Recently in BONILLA 2009 Category

bonilla2009.jpgIt is hard to believe Kris, Rob, and I set ourselves up for certain failure by creating the BONILLA system two full years ago. Not only is that the amount of time it felt like we invested in writing it but two years is the collective amount of time it took off the end of our lives. Unfortunately for Kris, he's now running a deficit in that department. RIP CATSHIRT.

Early in 2009, the internet was lousy with freely accessible projections systems, providing hope to some (like Bill James Juiced Up Gonzo Projections) and reality (the other, more depressing systems) to the rest. Having a difficult enough time with linear thought let alone linear weights, we three dummies opted to throw our hat in the ring with the "Based On Nothing Important, Let's Look at Age."

The result is a series of occasionally funny lines of borderline nonsense which actually turned out pretty well. We refrained from reaching for the cheapest and most obvious joke at least 30% of the time, not bad for jokes written in bulk. We tackled the players based on the year in which they were born.

Kris kicked it off with 1985 babies and Rob followed with old dogs from 1973. Kris took 1980 and I did 1979. Just like that night in Nha Trang.

The behemoth that was players born in 1977 went to Mr. Iracane while Kris had the honor of examining those born in 1978, the birth year of kings. Rob's work on players born in 1976 opened a window into his own mortality while Kris and I ganged up the 1983 births, not unlike a much darker night in Da Nang.

Finally, Rob broke the spirit of the youth while Kris wrapped it the whole fruitless exercise by paying homage to the 40-plus oldies.

All in all, a pretty fun way to kill time during the long wait for spring training that is January . Take a stroll through the BONILLA archives and hit us back with your favorites. Or don't waste significant chunks of your workday a second time. Your choice.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

This afternoon, in no particular order, we look at players born before 1970. It's the final edition of BONILLA for the year:

Age 40

Ken Griffey, OF: One of all the all time greats, with one of the all time nice Moms. Lives in Orlando so he can ride Splash Mountain "whenever he damn well pleases."

Troy Percival, RP: Has started a single game in 14 year career. Someone must have had terrible diarrhea that day... but Troy will never say who.

Mariano Rivera, RP: The most feared relief pitcher of all time famously throws only one pitch. So why's he so scary? Prior to each game he dunks his uniform in a washtub of pitbull pheremones. From fresh squeezed pitbulls. I'm just glad he's old.

So Taguchi, OF: Born during Woodstock to two idealistic 17 year olds from Western CT. Herb Centers and Marion Thomas thought it was just the acid that made their child look Japanese. But it wasn't. So they named him So Taguchi and just played along. They married 8 weeks later.

Age 41

Rudy Seanez, RP: Foreman of the United Journeyman's Society. Has pitched for so many teams that he gets to list his Agent as a pimp. For tax purposes.

Gary Sheffield, DH: Hornery. That second "r" is soooooo important.

Matt Stairs, OF: Last postseason's "Workingman Human Interest Piece Of Choice." Debuted in 1992, the same year as John Sencio.

Age 42

Luis Gonzalez, OF: Like most of these old dudes, currently a free agent. Father of triplets. Clearly the steroid allegations were misguided and he should have been tested for fertility drugs. Hates Norwegians.

Tom Gordon, RP: Likes to drive entire family to Six Flags, drive into the parking lot then turn around and drive out saying "Ha! I was never going to take you there." Then continues laughing.

Trevor Hoffman, RP: Thinks hooded sweatshirts are just that. For hoods.

John Smoltz, SP: Was made for loving you. Wants to give it all to you. In the darkness.

Omar Vizquel, SS:

Wants to see it in your eyes. Feel the magic. Girl you were made for him.

Age 43

Moises Alou, OF: You know someone's gonna sign this guy and we're all gonna get to use those handpissing jokes for another year. You just know it. Thank god, that's a huge part of our material. BECAUSE WE'RE HACKS.

Tom Glavine, SP: Played with a quiet intensity by Ron Howard since 1988.

Curt Schilling, SP: Pretty much the human embodiment of talk radio. I love him because I have to. May pitch this year if REAL AMERICANS have anything to say about it.

Mike Timlin, RP: See above. Except for the talk radio thing. Timlin's kind of a mute.

Tim Wakefield, SP: Played with a quiet intensity by Clint Howard since 1991.

Even Older Than Those Guys

Orlando Hernandez, SP: Most say his career is over but he already has a rubber arm. So what if he needs a year to rehab? He'll be back. Called me at 2AM to say "If you see one film this year, make it HOTEL FOR DOGS."

Barry Bonds, OF: Should play. I wrote it like 8 times on two different websites last year. Can't jump ship now.

Randy Johnson, SP: Signed by the Giants. Should have no trouble finding a good hairstylist this time around.

Jamie Moyer, SP: On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood. Not exactly a man of the people, the evil tyrant gave himself such nicknames as the Scourge of Carpathia and the Sorrow of Moldavia, and was also known to his people as Jamie the Cruel, Jamie the Torturer, Jamie the Despised, and Jamie the Unholy (and, according to Peter Venkman, he was also Jamie the Butch). In 1610 his people rebelled against him, and decided that his death should equal his cruelty. Jamie was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, and finally drawn and quartered. Before he finally died, his severed head uttered his last words: "Death is a but a door, time is but a window. I'll be back!"

And in 1989, he did come back. His spirit possessed a portrait he had painted of himself which was on display at the Manhattan Museum of Art. His plan was to draw strength from an underground river of slime generated by the negative emotions of the people living in New York, then possess the body of a child on New Year's Eve so that he could live again. Using his dark magic, he brainwashed the museum's curator, Janosz Poha, instructing him to find an infant. Janosz picked Oscar, the baby of his employee Dana Barrett, and eventually kidnapped him. Jamie would eventually be thwarted by the Ghostbusters, who researched his background and deduced his connection to the river of slime.

On New Year's Eve, Jamie had gathered enough strength to actually exit the painting and attempt to take over Oscar's body, but the evil spirit was weakened by the singing of crowds outside the museum who were celebrating the birth of the new year. Jamie retreated back into the painting, transforming into a hideous monster, and briefly took over the body of Ray Stantz. The other Ghostbusters then covered Ray with positively-charged slime, blasting Jamie back into the painting again. Jamie's ghost was then dispelled forever when the painting itself was doused in the slime.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born after 1985:

Players born in 1986

Felix Hernandez, SP: Has already passed the point where people ask "Felix Hernandez has been pitching for this long and he's still that young?" and arrived at the point where people say, "Wow, Felix Hernandez has been pitching for this long and he still hasn't won 15 games?"

Phil Hughes, SP: When asked by Ian Kennedy if he wanted to go see Okkervil River, exclaimed "Sure!" and hurried home to put on his fishing pants and pick up his reel.

Billy Butler, 1B/DH: Wanted to grow up and became a famous blues guitarist but gave up quickly when told he had "child's hands that could never wrap around the neck of the guitar". Bo Diddley is a cruel teacher.

Homer Bailey, SP: In 2008, Homer Bailey released a charity wine called "Homer Bailey's Chardonnay" with 100% of his proceeds supporting Outdoors Without Limits, an organization committed to help reduce the barriers that prevent disabled people from enjoying the great outdoors. Ferreals. But it was way too oakey so I spit it back in his face.

Yovani Gallardo, SP: Not unlike a Depression-era child whose parents pass on and is forced to raise his younger siblings, Gallardo will be asked to carry a Brewers team that has seen the departure of CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets. In this scenario, Jeff Suppan is the wacky older uncle.

Jair Jurrjens, SP: Threw a tantrum on Christmas 1999 when he didn't get any LEGOs from Santa Claus. His parents felt that thirteen was too old to be playing with "silly plastic bricks". Today, Jurrjens can buy his own damn LEGO.

Johnny Cueto, SP: Throws the speedball by 'em, makes 'em look like a fool. But also gives up too many tater tots and has wildly massive pitch counts that makes it hard to get out of the fifth inning alive. Has spent the off-season raising ferrets for disabled dogs to have as pets.

Nick Adenhart, SP: Contrary to popular notion, this right-handed pitching prospect does not spend eight-to-ten hours a day playing Gears of War on Xbox 360, despite the constant presence of someone with the online ID of "nickadenhartstudpitcherforthelosangelesangelsofanaheim". That is an impostor. (hint: totally Chone Figgins)

Reid Brignac, SS: Went hitless in ten July at-bats for the Rays last year, replacing the injured Jason Bartlett for a short stretch. Some blame Reid's poor play for the Tampa media naming Bartlett the team MVP. And by 'some' I mean 'Rob Iracane'.

Chris Volstad, SP: Still argues that The Lion in Winter deserved the Oscar over Oliver! despite the fact that the award was given over 40 years ago and well before Volstad was born. He's also never seen either film, but really liked the lion in Narnia.

Pablo Sandoval, 1B/3B: Should get the chance to win a job out of spring training with the Giants. First base, third base, catcher, radio color commentary guy, Pablo will take what he can get. Hit ten doubles in just 145 at-bats last year.

Jon Niese, SP: Spent the winter helping his brother Eric build poorly-designed wooden shanties along the Jersey Shore for needy guidos. Look for them on the new TLC show "Dago Knows Best".

Matt Tuiasosopo, 3B: Born in Bellevue, WA and plays for the Mariners organization now. He practically bleeds wild salmon and pinot noir. Is the son of former NFL'er Manu Tuiasosopo which proves that as the generations of families progress, folks get smarter and choose better sports.

Matt Wieters, C: Finallly, some good news for Orioles fans who are used to bad news! Wieters is the #1 prospect in the world, a can't miss, power-hitting catcher with a heart made of gold and feet made of magic. He'll probably make his debut in late April and be traded by Peter Angelos in August for $5 million in cash and a pizza to be named later.

Colby Rasmus, CF: Has an actual fan page dedicated to his supreme awesomeness. Don't get too excited, Colby. There are web-pages devoted to all kinds of crazy crap on the Internet.

Franklin Morales, SP: Loves that Gary Jules version of "Mad World" that they played over that video game commercial a couple years back until he found out the original was done by Tears for Fears. Really hates British New Wave bands. Really.

Andrew McCutchen, CF: There is not enough room in PNC Park's center field for both Andrew McCutchen and Nate McLouth. Move over, McLouth. McCutchen is Sizz'lean.

Players born in 1987

Justin Upton, RF: Favorite berry is the boysenberry although he's never actually tasted one. Just really likes saying "boysenberry" over and over again, much to the chagrin of the Diamondbacks clubhouse. Kids these days, with their wacky words!

Cameron Maybin, CF: Had a streak of 10 plate appearances in which the end result had him reaching base safely. That's a Marlins record, folks! Is super-scintillating-stoked about the new Marlins ballpark that he considers to be modern architecture at its best.

Jay Bruce, RF: Believes in heaven, hell, and purgatory but will sit you down and argue with you for hours on end if you claim there's such a thing as "Belgium".

Conor Gillaspie, 3B: Was drafted just last year and already saw some hot major league action in September, but it was with the Giants. That's like showing up your first day of college and being asked to teach Philosophy 101 because hey, it's only philosophy and it's just made up anyway.

Players born in 1988

Clayton Kershaw, RP: Had a breakthrough hit in 1984 with the song "Wouldn't It Be Good". Is totally hated by Franklin Morales.

Travis Snider, LF: The slugger of the future in Toronto or just the second coming of Matt Stairs? You decide. Well not really, that's not how baseball works. Travis once ate an entire suckling pig, head-to-toe, bones and all.

Elvis Andrus, SS: Third most popular Elvis in the state of Texas after Fat Elvis and this lunatic.

Fernando Martinez, SP: Will probably serve himself well to get a year in Triple A Buffalo, but with the Mets troubled rotation after the #1 Johan Santana, you never know when the kid might get an August call-up to keep New York in the race for third place. (edit: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS PERSON IS)

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, Lloyd and Kris collaborate to look at players in the prime of life, born in 1983:

Edwin Jackson, SP: Born in Germany. Calls German Chocolate Cake "that dope ass cake I used to eat with the coconut back home all the time." Pitching career about to implode in Detroit.

Miguel Cabrera, 3B: Huge numbers, huge appetite, little tolerance for caffeine. Bounces off the walls like a goddamned firecracker after a half a can of Pepsi. Once hit a ball through a guy.

Edgar Gonzalez, RP:: Still enjoys getting a good piece of mail now and then. The letter is a lost art, ya know?

Chad Gaudin, RP: Can pitch in any situation... start, relief, closing. Not well. But he can do it.

Jose Reyes, SS: 6 tool player. Extra tool is allen wrench.

Jose Lopez, 2B: Had the best season of his career last year. Is having the next season of his career this year. Take that to the bank. And put it in a high yield CD.

Brandon League, RP: Family has the wicked easy time coming up with reunion themes. I bet you can think of 5 plays on the word "League" right now.

Gavin Floyd, SP: Drinks cologne.

Casey Kotchman, 1B: Only pickup line: "Casey Kotchman is a crotchman!" Didn't adjust so well to Atlanta. Hates peaches.

Joe Mauer, C: Unassuming star of stage, screen and backstop. Passed Prince as most popular guy in Minnesota 3 years ago and has never looked back.

Zack Greinke, SP: As crazy as he is talented, which is to say he's batshit insane. Which is also to say he's good at pitching. BONILLA projects him for 200 Ks and 6 good cries.

Matt Capps, RP: One of the NL's most effective relievers. One of it's worst xylophone players. He licks the keys and uses the mallet to test his knee reflexes.

J.P. Howell, RP: Failed in 3 seasons of limited action as a starter. Has excelled in the smaller role of set up man. This is the only thing he has in common with Charlie Sheen, negligible as a film star but surprisingly great on CBS sitcom, "Two & A Half Men."

Dana Eveland, SP: Middle name: Nosferatu. Describes genitals as "long, strong and full of boysenberry syrup."

Justin Verlander, SP: Former RoY had a tough 2008. Not as tough as Roy Scheider, but still no fun. We tell a lot of Roy jokes on this website. I need to diversify my portfolio.

Brandon McCarthy, SP Like your old roommate who spent 7 consecutive semesters saying that was the one where he'd graduate, this is finally supposed to be the year McCarthy stays healthy and produces. Likes to talk smack on message boards. Very unlikable. Or am I just saying that so he'll comment on this story?

Huston Street, RP: Possibly as crazy as Zack Grienke is talented.

Zach Duke, SP Gadzooks.

Kyle Davies, SP: Without a doubt, the lamest member of the Kinks, but the best athlete.

Cla Meredith, RP: Prett goo relieve who cam back t eart somewha afte tw stella season.

Ronny Cedeno, UTIL: Career OPS+ of 62. Stays in majors with uncanny hugging prowess.

Francisco Liriano, SP: 2009 AL Cy Young Award Winner. If that happens everyone has to buy Bobby Bonilla a Snickers. And us a car.

Edwin Encarnacion, 3B: "Edwin Encarnacion Instant Breakfast" is milk poured into his own hand and lapped out like a kitten.

Willy Aybar, UTIL:I believe the term for Willie Aybar's head is "nubby." The spanish Guy Fieri.

Edinson Volquez, SP: A 2008 Cy Young Candidate, was so good last season that Jon Daniels couldn't even call the Josh Hamilton trade a great success. Man the Rangers are lousy.

Ervin "Magic Carlos" Santana, SP:: Had career year in 2008, making up for the loss of Kelvim Escobar. Got violent diarrhea at my Bar Mitzvah even though he wasn't there and I'm not Jewish.

Hanley Ramirez, SS: Best all around player in baseball as long as you don't think fielding is part of baseball. For those of you who don't "habla espanol" El Nino is Spanish for... THE NINO.

Andy Marte, 3B: In light of being a weak-hitting infielder and a grown man named Andy, vows to keep the childish moniker until his age equals his career OPS+. Is far closer to Andres than any professional ballplayer should be.

Craig Hansen, RP: Mid season trade to the Pirates followed its natural progression: offseason pirating in the Gulf of Aden. Scored wicked cheap plasmas for his place on the Allegheny and his place in Outer Mogadishu.

Geovany Soto, C: Working closely with President Obama and Puerto Rican Governor Luis Fortuño to prevent an imbalance of catcher-based trade from the island to the mainland, in the interest of increased sovereignty and good will. Thinks Carlos Delgado is a total Commie.

Adam Lind, LF: The proud owner of the worst tattoo in baseball is proof you don't believe what happens in September or April. Carries the burden of Lloyd the Barber's hopes and dreams with him to the plate every AB.

Fausto Carmona, SP: Induces groundballs in the summer and child births in the winter. He's a trained and accredited midwife!

Cole Hamels, SP: Married a former Playmate yet still feels like, somehow, he's settling. Received a huge raise but remains underpaid.

Alberto Callaspo, 2B: Sweet like molasses.

Chris Young, CF: Unfortunately looks like the kind of player that will carry the "potential" tag forever. On the plus side, has a Magic Bullet in every room of his house.

Carlos Villanueva, SP: Envious of all the Manny Parra love around here, launches a Spanish language site on baseball and la condición humana. Initial surge of traffic quickly subsides when he replaces Lobster Baby with pictures of displaced Kurdish orphans.

Travis Ishikawa, 1B: Disappointing numbers at the big league level can be easily explained away: it wasn't actually Ishiwawa last year, but a heavily disguised Nathan Fillion researching a role.

Glen Perkins, SP: Considering skipping 2009 altogether, rather than face the inevitable crash back to Earth at speed.

Matt Garza, SP: The Gila Monster is the Rays pitcher most likely to match his 2008 output, mostly out of spite.

Stephen Drew, SS: Florida State Seminole hoodwinked somebody into shooting him a MVP vote. Anchors the worst defensive infield in baseball with pride.

Russell Martin, C: Unlike most Canadians that move to LA to pursue their dreams, Martin only has to worry about getting the late-afternoon sun in his eyes.

Dustin Pedroia, 2B: If he wins the MVP again, I'll buy you an autographed Steve Nash jersey.

Howie Kendrick, 2B: Called in three separate frog rain hoaxes during the 2008 season. Deathly afraid of the word tarpaulin.

Nick Markakis, RF: Awesome, Greek, and rich; just like his hero John Stamos.

Travis Buck, RF: Even the most modest projections point towards a down year for run production and follicle cultivation.

Hunter Pence, RF: Big & tools-ey, just how Ed Wade feels an ocean of guilt about likin 'em.

Andy LaRoche, 3b: Isn't nearly as good as his older brother nor is he as good as the Pirates thought when the traded for him. Heads up the clubhouse World of Warcraft guild, which keeps him in Nate McLouth's good books.

Mark Reynolds, 3B: The only Major League Baseball player to register 200 strikeouts in a single season. String of STIs proves overcompensation has a price.

Ryan Braun, LF: Is so fucking mad that Liakos got Ervin Santana to come to his Bar Mitzvah. Equally disappointed to learn CTC isn't really Jewish so he didn't have to memorize the Aliyah.

Andy Sonnanstine, SP: Somehow missed enough bats for a WHIP under 1.30 and a FIP under 4.00. Teammates are tired him repeatedly calling their wives "Topanga."

Kurt Suzuki, C: Won some Gilded Leather in 2008 and hit a bunch of clutch home runs. Working with Alan Moore on his first graphic novel Fighting Crime with Bazooki and the F-Hammer.

Ryan Rowland-Smith, SP: Left handed Australian begoggled baseball playing blogger. Offers hope that your little brother could be the backup full back for the Adelaide Crows.

Jacoby Ellsbury, OF: Skilled enough to ensure 2009 is the year that his achievements catch up to his fame.

Garrett Olson, SP: On the move again, this time to the Northwest. Has tremendous potential, based on the way he flew through the minors. Mostly because of his father's early flying carpet patent, but also his irrational fear of bus travel.

Brandon Moss, OF: The Pirates have so many multi-purpose outfielders, one of them is bound to make a splash this year. Brandon Moss hopes it's him, as he has incredible debts from an organ-harvesting business deal gone wrong.

Radhames Liz, SP: Baseball Reference page sponsored by fearshop.com, home to your favorite horror movie t shirts. Their latest and most terrifying shirt features Liz's WHIP in huge type.

Steven Pearce, RF: Sent me an e-card yesterday, stating he understood how hard it must be to come up with something interesting to say about Steven Pearce. He's a real prick, it turns out.

Joey Votto, 1B: Plans on leading the parade down Bloor Street after leading Canada to shock WBC title. Or just heading down Bloor in search of some solid Korean BBQ.

Jeff Clement, C: Many hopes and even a few dreams are pinned on Clement becoming the non-Japanese catcher of the future in Seattle. Spends his time away from the park looking at pictures of commenter Chief Wahoo's dog.

Lance Broadway, RP: Big part of the White Sox new policy to only employ 26 year old pitchers.

Luke Hochevar, SP: Promising member of the Royals promising rotation. Promised his mom he wouldn't mosh anymore after injuring himself at a Promise Ring/The Promise show in Denver.

Charlie Morton, SP: Swears up and down that Gary Cherone-era Van Halen is "the best shit they ever did." Loves recent Weezer as well.

Brett Gardner, CF: Scrappy little fourth outfielder for the Yankees, meaning his BR page gets more daily views than Jake Peavy and Ben Sheets combined.

Wes Bankston, 1B: Complied a wonderful 7.5 : 1 K to BB rate in limited time in 2008. Despite good power numbers in the minors, Billy Beane is expected to execute him at sundown on Opening Day.

Taylor Teagarden, C: The newest member of the Rangers Catching & Consonant Appreciation Society is everyone's sexy pick for ROY and ZOMG! awards in 2009. Punched out James Lipton on principal alone.

Clayton Richard, SP: Winning a starting job out of Spring Training will go a long way to moving up form the kid's table at the annual Former Michigan Backup Quarterbacks luncheon.

Chris Getz, 2B: With only 7 Major League plate appearances to his name, it may be time for Chris to follow his Uncle Leo into the lucrative world of ethnic comic relief.

Fernando Perez, OF: Figures to be the odd man out in Tampa's outfield and clubhouse chapel. Keeps getting mysterious love notes and gifts from a certain "Rob I" from New Jersey.

George Kottaras, C: Coaches spent his first few years in the minors trying to undo the numerous bad habits gained during a lifetime of baseball in Canada. The most egregious was telling people he was the Sox new "backcatcher."

Humberto Sanchez, RP: Will regret both his poor conditioning and lack of accuracy when Gary Sheffield comes to extract revenge on Sanchez for his role in Sheff's trade to Detroit.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1976:

Michael Barrett, C: Has his arsenal of haymakers and left hooks stowed away under his passport as he crosses the northern border to join up with the Blue Jays organization for aught-nine. This will be his twelfth season without a playoff appearance. One day he will be on the Hall of Fame ballot.

Lance Berkman, 1B: Has received dozens upon dozens of MVP votes in the last seven seasons but is resigned to be just the second (third?!?) best first baseman in his own division. Fat Elvis hates the nickname Fat Elvis.

Pat Burrell, DH: As a Ray, disappointingly will lose his bevy of annual games versus the Mets, hurting his chances to improve on his 41 career tots versus the Flushing franchise. Will still find a way to torture Billy Wagner, probably with lawn darts.

Eric Byrnes, LF: Completes the typical Rob Dibble exacta of being a shitty banged-up ballplayer and a shitty broadcaster. Will spend 2009 rehabbing injuries he hasn't had yet and quilting a patch for the AIDS quilt.

Scott Downs, RP: Has a very famous syndrome named after him. Yes, it's true: Scott Syndrome, or the inability of people named Scott to not be total toolbags, is named after Scott Downs.

Brandon Duckworth, RP Q: What's a Brandon Duckworth? A: To Dayton Moore, about $600,000. HACK JOKE ALERT

Kyle Farnsworth, RP: Q: What's a Kyle Farnsworth? A: To Dayton Moore, about $9,250,000. Seriously, Royals, what's up with you employing relievers whose last names end with -worth?

Josh Fogg, SP: Usually sings along to the National Anthem but feels, deep in his heart, that the National Anthem should be "Johnny Angel" by Shelley Fabares.

Ryan Freel, CF: Thinks and says crazy things and refuses to put his money where his mouth is. Actually invented the voice in his head prior to an on-field collision with Norris Hopper in 2007.

Eric Gagne, RP: Needed a mental break in 2008 after giving up too many tater tots before ceding his job to the sausage man. Is still a free agent, Omar Minaya!

Troy Glaus, 3B: Snickers every time he hears the phrases "pitchers mound" or "batters box" because really, to Troy Glaus, everything is about female anatomy. Just had shoulder surgery, so don't pencil him in your Opening Day lineup, LaRussa.

Ross Gload, 1B: Is the single most successful Gload to emerge from the Gload family of Brooklyn, New York, even taking into consideration Ross' older sister Suzette, who you may know by her stage name, Donna Summer.

Jason Grilli, RP: Perhaps the single most effective reliever in the Tigers organization last year, which fully explains why they traded him to the Rockies. Broke Charles Nagy's Big East record for most strikeouts in a game with 18 while at Seton Hall back in '97. Is my guinea dago paisan.

Vlad Guerrero, RF: Like the process or not, he's received MVP votes every year of his career since his rookie campaign in 1997. Is so toolsy he might as well be named Scott.

Jose Guillen, CF: Is a dick.

Jerry Hairston, LF: Brother of Scott Hairston, Son of Jerry Hairston, Grandson of Sammy Hairston, and Nephew of Johnny Hairston. Was one of the most productive players on the Reds last year despite playing just 80 games.

Wes Helms, 3B: From his Wikipedia entry, "Often considered to be in the fraternity of "Country Strong" big league players with the likes of Matt Stairs and Adam Dunn." Translation: when on the road in Detroit, won't leave the hotel after sunset.

Ramon Hernandez, C: Perfectly expendable by the Orioles because of the ascent of Matt Wieters, much to the delight of new manager Dusty Baker, who admires Ramon for his grit and ability to wear a catchers mask while dangling a toothpick from his maw.

Aubrey Huff, DH/3B: Once referred to Baltimore as "a horseshit city" which might offend Baltimoreans but is actually the Gaelic translation of the name. Bael ti Mhoir, meaning "city where horses shit".

Adam Kennedy, 2B: Better than you think, unless you think he's an slightly above-average middle infielder with a good eye and some speed. In that case, you're giving the kid way too much credit. Take off those rose-colored glasses!

Paul Konerko, 1B: Peaked at 30, just like all the statnerds told us he would. Is still good for thirty ding-dongs a year and workmanlike glovework at first base and the weekly bouquet of gladiolas in the ChiSox clubhouse.

Carlos Lee, LF: Nicknamed El Caballo, or the wild horse, and has a fan club in Houston called "Los Caballitos", or the little horse turdlets. Enjoys skiing in his native Panama despite the total lack of snow.

Ted Lilly, SP: Is the kind of guy who promises to help you hang your new flat screen TV and then stops by one day with a drywall saw and a twelve pack and then gets wasted after doing some cutting and you end up playing three hours of Madden on the Xbox and then he leaves and you're stuck with a hole in your wall for three weeks because you're too much of a pansy to hang a 50 pound TV by yourself.

Scott Linebrink, RP: Beat Scott Syndrome at the age of 13 when he discovered Depeche Mode at his local record shop. Gave up after "Songs of Faith and Devotion" in '93.

Jason Michaels, OF: Has now had three teams waiting for him to emerge as a valuable everyday player with the fourth team (Astros) getting ready to figure it out in 2009. Arrested in 2005 for assaulting a Philly cop, a violation that is deemed worthy of a wrist slap since he only got probation.

Carl Pavano, SP: Still using a 1997 Gateway desktop with just 256KB of RAM which still plays a fine game of Minesweeper, thank you very much. Allegedly is getting paid to "start" baseball "games" by the "Cleveland" Indians.

A.J. Pierzynski, C: Despite not growing up in Chicago, his favorite sportswriter growing up was Jerome Holtzman. Lost any remaining shred of self-respect when he got involved in professional wrestling in 2006.

Sidney Ponson, SP: Has had more career DUIs than Cy Young Award votes and has somehow convinced Brian Cashman to sign him on two separate occasions. Will be spending the 2009 season doing odd jobs around Nolan Ryan's ranch house.

J.C. Romero, RP: Given his latest troubles with the illegal supplements he accidentally ingested, J.C. refuses to shop at GNC anymore, preferring to purchase his vitamins and energy boosters at the local twigs-n-berries health food store. When told he was actually taking daily doses of lizard semen, he shrugged his shoulders and ate more lizard semen.

Alfonso Soriano, LF: Geez, Alfonso Soriano is turning 33? Now I really feel old.

Javier Vazquez, SP: Along with Derek Lowe, will be asked to anchor an otherwise inexperienced Braves rotation. Is considering asking Derek to join up with his cousin Tito and form a three-piece salsa band but doubts any of them can play anything but the maracas.

Ramon Vazquez, Util: The absolute definition of a journeyman. No, really, he plays keyboards for the band Journey. Any way Ramon wants it, that's the way he needs it.

Randy Wolf, SP: Still waiting for the inevitable contract offer from Ned Colletti after compiling a super-sexy 12-12 record in 2008 with a 4.30 ERA. Hey, he's a lefty. Those things are rare. The only player in baseball history to have Tommy John surgery on his John Thomas.

Brad Lidge, RP: Is made of magic and hasn't blown a save since the day Fukuda was elected Prime Minister of Japan.

Pedro Feliciano, RP: Has had two three-year stints with the Mets that surrounded his 2006 season spent with the Fukuoka Softbank Hawks. Didn't vote for Fukuda.

Aaron Miles, Util: Is a Cub now because St Louis fans kept confusing him with Adam Kennedy. Almost played for the Greek team in the 2004 Olympics but gave it all up to play pro ball with the Rockies. TYPICAL GREEK BEHAVIOR.

Reed Johnson, OF: Is the all time leader in homers hit by players named "Reed". Is also the only player ever named "Reed". Doesn't hit well enough to be a below-average corner outfielder, but that's your problem, Cubs fans.

Matt Treanor, C: Moving from Florida to Michigan to play for the Tigers has caused strain in his marriage since his volleyball-playing wife hates Michigan. Well, Matt, what did you expect? Everyone hates Michigan.

Kenji Johjima, C: Is the bane of Mariners fans for playing like garbage and getting paid a lot to do it. Is just a big ol' worrywart.

Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 31

| | Comments (8)
bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1978:

Angel Berroa, SS: Played 81 games for the Dodgers last year. Inspired our only LOLcat ripoff. Is currently Yankees' Plan B if aging Derek Jeter gets injured this season. Oops!

Milton Bradley, OF: Entering 10th season, finally earning some of the respect his numbers have deserved in recent years. Credits newfound inner peace to ignoring everyone else on earth except for Dr. Wayne Dyer. No wait, that's me.

Endy Chavez, OF: In the hall of the Mountain King there can only be one Endy. And when Endy Chavez retires from baseball, he will enter the hall of the Mountain King and challenge the Endy that is already living there. Even with the thin air at that altitude he will still never hit home runs.

Joe Crede, 3B: Has a child named King Fazio Lazarus Odie Edith Crede*. Not currently employed but will be a good fit on a team that needs a player who is alive.

Marcus Giles, 2B: In the minors for the Phillies. Just bought a new drafting table so he can draw his own comic books to save money during the recession.

Cristian Guzman, 2B: Even after 3 years with Washington, Guzman still thinks he plays for the Twins and "has never been happier to be part of this Minnesota organization." Racked up almost 200 hits last year for first time in career.

Willie Harris, UTIL: Can play almost any position on a diamond. Notable for having a monkier so anachronistic he may as well be named Cap Anson or Mordecai Brown.

Jason Jennings, SP: Pitched in 6 games last season for Rangers. Gave up 26 runs. Then his legs fell off or something. I don't care how good the minor league system is, no MLB team should ever have a legacy of pitching as terrible as Texas.

Nick Johnson, 1B: Has spent far too much of his career laid up with real injuries, like broken legs. Mentioned in trade rumors with the A's recently. Warmer weather is good for brittle bones. Afraid of Koala Bears and words that start with P.

Kyle Lohse, SP: For just $18.95 Kyle Lohse will clean and detail your entire vehicle. But if you want him to be a mediocre pitcher for your baseball team it's gonna be a couple million.

Jason Marquis, P: Turned 17 and swore to never speak a word again but then someone came along and ruined everything. It was a strange time in his life. Listens to a lot of Jens Lekman. Pitches in Colorado now. Developing a taste for microbrews, brah.

Gil Meche, SP: Makes a whole crapload of money to pitch ok. Man... that seems to be a recurring theme on this list. Dreams in French.

Xavier Nady, OF: If you believe the rumors, Nady may not make it through the season a Yankee. After coming over at last season's deadline, he'll be a short tenured Yankee. Which is different from a short Yankee, like Chuck Knoblauch, Phil Rizzuto or Thomas Paine. Loves telling people "I spent 2 years in Pittsburgh one year."

Carlos Pena, DH: The former Northeastern Huskie looked to be finished as a full-time Major Leaguer after the 2004 season, but had a miraculous comeback with the Rays in 07, turning himself one of the home run hittingest players in the AL. This is not the only thing he has in common with Meat Loaf circa Bat Out Of Hell 2: Back Into Hell.

Brad Penny, SP: Listed as 6'4, 200 Lbs, it's fair to say that Brad has put on some weight in the past couple of seasons. Trying to have a bounce back year with the Red Sox. Hoping Dibs don't become a banned substance.

Joel Pineiro, SP: Holy crap it's true. Almost every pitcher I ever make fun of is going to be 31 this year. Is Westbrook on this list? Joel Pineiro thinks that dress makes you look fat. Drives a Canyonero.

Aramis Ramirez, 3B: Signed with the Pirates when he was 16, blossomed in Chicago. By that I mean he became a woman. Has hit 25+ HR every season since 2003. BONILLA projects him to be a little scared of Milton Bradley for the entire 2009 season.

Tim Redding, SP: Thinks ghosts are made out of hummus.

Juan Rivera, UTIL: Played 6 positions in 2009, making him as versatile as his name. Seriously, name one profession you couldn't see a guy named Juan Rivera being successful in? Pediatrician, dump truck driver, Archeriest (aka: arrow shooter). A Juan Rivera can do anything.

Jimmy Rollins, SS: Had a mercurial 2009 season. Spent much of first half being booed, I guess as a reward for his 2007 MVP award. Spent some time hurt, then returned as smiling face of a World Series Champion team. This year plans not having "Such a weird goddamned year." Favorite film: Back To The Future 3.

Ben Sheets, SP: Still a free agent. Teams may be suspicious of a throwing arm that has burst into flames 6 times in the past 4 years. Favorite word: "fjord."

Vernon Wells, CF: If Vernon Wells' past two seasons were a school lunch they'd be "crayons". When cornered, will levitate.

Dewayne Wise, OF: Remember that time when you were little and you were driving down the highway with your parents and that guy was in the car next to you and he looked like he was yelling even though he was in the car alone and then he started crying and then he started laughing with tears streaming down his face and you were trying to figure out what the hell was going on in that car, searching the backseat to see if someone was in the backseat or something and you were gonna tell your dad and then the guy just floored it, and pulled away? Remember that? That was Dewayne Wise.

Barry Zito, SP: Had a career low ERA+ of 85 last season. Has come to the point where I feel bad making fun of him. That puts him in very rare company on this website. Just to get some attention, BONILLA is predicting him to have a return to form and contend for the Cy Young in 2009.

Miguel Olivo, C:: Went to court to force Lee Iacocca to add the extra "i" in Olivio. Is as baffled as the rest of us as to why Lee Iacocca invented a butter substitute.

Victor Martinez, DH: Moving to first base for 2009. Is constantly misusing the word "ostensibly."

Cliff Lee, SP: Middle name: Phifer. So he's not just a member of the Tribe but also Tribe Called Quest. Has biggest act to follow of any player in 2009.

John Lackey, SP: Wimp.

Aaron Harang, SP: Underrated K pitcher, who should have taken out an insurance policy on his arm the day the Reds hired Dusty Baker. Drives a 1996 Aquamarine Ford Escort Wagon.

Chone Figgins, 3B: Seems to have settled on a position at roughly the same time all his tendons are beginning to snap and pop. Favorite part of being a baseball player: Clean hotel sheets every night!

Ryan Ludwick, OF: Hit 37 HR last year in just his second full season. Projected to hit 109 this year. Uncle, Boobie Ludwick, owned first microwave in Fresno, CA.

Kevin Gregg, RP: Thinks that song "Get Down On It" is about proper fielding technique.

Eric Bruntlett, UTIL: Gruff exterior, nougat center. Socially conservative, fiscally liberal.

Aaron Heilman, RP: Rock solid anchor of historically great Mets bullpen. Hides behind Gatorade cooler at the top of every 6th inning.

Chase Utley, 2B: Plunkable and breakable. Best all around middle infielder in baseball. Holds 16 patents. Gonna take April off. Afraid of no ghost. 10 feet tall. Below average dancer.

Jason Bay, LF: BRING BACK THE SONG.

Greg Dobbs, UTIL: Derives magical baseball powers from Little Debbie's Star Crunch.

Ryan Church, OF: Had so many concussions last season he can smell colors. When healthy he has much pop in bat. Had so many concussions last season he can smell colors.

Jorge Campillo, SP: Still isn't sure if he's supposed to eat the chicken inside of the waffle like a taco, or if the waffle is simply a side dish.

*Please refrain from making unconstructive edits to Wikipedia, as you did to Joe Crede. Your edits appear to constitute vandalism and have been reverted. If you would like to experiment, please use the sandbox. Thank you. JustSomeRandomGuy32 (talk) 20:01, 26 January 2009 (UTC)

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1977:

Bronson Arroyo, SP: Brandon has thrown over 10,500 pitches over the past three season and will probably add another 1,500 next year before his arm falls off due to overwork-by-proxy.

Grant Balfour, RP: Living up to his last name, Grant has thrown ball four 5 times for every nine innings in his career. Should regress to the mean along with the rest of the Rays pen in 09.

Joe Beimel, RP: As of this writing, he's still a free agent. If he gets no offers by February 1st, he will be interning at Troy from WV's cracker factory.

Carlos Beltran, CF: Probably the most underrated player in the New York metropolitan area, which really means that he's overrated in the grand scheme of things. Threw out his first baserunner as a toddler.

A.J. Burnett, SP: Famously tugged his left earlobe to the TV cameras after his first career no-hitter in 2001 which some mistook for a secret signal to his mom watching at home. Actually was his way of telling the concierge at the San Diego Ritz Carlton to stock his room with extra Milky Ways.

Buddy Carlyle, RP: Has proven without a shadow of a doubt that there are always odd jobs in the greater Atlanta area for folks named Buddy. Will spend most of spring training learning to play the vibraphone.

Shawn Chacon, SP: Not exactly employable since he choked out Astros GM Ed Wade last season but could make some dough selling "I Choked Ed Wade" t-shirts in South Philly.

Eric Chavez, 3B: Middle name is Cesar. Spent most of 2008 as a creampuff. Peaked at age 23. I cannot objectively talk about Eric Chavez, because I am Eric Chavez and Eric Chavez is me.

Ryan Dempster, SP: Will never really be a true Cub because he is Canadian. Has had a career that is more up-and-down than a bipolar teenager.

Justin Duchscherer, SP: One of three members of the 2008 Oakland A's born in South Dakota. Spent most of the year chatting with Keith Foulke and Mark Ellis about the best place to find the best chili dogs in Sioux Falls.

Chad Durbin, RP: Spends his offseason in Baton Rouge, LA where he stocks his three bathrooms with Charmin toilet paper, and not that Cottonelle garbage his in-laws prefer. Is really a good right handed reliever, no questions asked.

Adam Eaton, SP: The poster boy for bloated contracts of the mid-aughts, Eaton signed a three-year, $24 million contract in November 2006 despite amassing a 5.12 ERA in just 13 starts the prior year. Rewarded the Phillies by giving up 30 tater tots in 2007 and 'accidentally' running over the Phanatic's foot with his '89 Chevy Caprice.

Adam Everett, SS: Dresses like a boob. Cannot safely operate a pepper grinder. Was forced to be contemplative.

Rafael Furcal, SS: Decided he likes Los Angeles better than returning to his roots in Atlanta, and can you blame him? Ever try getting a good dulce du leche in Marietta?

Roy Halladay, SP: Everybody's favorite pitcher because he's gritty, talented, and poses no real threat to your favorite team in the playoffs as a Blue Jay. Easily one of the top 25 pitchers of the past 25 years (i.e. the length of my baseball fandom) and will always be a member of my fantasy teams (if available).

Andruw Jones, CF: Will be paid about $4 million per year to not play for the Dodgers until at least 2014. Hey Ned Colletti, pay me $250,000 a year or I swear to God I will put on a cap and a glove and I will play the shit out of shortstop for your team next season. Likes plantains.

Mark Mulder, SP: 'Starting pitcher' is a bit of a misnomer as he's only started four games in the past two years for the Cardinals. Peaked at age 23 and is now a free agent. I smell a reclamation project, Billy Beane!

Will Ohman, RP: Was born in Frankfurt, Germany, presumably on an American military base of some sort. Still looking for work despite being a perfectly serviceable left-handed relief pitcher. Prefers a medium well hamburger with pickles, tomato and mustard.

Roy Oswalt, SP: Stuck inside of Houston with the Ed Wade Blues again. May have been one of the best, if not the best, NL pitcher from 2001 to 2006 and is now just living out the decline of his career on a terrible Astros team.

Lyle Overbay, 1B: Lyle, the effeminate heterosexual, got kicked out of Milwaukee when Prince Fielder broke into the big time and now makes hay in the Great White North of Toronto. He'll have another workmanlike year with 15 homers and 60 gutsy walks and a charming smile.

Juan Pierre, OF: Juan had an off year in 2008. Not that his production was down, he literally got a lot of time off from a decent Dodgers team who discovered they have Actual Productive Outfielders who don't cost $8 million a year. He's like Corey Patterson with money.

Nick Punto, SS: Slugged just .382 in 2008 which was actually a 100 point improvement over his miserable .271 rate in 2007. Let's just put it this way: Prince Fielder's left nut has greater isolated power than twenty Nick Puntos. But hey, only 8 errors in 60 games at shortstop!

Dennys Reyes, RP: The ultimate Mexican LOOGY, which in Spanish would be pronounced "YOU-ghee". Was once an alternate for a taping of "Jeopardy" but didn't make the show.

Brian Roberts, 2B: Has been the subject of so many trade rumours involving the Cubs that if the trade is ever consummated, my reaction will be a solid 'meh'. Lived with noted steroid users Larry Bigbie and David Segui in late 2001. Might collect 500 career doubles if he continues to play in Camden Yards.

Aaron Rowand, CF: Has broken more bones in eight seasons of major league baseball than Carter has liver pills, but that only makes him gutsy and gritty and willing to run face-first into the outfield wall to snag a fly ball. Raises labradoodles in the offseason.

Kip Wells, SP: Peaked as a Pittsburgh Pirate pitcher prior to profitable payments picked up post-Pirate profession. Pfft.

Jake Westbrook, SP: Kris Liakos' favorite pitcher, Jake will probably miss the entire 2009 season recovering from Tommy John surgery. Despite having a new ligament transferred to his elbow, he'll continue to be a drag on society.

Dan Wheeler, RP: Returned to his original Rays team just in time to help them win the American League. Well, he had a 6.00 ERA in the postseason so perhaps I am using the term 'help' loosely. Still, saved 13 games after Troy Percival went down. Secretly enjoys NPR.

Kerry Wood, RP: Gives way too much credit to Thomas Jefferson for the whole Western Expansion thing when he knows deep down in his soul that James K. Polk made great strides getting land back from Mexico and securing the Oregon Territory. Will be bringing down the Indians organization from the inside.

Nate Robertson, SP: Demoted to the bullpen in August 2008 as part of manager Jim Leyland's mass reorganization plan that mimicked tossing deck chairs from the sinking Titanic. In that analogy, Gary Sheffield is the iceberg.

Orlando Hudson, 2B: Still a free agent, people! He's an above average hitter and (depending how you look at it) a decent fielder despite ending 2008 with an ouchie on his wrist. Has 2,500,000 frequent flier miles with Delta he doesn't know what to do with.

Travis Hafner, DH: Being the all-time leader for tater tots among MLBers born in North Dakota isn't going to put oatmeal on the family dining table when you're not getting it done at home plate. He's signed through 2011 so y'all Indians fans can sit back and enjoy.

Eric Hinske, Util: Has been run out of Toronto, Boston, and Tampa Bay in three consecutive seasons. Will probably sign with Baltimore this year and complete the AL East Yankee antagonist Yahtzee.

Fernando Rodney, RP: Picked up baseball in his native Dominican Republic after failing miserably as an underwear model. Allowed 30 walks in 40 innings last year.

Mark Ellis, 2B: Once hit for the cycle and was then rewarded by A's owner Lew Wolff with a custom gold-plated bicycle that he hocked for a $50 IHOP gift card. Now has an $11 million contract which will let him buy all the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity's he can eat.

Marcus Thames, LF: The only player in Major League history to hit a home run off Randy Johnson in his first career at-bat and then be traded for Ruben Sierra. Would probably be a DH if he hit better.

Ty Wigginton, 3B: Could form a decent infield with fellow free agents Orlando Hudson, Orlando Cabrera, and Nomar Garciaparra. They could go barnstorming through Wyoming as the Fightin' Free Agents and woo young ladies with their ardent fervor.

J.J. Putz, RP: Reportedly not very happy being a setup man for the Mets. Too much risk and very little reward. Well, except for the $5 million he'll make earning those sexy holds! Woo, holds!

George Sherrill, RP: Didn't earn his first major league save until age 29 at which point he decided it would be really cool to wear his cap with a flat brim. Sometimes rests his crab chowder on the brim.

Scott Proctor, RP: Will be relieving for the Marlins in 2009. When told of this news, his right arm reportedly did a happy jig and expressed its pleasure at finally being separated from Evil Joe Torre. Should be perfectly serviceable.

Kosuke Fukudome, RF: Fell out of favor with manager Lou Piniella, teammates, Cubs fans, announcers, team officials, peanut vendors, local pizzamakers, and pigeons when his .455 OBP at the end of April dropped to .359 at season's end. Will probably win back everyone but the pigeons with a solid 2009. PIGEONS NEVER FORGET.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players facing their own terrible mortality as they roll over another decade: those born in 1979.

Rick Ankiel, CF: Slowly making the transition from America's Boyfriend to America's Arbitration Eligible Power Bat Available at the Trading Deadline.

Adrian Beltre, 3B: Spends hours with his sports psychologist each week, trying to live down the indignity of putting together a career season in a contract year.

Mark Buehrle, SP: Keeps his carbon imprint low by working so quickly on the mound. In true baseball player style, celebrates by purchasing this.

Michael Cuddyer, RF: Unabashed Patio Man vows to bounce back after slow 2008. His wife won't let him forgot that he burned two roasts and overcooked a rotisserie chicken.

Jack Cust, OF/DH: Three Outcome Redux. Reaching for the lofty heights of 40 home runs and 200 strike outs. Work out regimen includes lifting large kegs of beer in the morning, drinking them at night.

Adam Dunn, LF: Vehemently denied not enjoying baseball. Current unemployment indicates he's a man with a passion for maximized earnings who merely dabbles in baseball.

Jon Garland, SP: A casualty of the modern era. In previous decades, his ability to pick up cheap wins would have made him a mint. Instead, he turns down cut rate offers of more money than you'll ever see in your lifetime.

Jorge Julio, PR: Pitched for 6 teams over the last three years. Uses GPS to find the ballpark each day but intuition to find the plate. Advice: buy stock in GPS company and sell Jorge Julio baseball cards.

Brandon Lyon, RP: Erstwhile closer returned to Earth after unsustainable 2007. Unsuccessfully spent May 2008 trying to convince Chad Qualls that the Merovingian makes The Matrix Reloaded the most underrated movie of the decade.

Corey Patterson, CF: The road from "can't-miss prospect" to "underwhelming big leaguer" to "punchline eternal" is long, and hard is the way out of baseball.

Juan Rincon, RP: Entire career to date spent in Minnesota with the Twins. Unconsciously hums Prince songs while braiding his long, blond wig on Sundays. Doesn't get Fargo.

Luis Rivas, 2B: Is no longer on speaking terms with fellow Venezuelan and former teammate Juan Rincon. Staunch supporter of Hugo Chavez, refuses to understand Rincon's love of wigs and hatred of Gary Anderson.

Johan Santana, SP: Already dreading the thought of lugging the Mets carcass around all season long. Has 15 autographed pictures of Roy Halladay in his locker.

Juan Uribe, 2B: Signature bat flip and occasionally spectacular defense ensures that sometimes a completely forgettable ball player can sometimes piss you off in new, exciting ways.

Aaron Cook, SP: The least acey ace in baseball. First Rockies pitcher to spend entire career with the team and live to age 30. The team agreed to name the right field wall at Coors Field The Cliffs of Insanity in his honor.

Bill Hall, 3B: Hopes a solid bout of whining will arrest his career free-fall. Thinks Bernie Brewer is a punk that should show him some respect.

Coco Crisp, CF: Brings his brawling ways to the AL Central, plans on cold cocking Joe Mauer for nothing. Will undoubtedly by the most popular Kansas City Royal by the end of their season. Let's go with Memorial Day just to be safe.

Duaner Sanchez, RP: Karma doesn't live here anymore. I hope he uncorks a wild pitch that strikes Tony LaRussa in the skull.

Jeremy Affeldt, RP: Usually serves as the transportation coordinator at the annual LOOGY conference on Monterey Bay. Spends the first 6 innings of each game on the phone trying to locate right hand drive cars in the Greater Carmel area.

Erik Bedard, SP: Single handedly proved not all Canadians are hard working, polite, or rugged.

Carlos Silva, SP: Wanted by Interpol for grand, grand, grand larceny.

Jayson Werth, RF: Faces additional pressure and playing time after signing contract extension. Plans to lean heavily on his superfluous Y for support.

Khalil Greene, SS: Despite last year's struggles, is secretly awesome. Also, secretly Asian!

David DeJesus, CF: Physical embodiment of the well-worn sportswriter cliche solid. Writes John Turturro an angry letter on the first of every month.

Brandon Webb, SP: With a really crappy defense behind him, Webb seeks inner piece through yoga. Two tough losses later, he goes back to Bud Light and questioning Stephen Drew's sexuality.

Clint Barmes, SS/2B: Indiana State Sycamore lost his job to Troy Tulowitzki and his virginity to Toto's Africa. Regrets nothing.

Jose Valverde, RP: Both awesome and crazy, Valverde makes you crazy for his awesome. LOVES JESUS THIIIIIS MUCH <----------------------------------->

Garrett Atkins, 1B/3B: Puts up reasonable, inoffensive numbers while splitting time at the corners. Self loathing and guilt finds him cruising for offensive and disturbing things on seedy street corners.

Gerald Laird, C: Newest Detroit Tiger is excited to catch live arms like Verlander and Bonderman. Less than enthused about repeatedly running to the backstop to collect Dontrelle's assorted offerings.

Ryan Howard, 1B: If you made 1000 people guess his age, exactly zero would guess 30. The same 1000 people think Kelly Kapoor was better off with Darryl.

Chris Young, SP: Extremely tall and pragmatic. Opted to become an severe fly ball pitcher, reasoning that grounders were just too hard to reach. Cartoonish height caused this strategy to backfire.

Jason Bartlett, SS: Received votes for both MVP and Sultan of Brunei. Is equally qualified for these positions.

Josh Willingham, LF: Another member of the Florida Marlins Free Swingin Tater Tot Cheap Labor Dance Pack. Would have signed an extension this off season but for his bumbling agent. His specialty is magicians.

David Bush, SP: Uses high socks and rocky motion to distract from his vector-straight fastball. Isn't fooling anyone.

Gabe Gross, OF: Strict religious upbringing denied him the knowledge of decadent things like chocolate and high rise buildings. Is bound and determined to prove, once and for all, he isn't a big league talent.

Brad Hawpe, RF: Inclusion on American WBC team will expose him to scores of new fans. Not one will pronounce his name properly.

Jeremy Guthrie, SP: Would have a much better record if he pitched for a better team and if he was a better pitcher.

Kevin Youkilis, 1B: Excels at getting on base and provoking rancor. Hopes to cut down strike outs by being more selective at the plate and less pervy around the BC commuter girls.

Adam LaRoche, 1B: Continued childhood tradition of abusing younger brother and teammate Andy. Often mimics Andy's voice, professing his love for Jack Wilson rather than calling for shallow pop ups.

Ryan Theriot, SS: Scrappy. Gritty. White. Vastly overrated. The Riot has all the tools required to become a beloved baseball player the world over.

Ryan Spilborghs, OF: The kind of platoon outfielder only a mother could love and only a management team under his employ would sponsor his BR page.

Clay Hensley, RP: Biggest regret: not following Jars of Clay around the Midwest in a Honda Accord the summer after high school. Being a professional baseball player with 7 figure career earnings offers little solace.

Wandy Rodriguez, SP: Ostracized in the clubhouse for his controversial views on human evolution with regard to dolphins. People got sick of his Chicken of the Sea/Solient Green diatribe after a while.

Carlos Ruiz, C: 4 Home runs, .660 OPS. Aiming high in 2009!

Akinori Iwamura, 2B: Quite enjoys life in Tampa Bay thanks to ample fresh seafood and Catholic school just down the street from his condo.

Rocky Cherry, RP: Is not actually a professional baseball player. Best known for his raucous one man pansexual revue, seen 8 times weekly at The Open Door in Chelsea.

Brad Ziegler, RP: Would be best known for impressive rookie scoreless innings record were anyone impressed by a 29 year old rookie. Little known fact: isn't related to former NHL commissioner John Ziegler.

Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 29

| | Comments (13)
bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players born in 1980.

Josh Beckett, SP: Angrier then a one legged buck, fiercer than a prairie dog with an extra tooth, more competitive than an armadillo in a grocery bag, and steady as an oil rig. Born in Texas.

Cesar Izturis, SS: Mostly healthy for the first time since 2004, Izturis still didn't live up to the expectations set for him by Moses in the Old Testament. Which reminds me, doesn't anyone else think it was weird that Moses talked about Cesar Izturis in the Old Testament?

Shane Victorino, CF: Had a bigger breakthrough with the average fan than probably any other player in baseball, including both ROYs. Chuckie Carr did that once, too.

Jonny Gomes, OF: Roided out unemployed thug. Had one good year and is still trying to make a living off of it. This is the only thing he has in common with Scarlett Johanssen.

Bobby Crosby, SS: Former ROY has more back problems than Superstar Billy Graham. Has struggled for the type of consistency that I have. The kind that allows me to make a classic wrestling reference in every BONILLA.

Noah Lowry, SP: Busted in his early teens for an elaborate ruby heist, he was shuffled off to Chino to spend the rest of his life in jail. After breaking out of the pen using fishing line and a diaper pin, he hopped a northern freighter out of Chula Vista. This is how he ended up in the Giants rotation. Has a TV character name.

Dan Haren, SP: Coming off of the best season of his career, Daniel John Haren would appreciate it if you'd stop calling him "Wee Danny." Has folk duo with Bram from The Elephant Show.

Kevin Correia, SP: Now a full time starter after several years in the pen. Collects truck stop lighters. Not as a hobby but in case the impending robot invasion involves some sort of sun blocking tactic.

Ryan Madson, RP: Fireballer had a coming out party in last year's playoffs. Nicknamed "Mad Dog." Presumably by a 3 year old.

Jose Bautista, UTIL: YOU SET OFF THE BAUTISTALARM! RING RING RING RING RING!!!11!

Joe Blanton, SP: Country Joe seemed a most underwhelming deadline deal for the Phillies last summer. Proved to be kinda whelming as the season progressed. Just reupped for $5.5M. Using it on hoes and rakes.

Nick Swisher, 1B: Won't be a true Yankee until he lowers batting average under .200 but hits some meaningless ground rule double in a playoff game or something. Kind of looks like a Yankee fan anyway.

Brad Hennessey, RP: Former blue chip prospect pitched just 17 games for Giants last year and struggled. Blames difficulties on sleep deprivation from playing too much Schmetris.

Brendan Harris, IF: Slap hitting infielder best known for roles in School Ties and Airheads. Acquired from Rays in Matt Garza deal, was annoyed by Garza just passing him in midair on a plane.

Matt Holliday, OF: Drafted in '98, but didn't make the pros until 2004. New member of the Oakland A's. Should resurrect forearm bash with Jason Giambi. Hopefully this remake will be more entertaining than Blues Brothers 2000.

Chris Shelton, 1B: Had a couple good years with the Tigers. Middle name is "Bob." That's easy to remember.

Scott Hairston, OF: Member of the Fabulous Flying Hairstons, Scott has more pop in his bat then any other Hairston. I think it's RC Cola, but I could be wrong.

John Buck, C: Part time catcher with the Royals. I think I'd rather tell people I was a blogger.

Cha Seung Baek, RP: Last season, he went from the Mariners to the Padres, flew over all of the good teams on the West Coast. Cried.

Jonathan Papelbon, RP: A powder keg with a flat top and an arm that could burst into flames at any second. Signed a one year deal with the Red Sox for the 2009 season. BOLD PREDICTION: It will be his last season with the club. Along with Martin Scorcese helped to bring the Dropkick Murphys into the public's consciousness... ten years too late.

Mike Jacobs, 1B: Part of that historic tater totting Marlins infield. Was a 38th round draft pick. Not the same Mike Jacobs that played from 1902-1902. Strikes out a lot. Old school.

Rich Hill, SP: Pitched 5 games last year. Smells like a Thai hooker.

Skip Schumacher, OF: Racked up 163 hits last year in his first full season. Has the good sense to go with Skip over his real name, Jared. Skips are more likable while Jareds are more likely to hit you with their surfboard and grope your girlfriend.

Kelly Shoppach, C: One of the brightest spots of the Indians' disappointing 2008. Slugged .517 but had more Ks than hits and walks combined.

Mike Fontenot, 2B: Fell out of the sky. Lives in an igloo.

Chien-Ming Wang, SP: Taiwan's favorite son and one time Yankee ace. Spent most of last season injured. Figures to spend most of this season being overlooked. Unil AJ Burnett spends most of this season injured.

Jose Veras, RP: Appeared in 60 games last season.Averaged more than a K per inning, making him a valuable stopper. Calls everyone "Jeff." Everyone.

Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP: The Human Heart attack. Barring injury he figures to continue getting better, and make a serious run at being the Sox' #1. Favorite Marvin Gaye Record? "Here, My Dear." Good choice.

Dan Uggla, 2B: One of the best hitting middle infielders in baseball. Strikes out more than you at Pizzeria Uno happy hour. Middle name, Cooley. That's rad.

Fred Lewis, LF: Over 200 TB and 21 SB last season. Most underrated Fred in California.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1973:

Casey Blake, 3B: Recently signed an extension with the Dodgers that will pay him until he is 38, or worth fewer wins over replacement than a dead retarded monkey. If I had one nice thing to say about Casey it's that he's a human being and doesn't deserve this sort of criticism from a blogger.

Geoff Blum, 3B: Now there's a man getting paid what he's worth! Is permanently enshrined in a bronze monument at New Comiskey for his 2005 World Series heroics. And you people make fun of the Yankees. Shame.

Mike Cameron, CF: One of a handful of players to smash four ding-dongs in a single game, missing the would-be record-setting fifth tater tot by a cat's whisker. Long considered one of the coolest dudes in baseball, an honor he will retain lest he become a Yankee.

Johnny Damon, CF: The poster child for baseball bloggers who rail against big contracts for aging folks at high-skill positions. Still managed to post a career-high 118 OPS+ last season and collect the second highest UZR among qualified AL left-fielders. So suck it.

Octavio Dotel, RP: Was part of this debacle but had nothing to do with any of these three debacles. Is a charter member of Ozzie Guillen's Existential Book Club.

Shawn T. Estes, SP: Signed a minor league deal and invited to Dodgers spring training. Someone should tell him that Dodgertown moved to Arizona. THE DREAM IS ALIVE, SHAWN.

Nomar Garciaparra, Util: Third cousin to Walkoff Walk patron saint Manny Garcia Parra. May be forced into early retirement because of the recent economic woes that are affecting other industries but are being used by baseball owners as a red herring to keep player salaries down.

Derek Lowe, SP: Signed an over-market deal with a desperate Braves team. A third starter in ace's clothing, Lowe will be praying for wormballs. Recently married that Dodgers TV personality chick he cheated on his wife with back in '05.

Trever Miller, RP: Flipped his excellent LOOGY 2008 postseason with the upstart Rays into a tidy $2 million deal with the Cardinals. Will be used exclusively to humiliate Prince Fielder in the 7th inning of every single St. Louis/Milwaukee tussle.

Guillermo Mota, RP: Another thirty-five-year-old offseason acquisition by the Dodgers! Most notable for his 50-game steroid suspension to start the 2007 season. Runs a financial software company on the side that totally predicted the market devaluation, and also makes a Tetris-like game called Schmetris.

Chan Ho Park, RP: Learned how to make the transition from starter to closer from Padre teammate Trevor Hoffman; saved three games for the WBC champion Korean team in 2006. Trevor Hoffman, if you really want to help the USA win, you'll put itching powder in Chan Ho's underoos next time.

Scott Schoeneweis, RP: New Jersey's own! Beat testicular cancer at age 19, which helped him deal with the sick nuts who call themselves Mets fans. Was the losing pitcher in the first and last games in Shea Stadium's final season.

Ichiro Suzuki, RF: Will almost certainly make the hall of fame and could potentially reach 3000 hits despite not playing a MLB game until age 27. Has 41 more career hits than Ozzie Guillen, who played baseball for 16 years and 29 more than Boog Powell who played for 17.

Mike Sweeney, 1B: Mike Sweeney needs work! If he receives no major league offers, Mike will join his father-in-law's gourmet chocolate company, but he better get in before the Valentines Day rush or the offer is OFF THE TABLE, Mr. Bigtime Baseball Player!

Julian Tavarez, RP: Another soon-to-be 36-year-old free agent. Got DFA'd by two different teams during 2008. Good news, Julian! You probably won't get DFA'd in 2009 because you won't make any roster to begin with! Silver linings, chap!

Dmitri Young, DH: Spent the last two years as a Warshington National and yet I cannot imagine the man playing any position except none position. Played just 38 games at first last year and made a whopping 7 errors. Was charged with 3 extra errors when he put ketchup on his hot dog. Literally, you pervert.

Chris Coste, C: Has probably sold 10,000 times as many books than he got postseason at-bats (5) with the Phillies last postseason. Will probably make 10 times as much money for signing the inevitable movie deal than he'll ever make as a baseball player. He's A Coste to Moste.

January 2011: Monthly Archives