The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.
Today, in no particular order, Lloyd and Kris collaborate to look at players in the prime of life, born in 1983:
Edwin Jackson, SP: Born in Germany. Calls German Chocolate Cake "that dope ass cake I used to eat with the coconut back home all the time." Pitching career about to implode in Detroit.
Miguel Cabrera, 3B: Huge numbers, huge appetite, little tolerance for caffeine. Bounces off the walls like a goddamned firecracker after a half a can of Pepsi. Once hit a ball through a guy.
Edgar Gonzalez, RP:: Still enjoys getting a good piece of mail now and then. The letter is a lost art, ya know?
Chad Gaudin, RP: Can pitch in any situation... start, relief, closing. Not well. But he can do it.
Jose Reyes, SS: 6 tool player. Extra tool is allen wrench.
Jose Lopez, 2B: Had the best season of his career last year. Is having the next season of his career this year. Take that to the bank. And put it in a high yield CD.
Brandon League, RP: Family has the wicked easy time coming up with reunion themes. I bet you can think of 5 plays on the word "League" right now.
Gavin Floyd, SP: Drinks cologne.
Casey Kotchman, 1B: Only pickup line: "Casey Kotchman is a crotchman!" Didn't adjust so well to Atlanta. Hates peaches.
Joe Mauer, C: Unassuming star of stage, screen and backstop. Passed Prince as most popular guy in Minnesota 3 years ago and has never looked back.
Zack Greinke, SP: As crazy as he is talented, which is to say he's batshit insane. Which is also to say he's good at pitching. BONILLA projects him for 200 Ks and 6 good cries.
Matt Capps, RP: One of the NL's most effective relievers. One of it's worst xylophone players. He licks the keys and uses the mallet to test his knee reflexes.
J.P. Howell, RP: Failed in 3 seasons of limited action as a starter. Has excelled in the smaller role of set up man. This is the only thing he has in common with Charlie Sheen, negligible as a film star but surprisingly great on CBS sitcom, "Two & A Half Men."
Dana Eveland, SP: Middle name: Nosferatu. Describes genitals as "long, strong and full of boysenberry syrup."
Justin Verlander, SP: Former RoY had a tough 2008. Not as tough as Roy Scheider, but still no fun. We tell a lot of Roy jokes on this website. I need to diversify my portfolio.
Brandon McCarthy, SP Like your old roommate who spent 7 consecutive semesters saying that was the one where he'd graduate, this is finally supposed to be the year McCarthy stays healthy and produces. Likes to talk smack on message boards. Very unlikable. Or am I just saying that so he'll comment on this story?
Huston Street, RP: Possibly as crazy as Zack Grienke is talented.
Zach Duke, SP Gadzooks.
Kyle Davies, SP: Without a doubt, the lamest member of the Kinks, but the best athlete.
Cla Meredith, RP: Prett goo relieve who cam back t eart somewha afte tw stella season.
Ronny Cedeno, UTIL: Career OPS+ of 62. Stays in majors with uncanny hugging prowess.
Francisco Liriano, SP: 2009 AL Cy Young Award Winner. If that happens everyone has to buy Bobby Bonilla a Snickers. And us a car.
Edwin Encarnacion, 3B: "Edwin Encarnacion Instant Breakfast" is milk poured into his own hand and lapped out like a kitten.
Willy Aybar, UTIL:I believe the term for Willie Aybar's head is "nubby." The spanish Guy Fieri.
Edinson Volquez, SP: A 2008 Cy Young Candidate, was so good last season that Jon Daniels couldn't even call the Josh Hamilton trade a great success. Man the Rangers are lousy.
Ervin "Magic Carlos" Santana, SP:: Had career year in 2008, making up for the loss of Kelvim Escobar. Got violent diarrhea at my Bar Mitzvah even though he wasn't there and I'm not Jewish.
Hanley Ramirez, SS: Best all around player in baseball as long as you don't think fielding is part of baseball. For those of you who don't "habla espanol" El Nino is Spanish for... THE NINO.
Andy Marte, 3B: In light of being a weak-hitting infielder and a grown man named Andy, vows to keep the childish moniker until his age equals his career OPS+. Is far closer to Andres than any professional ballplayer should be.
Craig Hansen, RP: Mid season trade to the Pirates followed its natural progression: offseason pirating in the Gulf of Aden. Scored wicked cheap plasmas for his place on the Allegheny and his place in Outer Mogadishu.
Geovany Soto, C: Working closely with President Obama and Puerto Rican Governor Luis Fortuño to prevent an imbalance of catcher-based trade from the island to the mainland, in the interest of increased sovereignty and good will. Thinks Carlos Delgado is a total Commie.
Adam Lind, LF: The proud owner of the worst tattoo in baseball is proof you don't believe what happens in September or April. Carries the burden of Lloyd the Barber's hopes and dreams with him to the plate every AB.
Fausto Carmona, SP: Induces groundballs in the summer and child births in the winter. He's a trained and accredited midwife!
Cole Hamels, SP: Married a former Playmate yet still feels like, somehow, he's settling. Received a huge raise but remains underpaid.
Alberto Callaspo, 2B: Sweet like molasses.
Chris Young, CF: Unfortunately looks like the kind of player that will carry the "potential" tag forever. On the plus side, has a Magic Bullet in every room of his house.
Carlos Villanueva, SP: Envious of all the Manny Parra love around here, launches a Spanish language site on baseball and la condición humana. Initial surge of traffic quickly subsides when he replaces Lobster Baby with pictures of displaced Kurdish orphans.
Travis Ishikawa, 1B: Disappointing numbers at the big league level can be easily explained away: it wasn't actually Ishiwawa last year, but a heavily disguised Nathan Fillion researching a role.
Glen Perkins, SP: Considering skipping 2009 altogether, rather than face the inevitable crash back to Earth at speed.
Matt Garza, SP: The Gila Monster is the Rays pitcher most likely to match his 2008 output, mostly out of spite.
Stephen Drew, SS: Florida State Seminole hoodwinked somebody into shooting him a MVP vote. Anchors the worst defensive infield in baseball with pride.
Russell Martin, C: Unlike most Canadians that move to LA to pursue their dreams, Martin only has to worry about getting the late-afternoon sun in his eyes.
Dustin Pedroia, 2B: If he wins the MVP again, I'll buy you an autographed Steve Nash jersey.
Howie Kendrick, 2B: Called in three separate frog rain hoaxes during the 2008 season. Deathly afraid of the word tarpaulin.
Nick Markakis, RF: Awesome, Greek, and rich; just like his hero John Stamos.
Travis Buck, RF: Even the most modest projections point towards a down year for run production and follicle cultivation.
Hunter Pence, RF: Big & tools-ey, just how Ed Wade feels an ocean of guilt about likin 'em.
Andy LaRoche, 3b: Isn't nearly as good as his older brother nor is he as good as the Pirates thought when the traded for him. Heads up the clubhouse World of Warcraft guild, which keeps him in Nate McLouth's good books.
Mark Reynolds, 3B: The only Major League Baseball player to register 200 strikeouts in a single season. String of STIs proves overcompensation has a price.
Ryan Braun, LF: Is so fucking mad that Liakos got Ervin Santana to come to his Bar Mitzvah. Equally disappointed to learn CTC isn't really Jewish so he didn't have to memorize the Aliyah.
Andy Sonnanstine, SP: Somehow missed enough bats for a WHIP under 1.30 and a FIP under 4.00. Teammates are tired him repeatedly calling their wives "Topanga."
Kurt Suzuki, C: Won some Gilded Leather in 2008 and hit a bunch of clutch home runs. Working with Alan Moore on his first graphic novel Fighting Crime with Bazooki and the F-Hammer.
Ryan Rowland-Smith, SP: Left handed Australian begoggled baseball playing blogger. Offers hope that your little brother could be the backup full back for the Adelaide Crows.
Jacoby Ellsbury, OF: Skilled enough to ensure 2009 is the year that his achievements catch up to his fame.
Garrett Olson, SP: On the move again, this time to the Northwest. Has tremendous potential, based on the way he flew through the minors. Mostly because of his father's early flying carpet patent, but also his irrational fear of bus travel.
Brandon Moss, OF: The Pirates have so many multi-purpose outfielders, one of them is bound to make a splash this year. Brandon Moss hopes it's him, as he has incredible debts from an organ-harvesting business deal gone wrong.
Radhames Liz, SP: Baseball Reference page sponsored by fearshop.com, home to your favorite horror movie t shirts. Their latest and most terrifying shirt features Liz's WHIP in huge type.
Steven Pearce, RF: Sent me an e-card yesterday, stating he understood how hard it must be to come up with something interesting to say about Steven Pearce. He's a real prick, it turns out.
Joey Votto, 1B: Plans on leading the parade down Bloor Street after leading Canada to shock WBC title. Or just heading down Bloor in search of some solid Korean BBQ.
Jeff Clement, C: Many hopes and even a few dreams are pinned on Clement becoming the non-Japanese catcher of the future in Seattle. Spends his time away from the park looking at pictures of commenter Chief Wahoo's dog.
Lance Broadway, RP: Big part of the White Sox new policy to only employ 26 year old pitchers.
Charlie Morton, SP: Swears up and down that Gary Cherone-era Van Halen is "the best shit they ever did." Loves recent Weezer as well.
Brett Gardner, CF: Scrappy little fourth outfielder for the Yankees, meaning his BR page gets more daily views than Jake Peavy and Ben Sheets combined.
Wes Bankston, 1B: Complied a wonderful 7.5 : 1 K to BB rate in limited time in 2008. Despite good power numbers in the minors, Billy Beane is expected to execute him at sundown on Opening Day.
Taylor Teagarden, C: The newest member of the Rangers Catching & Consonant Appreciation Society is everyone's sexy pick for ROY and ZOMG! awards in 2009. Punched out James Lipton on principal alone.
Clayton Richard, SP: Winning a starting job out of Spring Training will go a long way to moving up form the kid's table at the annual Former Michigan Backup Quarterbacks luncheon.
Chris Getz, 2B: With only 7 Major League plate appearances to his name, it may be time for Chris to follow his Uncle Leo into the lucrative world of ethnic comic relief.
Fernando Perez, OF: Figures to be the odd man out in Tampa's outfield and clubhouse chapel. Keeps getting mysterious love notes and gifts from a certain "Rob I" from New Jersey.
George Kottaras, C: Coaches spent his first few years in the minors trying to undo the numerous bad habits gained during a lifetime of baseball in Canada. The most egregious was telling people he was the Sox new "backcatcher."
Humberto Sanchez, RP: Will regret both his poor conditioning and lack of accuracy when Gary Sheffield comes to extract revenge on Sanchez for his role in Sheff's trade to Detroit.