Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 31

| | Comments (8)
bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1978:

Angel Berroa, SS: Played 81 games for the Dodgers last year. Inspired our only LOLcat ripoff. Is currently Yankees' Plan B if aging Derek Jeter gets injured this season. Oops!

Milton Bradley, OF: Entering 10th season, finally earning some of the respect his numbers have deserved in recent years. Credits newfound inner peace to ignoring everyone else on earth except for Dr. Wayne Dyer. No wait, that's me.

Endy Chavez, OF: In the hall of the Mountain King there can only be one Endy. And when Endy Chavez retires from baseball, he will enter the hall of the Mountain King and challenge the Endy that is already living there. Even with the thin air at that altitude he will still never hit home runs.

Joe Crede, 3B: Has a child named King Fazio Lazarus Odie Edith Crede*. Not currently employed but will be a good fit on a team that needs a player who is alive.

Marcus Giles, 2B: In the minors for the Phillies. Just bought a new drafting table so he can draw his own comic books to save money during the recession.

Cristian Guzman, 2B: Even after 3 years with Washington, Guzman still thinks he plays for the Twins and "has never been happier to be part of this Minnesota organization." Racked up almost 200 hits last year for first time in career.

Willie Harris, UTIL: Can play almost any position on a diamond. Notable for having a monkier so anachronistic he may as well be named Cap Anson or Mordecai Brown.

Jason Jennings, SP: Pitched in 6 games last season for Rangers. Gave up 26 runs. Then his legs fell off or something. I don't care how good the minor league system is, no MLB team should ever have a legacy of pitching as terrible as Texas.

Nick Johnson, 1B: Has spent far too much of his career laid up with real injuries, like broken legs. Mentioned in trade rumors with the A's recently. Warmer weather is good for brittle bones. Afraid of Koala Bears and words that start with P.

Kyle Lohse, SP: For just $18.95 Kyle Lohse will clean and detail your entire vehicle. But if you want him to be a mediocre pitcher for your baseball team it's gonna be a couple million.

Jason Marquis, P: Turned 17 and swore to never speak a word again but then someone came along and ruined everything. It was a strange time in his life. Listens to a lot of Jens Lekman. Pitches in Colorado now. Developing a taste for microbrews, brah.

Gil Meche, SP: Makes a whole crapload of money to pitch ok. Man... that seems to be a recurring theme on this list. Dreams in French.

Xavier Nady, OF: If you believe the rumors, Nady may not make it through the season a Yankee. After coming over at last season's deadline, he'll be a short tenured Yankee. Which is different from a short Yankee, like Chuck Knoblauch, Phil Rizzuto or Thomas Paine. Loves telling people "I spent 2 years in Pittsburgh one year."

Carlos Pena, DH: The former Northeastern Huskie looked to be finished as a full-time Major Leaguer after the 2004 season, but had a miraculous comeback with the Rays in 07, turning himself one of the home run hittingest players in the AL. This is not the only thing he has in common with Meat Loaf circa Bat Out Of Hell 2: Back Into Hell.

Brad Penny, SP: Listed as 6'4, 200 Lbs, it's fair to say that Brad has put on some weight in the past couple of seasons. Trying to have a bounce back year with the Red Sox. Hoping Dibs don't become a banned substance.

Joel Pineiro, SP: Holy crap it's true. Almost every pitcher I ever make fun of is going to be 31 this year. Is Westbrook on this list? Joel Pineiro thinks that dress makes you look fat. Drives a Canyonero.

Aramis Ramirez, 3B: Signed with the Pirates when he was 16, blossomed in Chicago. By that I mean he became a woman. Has hit 25+ HR every season since 2003. BONILLA projects him to be a little scared of Milton Bradley for the entire 2009 season.

Tim Redding, SP: Thinks ghosts are made out of hummus.

Juan Rivera, UTIL: Played 6 positions in 2009, making him as versatile as his name. Seriously, name one profession you couldn't see a guy named Juan Rivera being successful in? Pediatrician, dump truck driver, Archeriest (aka: arrow shooter). A Juan Rivera can do anything.

Jimmy Rollins, SS: Had a mercurial 2009 season. Spent much of first half being booed, I guess as a reward for his 2007 MVP award. Spent some time hurt, then returned as smiling face of a World Series Champion team. This year plans not having "Such a weird goddamned year." Favorite film: Back To The Future 3.

Ben Sheets, SP: Still a free agent. Teams may be suspicious of a throwing arm that has burst into flames 6 times in the past 4 years. Favorite word: "fjord."

Vernon Wells, CF: If Vernon Wells' past two seasons were a school lunch they'd be "crayons". When cornered, will levitate.

Dewayne Wise, OF: Remember that time when you were little and you were driving down the highway with your parents and that guy was in the car next to you and he looked like he was yelling even though he was in the car alone and then he started crying and then he started laughing with tears streaming down his face and you were trying to figure out what the hell was going on in that car, searching the backseat to see if someone was in the backseat or something and you were gonna tell your dad and then the guy just floored it, and pulled away? Remember that? That was Dewayne Wise.

Barry Zito, SP: Had a career low ERA+ of 85 last season. Has come to the point where I feel bad making fun of him. That puts him in very rare company on this website. Just to get some attention, BONILLA is predicting him to have a return to form and contend for the Cy Young in 2009.

Miguel Olivo, C:: Went to court to force Lee Iacocca to add the extra "i" in Olivio. Is as baffled as the rest of us as to why Lee Iacocca invented a butter substitute.

Victor Martinez, DH: Moving to first base for 2009. Is constantly misusing the word "ostensibly."

Cliff Lee, SP: Middle name: Phifer. So he's not just a member of the Tribe but also Tribe Called Quest. Has biggest act to follow of any player in 2009.

John Lackey, SP: Wimp.

Aaron Harang, SP: Underrated K pitcher, who should have taken out an insurance policy on his arm the day the Reds hired Dusty Baker. Drives a 1996 Aquamarine Ford Escort Wagon.

Chone Figgins, 3B: Seems to have settled on a position at roughly the same time all his tendons are beginning to snap and pop. Favorite part of being a baseball player: Clean hotel sheets every night!

Ryan Ludwick, OF: Hit 37 HR last year in just his second full season. Projected to hit 109 this year. Uncle, Boobie Ludwick, owned first microwave in Fresno, CA.

Kevin Gregg, RP: Thinks that song "Get Down On It" is about proper fielding technique.

Eric Bruntlett, UTIL: Gruff exterior, nougat center. Socially conservative, fiscally liberal.

Aaron Heilman, RP: Rock solid anchor of historically great Mets bullpen. Hides behind Gatorade cooler at the top of every 6th inning.

Chase Utley, 2B: Plunkable and breakable. Best all around middle infielder in baseball. Holds 16 patents. Gonna take April off. Afraid of no ghost. 10 feet tall. Below average dancer.

Jason Bay, LF: BRING BACK THE SONG.

Greg Dobbs, UTIL: Derives magical baseball powers from Little Debbie's Star Crunch.

Ryan Church, OF: Had so many concussions last season he can smell colors. When healthy he has much pop in bat. Had so many concussions last season he can smell colors.

Jorge Campillo, SP: Still isn't sure if he's supposed to eat the chicken inside of the waffle like a taco, or if the waffle is simply a side dish.

*Please refrain from making unconstructive edits to Wikipedia, as you did to Joe Crede. Your edits appear to constitute vandalism and have been reverted. If you would like to experiment, please use the sandbox. Thank you. JustSomeRandomGuy32 (talk) 20:01, 26 January 2009 (UTC)


PREVIOUS: The Dutch Oven: Just Take a Little Nibble, Pal   |   NEXT: Raining on the Phillies Victory Parade Is Easy, Fun

8 Comments

There is no wrong way to eat chicken and waffles

Are you sure that was Dewayne Wise? I always thought that was the creepy Presbyterian minister who always wanted kids to call him "Pappy".

I swear, this stupid feature makes me laugh my ass off every morning.

Eric Bruntlett is the best player ever named for a miniature bruntle.

You know Chase Utley is a phenomenal dancer. I think you're confusing him with Mike Lieberthal, who got his moves from Jimmy Rollins.

I thought Aaron Heilman was the heir of a mayonnaise empire.

Olivio's FAQ page is nearly as informative as this one.

Wait a minute. "Get Down On It" ISN'T about fielding fundamentals? Then what the hell IS it about?

Leave a comment