Children gather round. Tonight could be manna from Heaven for the miserable Philly fan in your life. A win over the Dodgers will send them to their first WS since 1993. It's me, you and a pint of Jack Daniel's famous Tennessee life elixir. I'm supposed to go on the radio in an hour, but who knows what will happen. So have your copy of "Whatever It Takes, Dude" at the ready. It's baseball time.
Here are your lineups. I wanna rock with you, after the jump.
8:23: Tim's key's to the game. Chad Billingsley is "ultra competitive." So was that uppity dame Elizabeth from 1st grade that spelled banana to beat me in the first grade spelling bee.
8:24: The last time we saw Chad, he was cruising until i played that McDonald's commercial with Grandpa Munster and Eddie Haskell. I'll be keeping that video under lock and key for all you Dodgers fans tonight.
8:25: Jimmy Rollins, solo leadoff Jack O' Lantern. TOO MANY DING DONGS IN TEH PLAYOFFZ. 1-0 Phils. The Fresh Prince is ecstatic.
8:28: And Chad-O walks Jayson Werth. As my grandpa used to say, "This is some auspicious shit, whitey."
8:30: Utley grounds back to the mound into a rare 1-3-6 DP. Rafael Furcal's ankle crumples like Radiatori on the play.
8:32: Furcal is ok, but my pasta is overdone. Frownies. Ryan Howard grounds out to first and Lincoln is trying to sell me a car with an electroclash tune. I'm not sure they know their demographic.
8:35: Furcal grounds out to short and it sounds like Vincent Price is the Dodgers PA announcer. I'm sure he's not, since he's dead, but it's Hollywood. They can't do shit like that? Ethier flies out to right.
8:38: Interesting stat: Manny has the most career postseason RBI for someone with crocheted hair.
8:40: He walks. Seriously though, dude get his hair done at Ben Franklin.
8:40: Tim says "Hamels has been disturbingly high." Sounds like my freshman year. Inning over.
8:43: Jeff Bridges tells me that the Hyundai Genesis goes 0-60 faster than a Porsche. Not only that but think of all the money you'll save on hairplugs and a girlfriend half your age.
8:45: Billingsley k's Chief Burrell. Aaaand it's out first Ken Rosenthal sighting of the night. WHO'S BAKING THE E.L. FUDGE>
8:46: Billingsley gets Shane Victorino on strikes. What's his nickname? I can't seem to remember. I've only heard it once.
8:48: Feliz singles, Ruiz flies out. End of 1 and a half. Eric Nies and John Cleese will leadoff the next innning.
8:50: Darren is bored tonight because his Skype is down so he can't have virtual intercourse with his girlfriend. In lieu of that he'll be sending me photoshops all night. Here's your first:
8:52: Loney singles to center. Blake flies out to right after getting fisted on a jamshot. FistedjamshotFistedjamshotFistedjamshotFistedjamshotFistedjamshot
8:56: Matt Kemp goes to right. McCarver's right. Hamels is waaaaaaaay to high. Get that man some Pringles. Joyce DeWitt absolutely kills the rally with a 5-4-3 DP.
8:57: You know, I've seen quite a few episodes of Coach in my day, but I do not remember the episode where his daughter gets possessed.
8:58: Oh hey look, it's that Gatorade commercial set at The Swamp. Fuck the Gators.
9:01: Billingsley got that white guy to strike out. I was up getting more Jack.
9:02: He walks Rollins. My friend is calling me but I can't pick up because I'm glogging. For you. Rob Iracane, the only person reading this.
9:03: Call me Uncle Dick Schofield from now on.
9:05: Rollins steals second. When he was walked I was going to say "That's like giving him a double." But I thought it was hacky and something McCarver would say. I WOULDA BEEN RIGHT HFGLEWIHLHE.
:9:07: Werth grounds out., 2 down. Here is Darren's newest picture.
I'm pretty sure that's Frank Caliendo inserted into Caligula. Someone fix that guy's Skype. Fast.
9:10: Utley walks. Which is more than I can say for my neighbor, Legless Earl.
9:13: Ryan Howard dingles to right despite looking lost for most of that at bat. Rollins scores, twilight draws nearer in Los Angeles. 2-0 Phils.
9:15: Chief Burrell drives one to right center. That's gonna plate Chutley. 3-0 Phils. Someone check on Clare.
9:17: After a wild pitch, Ol' Chad IBB's Victorino (WHAT is his nickname???) to load them up for Pedro "Los" Feliz. That's it for Billingsley.
9:21: Chan Ho Park gets Feliz to ground out, end the inning and stop the bleeding. This new 007 looks pretty dope. Even though I have no idea what the shit "Quantum Of Solace" is supposed to mean.
9:24: Ozuna pitch hits for Chan Ho Park and bunts. OUT. HE BUNTS OUT. Chan Ho couldn't have done that? Furcal flies out too. This team looks Deadzo.
9:28: Joe Buck, one of the most famous baseball announcers in the country, is unaware that Scott Kazmir is pitching tomorrow night for the Rays. Can we replace him with James Woods? Eithier strikes out, and LA is pulling straight turdballs. End of 3.
9:31: Greg Maddux is in. Joe Torre should automatically have someone warming up, shouldn't he? This is potentially it, Joe. Wake up. JOE! JOE! Maddux gets Ruiz to fly out.
9:34: Madduz K's Hamels. I was up getting a refill. Remember earlier today when I said I was gonna be on the radio? Yeah, not so much. They need new interns at Hardcore Radio. I think the last one OD'd on Jolt Gum. EXXTREME.
9:36: Maddux stikes out Rollins. Good inning by Moses.
9:37: Do you think Volcano Tacos make your poop burn when it's coming out?
9:39: Manny grounds out to third. You know, I've only read about Ned Colletti, I've never seen him before. That's a pretty solid mustache. I'm surprised Rob dislikes someone that woppy.
9:42: Martin grounds out and Scott Boras is wearing a sweater that manages to be both hideous and super queer. He looks like sherbet. I hope he has burning shits for the rest of his life. Evil bastard. Loney strikes out. Scott Boras sucks. End of 4.
9:44: For you, from Darren.
I think he's representing or something.
9:47: Werth singles, Utley grounds out, but James Loney has something stiiiicky in his glove and can't turn two. Maybe it's Hamels' weed.
9:49: Howard singles. No not, Howard Sprague! Ryan Howard!
9:52: Dodgers pulling some Bad News Bears bullshit. Furcal boots an easy grounder then throws it waaaaay past Martin at home. 4-0 Phils. Bases stuffed. The only good that can come of this is Furcal telling the Phillies to shove their trophy up their ass, postgame.
9:56: Maddux K's Feliz. Getting Ruiz out here would constitute, in my opinion, a pretty good job by the crafty veteran I slagged two innings ago despite the best efforts of his dead retarded teammates.
9:59: Oh my god, Furcal. Loney shoudl have scooped that... but Jesus. Don't even look at me Rafael.
10:01: Hey, it's an Obama commercial! That reminds me. How's that debate going? There was no way I was watching that shit tonight. McCain accuse Obama of carpooling with the Ayatollah yet? Obama answer a question yet? F....zzzzzz
10:03: If a player from another team told me to "keep my head up" after I made 3 errors in an inning I drive my spikes into his throat. Get lost, Victorino. LASORDA IS WAVING A RALLY TOWEL. I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THESE DODGERS. WHO'S READY FOR AN EPIC COMEBACK?
10:04: Casey "Guts" "Grit" "Ballplayer" "White Guy With Beard" Blake singles to right, and oh my god I just agreed with Tim McCarver about something. He also thinks Victorino should suck it. WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.
10:07: Matt Kemp with a single. Brings up DeWitt. Don't blow this, Joyce.
10:09 Wow DeWitt. I'm not even man, I'm just unimpressed. Anchorman comment, FTW. 2 down. Rally murderer.
10:11: Jeff Kent goes down swinging and looked awful awful awful on that at bat. How did they not score any runs there? Atrocious Dodgers. Just atrocious.
10:15: Blake DeWitt is removed from the game so that Jeff Kent can stay in the game. Wow. That should do nothing to destroy his confidence as he progresses in life. Sh!tshow: Are you looking forward to the new season of 24?
10:16: Chase Utley is James McDonald's idol? Seems weird. I have no idea how the two outs in this inning were made.
10:18: MCDONALD STRIKES OUT HIS IDOL ITS LIKE SHAKESPEARE END OF ^ AND A HALF
10:21: Furcal makes up for his 3 errors by grounding out weakly to second. Way to show those boo birds, Raf.
10:23: Burrell makes a nice running grab on an Ethier drive. McCarver says "Pat the Bat? Now it's Pat the Glove." I wish he'd said "Pat the Ball."
10:27: Manny hits a solo home run. Who cares. 5-1 Phils
10:29: Martin strikes out looking and argues with the ump as some cheery ass Randy Newman plays. Lulz.
10:31: Howard walks. Yes this time it was Howard Sprague.
10:38: I believe earlier Buck said that the playoffs make heroes and household names of previously unknown guys. That may be true, but since I'm a grumpy old man, the playoffs just make me dislike new guys i didn't used to dislike. This year? BJ Upton and Shane Victorino. Ruiz ends the inning. James McDonald kind of impressive. Shit, I need a stretchtime video.
10:40: 7th inning stretch, Death Row style.
10:44: Some guy made an out and then Casey Blake flew out to deeeep Right Center prompting Tim McCarver to call Shane Victorino "the Best Buy the Phillies have made in the past ten years." Whatever the fuck that means. 2 down.
10:48: Kemp walks bringing up the pinch hitter, Nomar. I bet he swings at every pitch.
10:51: Wow. Couldn't have been more wrong. Nomar works a full count walk. Who the hell was that guy?
10:52: Charlie Manuel visits the mound to the Rolling Stones' "Get Off Of My Cloud." Good tune. Jeff Kent is up.
10:55: Kent called out on a borderfuckingline strikeout. Looked low to me. End of inning. I'm gonna get some ice cream. BRBLOLOMG411OVC.
10:58: Hey, Joe Beimel is in! Perfect time to watch a Troy video. I'm too lazy to paste one. One batter and he's out. TRIPLESTEAK
11:03: END THIS SHIT I WANNA WATCH THE NEWS.
11:04: Rollins grounds out to 2nd, someo ther dude grounds out to Nomar at third. Creme Brulee Haagen Dazs is pretty good. End of 8.5.
11:07: hahaha Sharp Aquos are dicks. They gave Furcal the game changing play of the game. Furcal hits a looping liner to a diving Utley. VOLCANO TACO.
11:10: Mmmm..mm. That Alyssa Milano is foxy. I don't care how many innings she's gone with however many pitchers. Tasty tasty hi-hat.
11:14: Hey, Manny has a two out single. Isn't he Christ-y. I'm sick of talking about him. I'm sick of hearing about him. Just hurry up and let him sign with the Yankees so he can become washed up and irrelevant.
11:17 Out by some guy. Top of 9 coming up. I find Sharp's slogan "Change Your TV, Change Your Life" a terrible commentary on American society. Then again I have 5 Garfield T-Shirts. I'm a man of contradiction.
11:20: Tim Crews now in for the Dodgers. Every pitcher in creation has toed the mound for the Dodgers this week. My typing hurts.
11:22: Fox wants to give the Player of the Game to Cole Hamels. So in his honor I give you the The Hamel Brothers. They're the mechanics my family used to go to when we still lived in Lowell. Im getting punchy.
11:28: Bottom of the ninth. Brad Lidge drags his infallible ass into the game to try and end it.
11:30: James Loney drops a broken bat single into CF. Of course he does.
11:32: Casey Blake flies out to CF. He's flown out to center approx 340 times in this series. 1 down.
11:34: Kemp flies alllll the way back to the CF wall. Very far. Not far enough. Dodgers' last out is Nomar.
11:37: Phillies win the Pennant. Game over.