Okay, gloggers. Every day of the playoffs brings new memories and more important games. You've got your Red Sox coming off a bad game that pushed them down 2-1 in their own joint and you've got your Rays riding high after winning back home-field advantage. You've got solid but unimpressive postseason vet Tim Wakefield going up against young bright-eyed Andy Sonnanstine. You've got an evening date with Rob Iracane on the Internet, and I've got a six pack of BLts waiting to help me render my opinions and reactions completely illegible.
Here are your lineups for the game:
Some notable moves tonight: Jacoby Ellsbury (0-for-20 streak) is out and J.D. Drew is in as the leadoff hitter. Coco Crisp will play centerfield tonight for the Red Sox. For the Rays, welcome rookie switch-hitter and New Jerseyite Fernando Perez to the starting lineup, making his first start since October 3rd against the ChiSox.
Enough prattle! Follow along with me after the jump:
7:55PM: Holy crap, Trot Nixon threw out the ceremonial first pitch? What, was Ted Williams' frozen head not available? Was Mike Greenwell busy? Did Butch Huskey have other plans?
8:00PM: Was Pokey Reese getting his hair done? Did Curtis Leskanic have a hot date? Was Dale Sveum seeing a late showing of Beverly Hills Chihuahua?
8:05PM: I don't think we've covered this on WoW but did you see that Bon Jovi is being sued for stealing that "I Love This Town" song from some schlub? Yeah, for $400 billion in damages. I'd like to piggyback on that lawsuit and get some compensatory damages for all the douche chills I've gotten from listening to the rest of Bon Jovi's catalog.
8:07PM: Awesome, I think Sager is wearing crushed velvet today. Hey Craig, Prince called. He wants his jacket back. And tie. And exorbitant sense of self-satisfaction. Hey, the game started.
8:10PM: Hey, did you hear? Paul Byrd totes saved the Boston bullpen last night by going a lot of innings! And giving up a three-run dong to Rocco Baldelli that killed any last chances the Sox had to win! What a hero!
8:12PM: The Wake rollercoaster begins. Aki Iwamura strikes out, Beej Upton walks, and then Upton steals second with greater ease than the Republicans stole Ohio.
8:12:30PM: Carlos Pena takes Tim Wakefield for a spin around the basepaths with a huge dong over teh monstah. 2-0 Rays. Evan Longoria back-to-backs it and it's 3-0 Rays.
8:15PM: Well that didn't go quite as swimmingly as some folks expected. Hey Tito, betcha wish you had another Paul Byrd at your disposal. He's a hero!
8:18PM: The Rays didn't really heed my advice and they're continuing to be Arthur Aggressive on the basepaths. No matter, a dead retarded squirrel could steal off this battery. Hey, folks in Boston haven't been this upset since the Massachusetts Circular Letter, amirite?
8:21PM: No need for a bullpen, Tito. Wakefield's knuckleballs are like a box of chocolates: sometimes you press your finger up through the bottom of them and white creamy goo comes out. See, he still managed to get three outs to go with those three runs.
8:24PM: I thought Joe Maddon was going to get a mohawk but he just ended up looking like he's got a terrible case of bedhead.
8:27PM: Hey Bostonians, if you're still at work, watch your commute later. The city is going to burn if this continues. Translation: avoid the Ted Williams Tunnel.
8:30PM: CRAIG SAGER'S IN THE SCOREBOARD! KILL IT! KILL IT DEAD!
8:31PM: The Rayspocalypse gets a temporary pause as Wake retires Tampa 1-2-3.
8:33PM: I don't like Miller High Life because I'm not an ironic hipster, but I love those commercials where Cee-Lo goes around to swank, overpriced places and takes their High Life away. Oh, that Cee-Lo is such a card!
8:36PM: Kevin Youkilis takes one for a ride but Upton snags it. Bay gets on thanks to the first Rays error of the ALCS, a double oopsie by Longoria. Kotsay singles. Hey, is this a little Red Sox rally?
8:38PM: In a word: no. Coco Crisp GIDP's and earns the ire of Patrick from Medford.
8:40PM: No, television guy, my lights are most certainly not out. But I forgot to save my power bill last week, so I'm contributing something to the environment, right?
8:41PM: Kevin Youkilis battles the dugout cameras and wins.
8:43PM: Wake makes a gold glove caliber play but loses his mojo in the process of eating turf and fails to get an out. Story of my life, Wake.
8:44PM: OH BOY OH BOY that's fair and Willy Aybar has paid his final mortgage payment and taken the deed into his possession. He officially owns Tim Wakefield now. 5-0 Rays.
8:47PM: Wakefield is doneskis, recording just eight outs while allowing at least five runs. Still, he had six straight outs at one point, so metaphorically speaking, his night wasn't a trainwreck, it was more like a rollercoaster that flipped over at the end and killed two dozen middle schoolers.
8:50PM: Red Sox fans, raise your hand if you're happy to see Masterson out there. Okay, didn't think so.
8:53PM: I once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express in Portland, ME. These ads are totally true, staying there really made me smarter. Smart enough that I checked out the next morning and got the fuck out of Portland, ME.
8:55PM: Kevin Cash, of all people, gets the Sox on the board with a solo dong. 5-1 Rays. Jason Varitek, eat your heart out.
8:58PM: Sonnanstine seems to have settled down since allowing that tater tot. Either that, or the Rays were simply perfectly positioned on the field to catch the batted balls. It's all fucking luck, this game.
8:59PM: HOLY SHIT THAT MAN IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE. It's enough to turn me gay. Or cannibalistic. Not quite sure which one. I feel weird.
9:04PM: Hey did you see that cop standing behind James Shields? He was so Irish he looked like a ton of corned beef floating in beer.
9:07PM: Ooh, Upton totally almost got picked off. I could have written an entire new blog entry about that! Dammit, Upton!
9:10PM: Hey, this Masterson kid is doing pretty well. /Iracane kiss of death.
9:13PM: Our pal Jonah Keri is in attendance at Fenway tonight and has this to report:
Fans were dead quiet at first, which is what happens when a team with 1/4 of your payroll humiliates you in front of 37,000 douchebags...ummm...I mean, the esteemed denizens of Red Sox Nation. To be fair, fans have gotten more vocal since. That's probably the beer talking, though.
It's okay Jonah, you never have to be fair with Red Sox fans. They're so foul. ZING
9:15PM: Youkilis has warning track power tonight. Keep trying, Kevin! I want to re-use my Yooooouk picture!
9:18PM: Jonah mentions that he ran into Kurkjian tonight in the regular press box and that Tim is one of the nicest guys who tells the best stories around. If CTC was online right now, he could tell an even better story about Kurk.
9:21PM: Masterson absolutely humiliates Longoria, and everything bad I said about Justin now gets neatly swept into the dustpan of regret.
9:24PM: Aybar drives in Crawford with a single and then pulls the ol' "I'm a Young Baseball Player Who Got Fooled by Kevin Youkilis Trying to Stray Off the Bag" trick.
9:27PM: Buck Martinez gives the Rays the kiss of death, compares them to the similarly poor but perennially underachieving Minnesota Twins franchise. Sorry, Sooze!
9:30PM: Off-topic: Molly Ringwald looks great.
9:33PM: "(B.J. Upton) eats up ground like crazy," exclaims Buck Martinez. That sounds filthy, but it's true, the kid has learned himself some good range out in centerfield. He's like Willie Mays....Hayes. Unsung hero of the night: Rays defense. Wait, I just sung it.
9:35PM: Wait a minute, Sharp Aquos is sponsoring this "Lights Out" endeavor? Really? Sharp, the maker of LCD televisions that use up 50% more energy than a similarly sized old-school CRT television? Are they fucking serious? You want to save the environment? Either unplug your LCD and plasma TVs or leave me the eff alone.
9:36PM: And if I see another ExxonMobil commercial about "going green" or "saving the endangered Australian fruit bat" I'm going to drive my car off a cliff. Into a cave full of Australian fruit bats.
9:39PM: The Pride of Hyde Park, Manny Delcarmen, has replaced Masterson on the pitching mound for the Sox. He's off to a great start, retiring Fernando Perez with a K. Note: Delcarmen is a really good reliever and should be Tito's best right handed reliever. Jason Bartlett doubles just as I was typing that and nearly gets thrown out stretching it into a triple. My advice to the Rays to be cautious on the basepaths has been struck down as ridiculous like the time I advised John Kerry to choose a puppy dog as his running mate in 2004. PEOPLE LOVE PUPPY DOGS.
9:44PM: Beej Upton continues his assault on Red Sox pitching, driving in Bartlett with a simple ground ball single. 7-1 Rays and this thing is being pushed out of reach for Boston.
9:47PM: Delcarmen loads the bases with a walk to Pena and everything I've said tonight is wrong. Including the part about Molly Ringwald.
9:50PM: Oh, the hated bases-loaded walk brings Upton home and it's 8-1 Rays. Francona is saddened and trudges out to the mound to pull Delcarmen in favor of....ehh, fuck it, just bring in Oil Can Boyd.
9:55PM: Carl Crawford collects his fourth hit of the night, driving in Pena and pushing the Rays ahead 9-1. And if it's fish doing their death flop you want, just fast-forward to the end of this video.
9:58PM: Aybar singles and it's 10-1 Rays. This thing has devolved into an absolute rout, not unlike the time I challenged CTC to a contest to see who could eat the most Doritos. He beat me, 2,593 ounces to seven.
10:01PM: Delcarmen allows five runs while retiring just one batter? Jesus, I couldn't have been any more wrong. Navarro picks up the RBI groundout and it's 11-1 Rays.
10:04PM: Perez grounds out but the Rays got the needle and the damage done, batting around and scoring five runs. Ladies and gentlemen, things look positively bleak for the Red Sox; ignore whatever Buck Martinez is blathering about, please.
10:07PM: Ron Darling claims that Sonnanstine can throw strikes in his sleep. Darling should know, he climbs onto Sonnanstine's roof every night and peers in his bedroom window lovingly.
10:09PM: The bottom of the sixth took just three minutes to play. The top of the sixth lasted several eons and an ice age.
10:14PM: It's seventh inning stretch time, y'all!
10:17PM: Wow, a Big Papi triple. Who saw that coming?
10:20PM: Youkilis grounds out but picks up the RBI. Eh, picture time. 11-2 Rays.
10:23PM: Upton makes a Mays-esque catch and nearly doubles up Bay at first. Seriously, center field in Fenway is a tough place to play.
10:26PM: No matter what happens the rest of the game, Andy Sonnanstine pitched seven innings and gave up just two runs. Kudos to the kid.
10:30PM: Ah, the TBS cameras have captured the mass exodus of Red Sox fans montage. It's just like the Jews escaping from Egypt but instead of being led by Moses, they're led by some mick named, most appropriately, Mick.
10:33PM: Mike Timlin finally ties Mariano Rivera in a career stat category: most appearances in an LCS game. Yes, Mike Timlin wins more praise for simply showing up.
10:35PM: Youkilis again moves to his right to snag a hard hit grounder and fires one to first in time to retire Longoria. Our Greek friend hasn't done much at the plate tonight but earns another picture for another fine defensive play.
10:37PM: And Carl Crawford ties an ALCS record with his fifth hit of the night. Kid's a tater short of the cycle, and it's 12-2 Rays.
10:38PM: Christ, Willy Aybar has five RBI on the night? It's okay, Sox fans, you can head out to the bars now. 13-2 Rays.
10:41PM: I haven't seen a lopsided LCS game like this since...well..since last night. Sweet Caroline, my asshole.
10:44PM: To add insult to prior insult, Andy Sonnanstine is still in the game and still absolutely dealing. The Sox got outplayed in pitching, hitting, defense, peanut vending, and the all-important Rock N Roll Trivia tonight.
10:47PM: Pedroia singles to center and drives in Lowrie and Sonnanstine's night is over. 13-3 Rays.
10:50PM: Here's ace reliever Trever Miller. He struck out Ortiz in the one at-bat they faced each other in the 2008 regular season, but walked him in Game Two of the ALCS.
10:50:30PM: Ortiz K's again, and the Red Sox fans embarrass themselves by booing Big Papi. Classy. Youkilis doubles to drive in Pedroia, 13-4 Rays.
10:53PM: Fastballer Edwin Jackson comes on for Joe Maddon's Rays to attempt to put the Sox out of their misery and end this doddering liveglog before I put everyone to sleep.
10:56PM: Jackson fireballs Jason Bay and we're headed to the ninth. Ooh, a special preview of a Hollywood picture! Sorry, Ed Norton, but nobody is still watching this game. Your little film preview will fall upon few eyeballs.
11:00PM: You know things are out of reach when Ben Zobrist pinch hits. He puts one into the Fenway triangle but Coco Crisp is there. Hey, remember when Coco Crisp GIDP'd and ended the Red Sox threat in the second? Yeah, that was a turning point.
11:03PM: We're headed to the bottom of the ninth. CAN the Rays hang on to their wafer thin nine run lead?
11:06PM: If you're still reading this, congrats! You've made it to the center of my Tootsie Glog. Here's vlogger Sean Casey to pinch hit.
11:07PM: The New Jersey native strikes out looking.
11:09PM: Inexplicably, Jackson walks Coco Crisp on four pitches. Seriously, I'd like to figure out an explanation for that, but my mind has been sufficiently boggled. Here's Ellsbury.
11:11PM: Jackson inexplicably walks Ellsbury on four straight pitches. What the fuck, dude? We're trying to reach endgame here. Even the Sox fans are rooting for two more quick outs.
11:13PM: The Sox are rallying and the tying run is on second. Well, he'd have to score and let the entire lineup bat around and then score again to tie it up, but you get my drift. Lowrie strikes out looking.
11:15PM: Drew strikes out and the game is finished. Rays up 3 to 1 in the series and have a stranglehold on Boston tonight. Thanks for joining me for this glog and thanks to the Sox and Rays for finishing this one up before my bedtime! Heck, all three of my LCS liveglogs have finished in under 3 hours and 10 minutes. See you all tomorrow, readers and commenters!