Baffling Burrell Breakthrough: The Bat to Bop Baseballs By the Bay?

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Miniature baseball reporter Ken Rosenthal is reporting that the defending AL champion Tampa Bay Rays (it still feels weird to type that) are on the verge of consummating a two-year, $16 million deal with former Phillies slugger Pat Burrell:

Burrell, 32, will serve as the team's designated hitter. The Rays, nearing their payroll limit, could use some combination of Ben Zobrist, Gabe Gross and Fernando Perez in right field.

Rosenthal cites "major league sources," also known as "someone inside the Rays organization who is pissed off they didn't sign hard-partying Jason Giambi". Well, Phillies fans, you lost a gritty hero, but at least you've got a fancy defensive outfielder to prowl left field this season and you can reap the benefit of that Tampa draft pick! Oh, right, nevermind.

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Let the Ruben Amaro pillorying begin. At least Pat the Bait gets to prowl fresh waters. Philly girls were wise to his ways.

Seriously, Phillies fans are going to think Fred Sanford is playing in left, once they get a look at Ibanez's "wheels".

where's the "OMGLOL NUDIE HANNAH MONTANA LOLCATZ OBAMA" at the end of this post?

Pat positions personal performance perfectly; promptly procures professional pay.

Slow-footed slugger scams skeezers, slams spheres, steers stout schooner, steals stupendous salary.

Honeynut, if we ever hire a headline writer, I'm putting your name at the top of the list.

Comedic Commenter Conquers Captioning Contest

Is it just me or is Ben Zobrist one of those names that has popped into the greater baseball consciousness routinely over the last few years, at several different positions, and then it's like we all forget about him because he just isn't all that good at playing baseball?

I felt that way about B.J. Upton until he, y'know, actually came out and killed the ball.

Oh and can I try?

Resurgent Rays Rally Requisite Remuneration, Receive Resident...

Gah I lost it. Alliteration is hard...

Torpid Talent To Take Turn Touring With Tampa Team

What about Matt Joyce? Gabe Gross is terrible, as is Pat Burrell

Matt Joyce is out for the season with cat scratch fever.

If you ever hire a resident sex symbol/spokesmodel I demand consideration.

I prefer New Jersey resident and Columbia alum Fernando Perez in right field.

Cards sign Royce Ring.

Matt_t, tell me something about him that his 8.46 ERA can't.

The ERA doesn't indicate how shitty he is.

"Ben Zobrist" sounds like a character played by Dustin Hoffman in an Albert Brooks movie.

Yeah, well, enjoy Pat's streaky hitting and cinder block feet, Rays fans. Raul Ibanez is JUST FINE with me.


/don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone

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