The Dutch Oven: Moving the Lid Back to See What's Left

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Why the dutch oven? Because the term 'hot stove' needs to be retired. This feature will attempt to give you a listicle-driven source for all sorts of off-season baseball rumors. If you have any suggestions, rumors, or recipes that I can cook in my dutch oven, email us

  • Padres Decide to Skew a Bit Older at Shortstop: San Diego is on the verge of signing eleven-time-Gold-Glove-winning, 62-year-old Omar Vizquel to play short in 2009. With Craig Counsell at second, this becomes the single oldest double play combination in history, passing the 1979 Toronto Blue Jays featuring Abe Vigoda and Carl "Oldy" Olderson.

  • Rays Reach Deal to Receate Ultimate Platoon of People Named Gabe: For a few months last season, the Brewers platooned Gabe Gross and Gabe Kapler in centerfield. WIth the Rays recent acquisition of Kapler and their arbitration-avoiding new deal with Gross, the Gabe Platoon is back, this time in right field for the Rays. In related news, GM Andrew Friedman is in discussion with the archangel Gabriel to sell peanuts.

  • Tired of the Same Old, Same Old, White Sox Add Colon to Rotation: Bartolo Colon is returning to Chicago, having signed a one-year deal to become the Pale Hose fifth starter. He missed most of 2008 with a back ouchie and was dismissed by the Red Sox after going AWOL and heading to the Dominican Republic. Could you blame him?

  • Get Ready, Charm City! It's ZAUN TIME!: Famed cinema enthusiast and alleged steroid buyer Gregg Zaun will join the Balty-more Orioles for the '09 season, where he'll back up...well...looks like he's the only catcher on the roster. Enjoy fifth place again, Orioles fans!

  • Your List of Arbitration-Eligible Players Who Signed a Contract: Tigers RP Fernando Rodney, Tigers OF Marcus Thames, A's OF Jack Cust, Angels 3B Chone Figgins.

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Cust's new contract has a no polio clause.

Vizquel, the Gabes, Colon and Zaun. It's hard to tell which team got worse.

Gravy, the Pads couldn't get any worse.

[pours box of starving red ants into eyes]

Vizquel could use a walker and still have more range than Jeter.

Shit, I'd better have some deep dish pizza while I still can, because once Fatty Colon arrives there may not be any left.

We're going to need someone to make sure he doesn't eat Alexei

I had fatty colon once. Lots of wheat bran cleared it right up.

It was Carl "Oldy" Olsen and he played 1B.

Alexei: Beware the mouth-watering, seemingly innocuous "pile of plaintains" in the corner of the locker room...


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