella!
9:43 pm: Okajima takes over for Matsusaka as required by three separate trade agreements with Japan.
9:47 pm: Thanks, Chip, for your keen definition of irony.
9:51 pm: Upton strikes out, Peña bunts at third in the shift to extend a wooden middle finger at the Red Sox, and Iwamura steals third to wiggle the middle finger in the Red Sox's bum.
9:54 pm: We would give our entire fee for this evening's festivities to see Iwamura attempt to steal home now that Longoria has struck out. You usin' the whole fist there, Doc?
9:56 pm: Carl Crawford grounds out and Scoop Jackson's favorite Geico commercial comes on to comfort us as 4.5 innings pass. Thankfully, the TBS crew is cut short from telling everyone to tune in to Grey's Anatomy.
10:01 pm: We stepped away to make popcorn. The fifth inning ended. Rays 5-0.
10:07 pm: Willy Aybar shows his selflessness and affection for the team by popping out to Kotsay and not drawing attention to himself.
10:08 pm: Navarro follows to Bay. This team just cares so much, y'know?
10:10 pm: Ditto Gabe Gross, but he also mentions on his way to the dugout how much he'd like McFly to make like a tree and get out of the top of the sixth.
10:11 pm: Props to the actor that has to emote to a laptop screen for a national spot. That's patently unfair. And dull.
10:16 pm: Youkilis' Uncle Traveling Matt just sent him a postcard. Kevin strikes out so he can get back to the bench to read it.
10:18 pm: If Chip Caray is correct, Scott Kazmir really regrets not widening Darryl Cousins' box tonight.
10:19 pm: Farthammer can collect his prize at the Customer Service tent.
10:20 pm: Two strikes, one popup and Rays 5-0 at the end of six.
10:22 pm: Manny Delcarmen enters. Fans leave.
10:25 pm: TBS is listing the broadcasting cast and crew. That's never a good sign if you're Boston-lovin'.
10:28 pm: Which reminds us... Chuck Lamar doesn't deserve his own graphic unless it includes a mug shot from his arrest for crimes against baseball in St. Petersburg.
10:32 pm: A 10-minute Lamar interview... do you get the sense that TBS realizes this is the last chance at an exclusive this season? Maybe a little?
The economist from New Hampshire walks and Iwamura follows. Have we spoken about our huge mancrush on Iwamura? Now we have. We will dig following him in the Fall Classic.
10:33 pm: We're worried Obama has more money than sense.
10:34 pm: Papelbon's on in the top of the seventh with no out and two on. Let's see... how can we express this...
10:39 pm: Double steal.
10:42 pm: Upton doubles off the top of the scoreboard; the thieves get away scot-free. Rays 7-0.
10:45 pm: Is it possible to hold a coronation for a ray?
10:49 pm: A 4-6-3 double play only brings the count to two outs, sending a runner to third. Really, if Papelbon was supposed to stop the bleeding, he probably should have left the aspirin on the counter at home.
10:52 pm: 5-3, Crawford. The top of the seventh ends.
10:58 pm: A double and an out. Yes.
11:02 pm: Then another out. (See, if you give them attention, they'll just want more.)
11:04 pm: First and third, two out. WE DON'T SEE YOU, BOSTON.
11:09 pm: ... we see you. WE SEE YOU, LITTLE DUSTIN. Yeesh. Rays 7-1. First and third, two out. (And, in case you missed it, B.J. Upton has a Season Pass on his TiVo to The Gun Show.)
11:11 pm: David Ortiz sends Grant Balfour back to the fourth line penalty-killing unit with a bomb to right. Rays 7-4.
During this pitching change, an admission: we were really away this half-inning because we couldn't find the video we wanted for the seventh inning stretch. It still applies, though, so... please enjoy Swedish country musicians covering... well, you'll see.
11:14 pm: I haven't seen this many beards since a Rock Hudson-Doris Day-Tony Randall movie.
11:17 pm: Youkilis flies out to right. Rays 7-4. End of seven.
11:20 pm: If someone succumbed to a heart ailment in front of Cal Ripken, Jr., in real life, he would take control of the situation and pull the person back from the brink with CPR administered using only his steely blue gaze.
11:21 pm: TBS runs what we believe is the first crawl advertisement all game for a possible Game Six. Just getting up the nerve, are we, TBS?
11:24 pm: Papelbon logs a strikeout. If we're Joe Maddon (or merely Gene Hackman from The Conversation), we empty the bullpen for the next two innings. The World Series starts Wednesday. All of them will get plenty of rest. Everyone pitches; everybody wins!
11:25 pm: Navarro pops out to center. Hey, so this MLB Network sign says "January 1, 2009". Is that midnight Eastern time or time zone-specific? 'Cause we're stayin' in to see history launched. Video killed the radio play-by-play announcer, baby!
11:27 pm: Strike three on Gabe Gross and someone in a Coast Guard jacket's gettin' an ass-whoopin'.
11:32 pm: Dan Wheeler hates his defenses vigorously and walks Jason Bay.
11:38 pm: Would the team trainer please check the pulse of Joe Maddon? Put a mirror under his nose?
11:40 pm: Kotsay takes second on a double. Someone place a defibrillator on Maddon's chest, for Christ's sake!
11:44 pm: Covelli gets paid by the minute. 10 pitches into the at-bat and he's still wigglin' his ass for national TV.
7-7. Covelli gets tossed out on the way to second but not before Kotsay scores. You were too late, Travolta! Too late. End of the eighth of many innings to come... or not.
11:51 pm: Masterson and Cash... what an awful sequel that was. Next time, just pay Tango.
11:52 pm: President Bartlett takes first on a single to Greenland. Now we get to see if Maddon's wax figure can make signals to the third base coach.
11:54 pm: The hit and run from Iwamura fails when he doesn't complete the former, instead popping out. One down.
11:58 pm: Ball four to BeeJay. The Bear (aka Reverse Tilde) steps to the plate.
11:59 pm: ... and promptly grounds into a double play. Shall we dance in the bottom of the ninth?
12:03 AM: Your traditional 5-6-3 putout on Pedwoia.
12:04 AM: So if he doesn't bunt here, does he hate his team and Peña loves his?
12:05 AM: Question answered.
12:06 AM: Strikeout. Loves his team but not enough at the moment.
12:10 AM: Past a Fraggle's bedtime, which explains the groundout to third. Not explainable: the throw to third. It ends up in the first base seats and the hands of a man still wearing a tie after midnight while not hosting a supper club. Second base, two outs. Bay will be walked to set up J.D. Drew's shining moment.
12:12 AM: After a near-decapitation, a Joe Maddon sighting! We assume he was wheeled out on a dolly.
12:15 AM: Iracane has the shrimp up in the pen.
Well done, gentlemen of Boston. We'll rank this somewhere between "Gesundheit" and "Shut up and deal" in famous final lines. In lieu of flowers, please send donations or used eyeglasses to the Lions Clubs in the name of Joe Maddon's tactical acumen.
Another liveglog Saturday; you think it'll be worth checking in? Maybe a bit?