The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.
Today, in no particular order, we look at the fightin' 81s:
Carlos Zambrano, SP: Looking for the rare pitcher's Triple Crown in 2009: leading the league in no-hitters, home runs and gloves eaten.
Jake Peavy, SP: The subject of numerous trade rumours all winter long, Peavy decides to make a few trades himself. Exchanges cheekful of chaw for corn cob pipe.
Carl Crawford, LF: Alarmed by high numbers of fans attending early season games, Carl will tragically injure his hamstring running from the catcalls and hoots of these uninitiated fanatics.
Oliver Perez, SP: No matter how depressed the market becomes; Oliver Perez will somehow manage to be vastly overpaid.
Rocco Baldelli, OF: Re-cures polio, breaks team record for tickets requested. Ties team record for "number of first name only chants for Sox player wearing number 5"
Doug Waechter, RP: Double Vowel Pitcher Power!! Uses the power of the digraph to keep both public address announcers and batters in knots during his mop up appearances.
Rich Harden, SP: The long Canadian winters left his bones brittle and weak; resulting in shovel-related injuries in his youth and fantasy baseball related insults into adulthood.
Justin Morneau, 1B: The long Canadian winters left his bones strong and robust; resulting in many MVP-related tears and strong beer-related conquests from coast to coast.
Daniel Cabrera, SP: Switch to Nats keeps him around the Capital area. Will often be late for starts due to circling the beltway; foolishly shook off his GPS and missed his exit.
Jorge De La Rosa, SP: What can I say about Jorge De La Rosa that hasn't already been said about a dozen other fringe rotation shitballers? This one's from Mexico!
WIlly Taveras, CF: Will post career high in at bats and new career low in on base percentage. Gains notoriety after appearing on baseball blog's newest derisive t-shirt.
Curtis Granderson, CF: He's bloggy and tripley, and will represent his country in the WBC. Little known fact: he won the Cook County Tree Climbing Championships three years running.
Ian Snell, SP: The de facto ace in Pittsburgh, which is akin to being the finest bullfighter in all of Laos. If the 1.50 career WHIP don't get ya then the crooked hat will.
Wilson Betemit, UTL: Gives new meaning to the terms "utility infielder" and "how in God's name did this guy end up on the Yankees?"
John Maine, SP: Will lead the league in "number of white dudes from Long Island that quote Method Man lyrics after every utterance of his name."
David Aardsma, RP: Double Vowel Pitcher Power!! First alphabetically in baseball history, but towards the back half of the middle in our hearts.
Jeremy Reed, CF: Speedy gloveman moves into Endy Chavez's much loved niche. Isn't actually much a gloveman.
Jeff Francis, SP: Willowy Canadian reacted to Tim Lincecom breaking his "most times ID'd on the road" record with a terrible down year. Hopes to rebound with off season conditioning and botox.
Alex Rios, RF: Having fully recovered from his staph infection in 2007, hopes to avoid missing major time in 2009 after contracting Legionnaire's Disease while playing winterball.
Shaun Marcum, SP: Receiving preseason Cy Young buzz from all writers that left Ricky Henderson off their Hall of Fame ballots. Will miss 2009 after Tommy John surgery.
Anthony Reyes, SP: Uses striped sock and stirrup combo to distract from his terrible, terrible, pitching.
Nate McLouth, CF: Walking tall after career season, McLouth irks some teammates by wearing his Gold Glove into the field. Team brass notice no difference in his run prevention.
Adam Wainwright, SP: Soft spoken Southern gentleman best known for nasty, Beltran-embarrassing curveball. Team opts keep him far from Chris Carpenter to prevent similarly tragic career arc.
Hong-Chih Kuo, RP: Political situation in Taiwan caused Kuo some concern, but recent emails from home indicate EVERYTHING IS FINE, CONTINUE SENDING MONEY TO YOUR RELATIVES AND/OR LOVED ONES.
Jeff Baker, UTL: A favorite of bloggers everywhere, his uncompromising tone rubs many readers the wrong way. Faced much discrimination from Bob Feller due to West German heritage.
Kevin Kouzmanoff, 3B: Poised for breakout season after participating in high level SPECTRE training program. Expect 30 home runs, 100 RBI and one attempt to frame David Wright in a sex scandal.
Boof Bonser, SP: Proudly carrying on Twins tradition of Livan Hernandez, Carlos Silva, and Sidney Ponson of overweight, replacement-level pitchers who bafflingly continue to draw a paycheck.
Josh Hamilton, OF/DH: After watching Josh's personal babysitter throw BP to kids from local outreach program, the Rangers move him into the rotation and sign him to a big contract.
Joel Hanrahan, RP: In the hunt for closer's role in DC. Despite what you may have heard, his wife is not now, nor has she ever been a lesbian.
Phil Dumatrait, P: Move from rotation to spot-starter and subsequent pay cut means working occasionally at local drycleaner. Business card now reads "Spot Starter and Stain Spotter"