Seriously. Before we go any further, please read this. In its entirety.
Finished? Ok, let's talk about what a giant turd Ken Slate of The Warren Reporter is.
I don't think there is any other way to do this than to break it down, by paragraph. So let's go.
Several weeks ago, I got up around 6 a.m. and, following my normal routine, made a cup of coffee, sat down at the computer and signed onto Yahoo to check out the baseball news. What I found set me back on my heels: a news report of two Indian pitchers -that's pitchers from India- who were brought to a Tempe, Ariz. sports clinic for a Major League tryout.
He left, "taking my foot off a black guy's throat" out of his normal routine.
Foreign guys playing baseball set him back on his heels, even though his fat bathrobed ass is already poured into a computer chair. We're only to assume he's sitting in one of these
If you ever need proof that someone is completely out of touch, check to see if -they use dashes instead of commas and use four letter state abbreviations. How bout that Louisiana Purchase!-
Back to the scathing racism.
"Indians In General" is my second favorite D.W. Griffith movie.
Let me say right off that I have nothing personal against Indians in general or Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel in particular.
It's just that my head began to reel as I read about this further inroad into my beloved sport, and I became more and more depressed when I tried to imagine the future of America's favorite past-time as we know it; I saw the "O" word creeping in - "Outsourcing."
When most people say "the O Word" it's because they don't want to say orgasm in front of their kids. Ken Slate has never been in the same room as either an orgasm or a child*.
He's back on his heels! His head is now reeling! It's like Glass Joe is writing this column. Our beloved author is now DEPRESSED because foreigners are playing what he claims to be his beloved sport. The grand sport of Clemente, Marichal and APPROXIMATELY 36 MILLION LATIN PLAYERS SINCE 1970 is now being infiltrated by people that weren't born in New Jersey. I think someone just unfroze Ken Slate and he has yet to take his ten minute piss on Walt Disney.
Ok. Time for the superlong unformatted paragraph -sign number two of a batshit crazy old man on the keyboard.-
Truth be told, we brought this development on ourselves. America's generosity and love of the game saw us wanting to share our national past-time overseas. According to MLB.com, American teams first visited Japan in 1908 and the success of the sport there resulted in its expansion by the Japanese to Korea and China. In recent years, American baseball teams have played regularly before foreign audiences, thereby expanding the overseas fan base exponentially. Earlier this year when the Boston Red Sox opened their season against the Oakland Athletics, both teams traveled to Tokyo and played their series opener before a crowd of 44,628.
Do you hear that America? It's our fault. Instead of putting a lead shield over all of our baseball fields as Ken Slate suggested back in 1929, we had to share this game. And now we're paying the price of increased competition.
Last year, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice appointed Cal Ripkin, Jr. a Special Sports Envoy, his mission being to promote baseball around the world. And Ripkin is not our first representative to showcase our national past-time to the world. Since 2006, the Detroit Tigers' young center fielder Curtis Granderson, one of the game's most visible stars, has traveled to Africa, Europe and China as part of major league baseball's ambassador program; he's also a member of an international delegation trying to convince the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to re-introduce baseball to the summer games. Furthering that effort are the many countries outside America that have active baseball leagues; the IOC decision will be made next year.
You can't even spell Ripken, you tremendous dink.
But back to Rinku and Dinesh. I don't expect them to hold out for salaries equivalent to marquee players like A-Rod, Jeter or Manny. To the contrary, we've seen over the past 60 years that what used to be manufactured in America has moved overseas because foreign nationals are willing to work for less than their American counterparts. After all, when work is scarce, people will accept low wages to feed their families.
Is it too farfetched to think that owners of American baseball teams, in an effort to curtail the greed of their players for higher and higher salaries, might seize the opportunity to cut payroll by moving overseas? Don't be surprised to see the Detroit Tigers move to India and be renamed the Bengal Tigers, followed by the Kerala Indians, New Delhi Nationals, Madras Cobras and others. Eventually, we'll outsource the whole sport.
If you think I'm losing my marbles to suggest this, consider any recent trip to a baseball game you might have made with your family. Did you first stop off at the bank for a loan? Add to the cost of traveling to the ballpark that of tickets, food and souvenirs and you've got a major-league outlay. And with some seats at the new Yankees Stadium going for as much as $2,500 per game (Hurry! Only a few left) and the Mets at $495 for their best seats, it might work out cheaper to head to Kennedy Airport, grab a flight on Air India and enjoy our national past-time there. Watching from your choice seats at New Delhi's Ambedkar Stadium, you can munch on a bag of crispy bhel puri, washing it down with a cold bottle of Belo beer. Life doesn't get much better than that in India.
If you have the time, you might also stop off at the tailor for a custom suit or two, or have major surgery performed at discount prices.
After several days of Indian baseball, you could take the family on a tour of the whole country for not much more than it presently costs to attending several games here. Is this is a fantasy scenario of baseball's future? Only time will tell.
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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHY DID MY GRANDPA HAVE TO DIE BUT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
At least he left his email address. I'm going to do my part by emailing him this post.