The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.
Today, in no particular order, we look at players born after 1985:
Players born in 1986
Felix Hernandez, SP: Has already passed the point where people ask "Felix Hernandez has been pitching for this long and he's still that young?" and arrived at the point where people say, "Wow, Felix Hernandez has been pitching for this long and he still hasn't won 15 games?"
Phil Hughes, SP: When asked by Ian Kennedy if he wanted to go see Okkervil River, exclaimed "Sure!" and hurried home to put on his fishing pants and pick up his reel.
Billy Butler, 1B/DH: Wanted to grow up and became a famous blues guitarist but gave up quickly when told he had "child's hands that could never wrap around the neck of the guitar". Bo Diddley is a cruel teacher.
Homer Bailey, SP: In 2008, Homer Bailey released a charity wine called "Homer Bailey's Chardonnay" with 100% of his proceeds supporting Outdoors Without Limits, an organization committed to help reduce the barriers that prevent disabled people from enjoying the great outdoors. Ferreals. But it was way too oakey so I spit it back in his face.
Yovani Gallardo, SP: Not unlike a Depression-era child whose parents pass on and is forced to raise his younger siblings, Gallardo will be asked to carry a Brewers team that has seen the departure of CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets. In this scenario, Jeff Suppan is the wacky older uncle.
Jair Jurrjens, SP: Threw a tantrum on Christmas 1999 when he didn't get any LEGOs from Santa Claus. His parents felt that thirteen was too old to be playing with "silly plastic bricks". Today, Jurrjens can buy his own damn LEGO.
Johnny Cueto, SP: Throws the speedball by 'em, makes 'em look like a fool. But also gives up too many tater tots and has wildly massive pitch counts that makes it hard to get out of the fifth inning alive. Has spent the off-season raising ferrets for disabled dogs to have as pets.
Nick Adenhart, SP: Contrary to popular notion, this right-handed pitching prospect does not spend eight-to-ten hours a day playing Gears of War on Xbox 360, despite the constant presence of someone with the online ID of "nickadenhartstudpitcherforthelosangelesangelsofanaheim". That is an impostor. (hint: totally Chone Figgins)
Reid Brignac, SS: Went hitless in ten July at-bats for the Rays last year, replacing the injured Jason Bartlett for a short stretch. Some blame Reid's poor play for the Tampa media naming Bartlett the team MVP. And by 'some' I mean 'Rob Iracane'.
Chris Volstad, SP: Still argues that The Lion in Winter deserved the Oscar over Oliver! despite the fact that the award was given over 40 years ago and well before Volstad was born. He's also never seen either film, but really liked the lion in Narnia.
Pablo Sandoval, 1B/3B: Should get the chance to win a job out of spring training with the Giants. First base, third base, catcher, radio color commentary guy, Pablo will take what he can get. Hit ten doubles in just 145 at-bats last year.
Matt Tuiasosopo, 3B: Born in Bellevue, WA and plays for the Mariners organization now. He practically bleeds wild salmon and pinot noir. Is the son of former NFL'er Manu Tuiasosopo which proves that as the generations of families progress, folks get smarter and choose better sports.
Matt Wieters, C: Finallly, some good news for Orioles fans who are used to bad news! Wieters is the #1 prospect in the world, a can't miss, power-hitting catcher with a heart made of gold and feet made of magic. He'll probably make his debut in late April and be traded by Peter Angelos in August for $5 million in cash and a pizza to be named later.
Franklin Morales, SP: Loves that Gary Jules version of "Mad World" that they played over that video game commercial a couple years back until he found out the original was done by Tears for Fears. Really hates British New Wave bands. Really.
Andrew McCutchen, CF: There is not enough room in PNC Park's center field for both Andrew McCutchen and Nate McLouth. Move over, McLouth. McCutchen is Sizz'lean.
Players born in 1987
Justin Upton, RF: Favorite berry is the boysenberry although he's never actually tasted one. Just really likes saying "boysenberry" over and over again, much to the chagrin of the Diamondbacks clubhouse. Kids these days, with their wacky words!
Cameron Maybin, CF: Had a streak of 10 plate appearances in which the end result had him reaching base safely. That's a Marlins record, folks! Is super-scintillating-stoked about the new Marlins ballpark that he considers to be modern architecture at its best.
Jay Bruce, RF: Believes in heaven, hell, and purgatory but will sit you down and argue with you for hours on end if you claim there's such a thing as "Belgium".
Conor Gillaspie, 3B: Was drafted just last year and already saw some hot major league action in September, but it was with the Giants. That's like showing up your first day of college and being asked to teach Philosophy 101 because hey, it's only philosophy and it's just made up anyway.
Players born in 1988
Travis Snider, LF: The slugger of the future in Toronto or just the second coming of Matt Stairs? You decide. Well not really, that's not how baseball works. Travis once ate an entire suckling pig, head-to-toe, bones and all.
Fernando Martinez, SP:
Will probably serve himself well to get a year in Triple A Buffalo, but with the Mets troubled rotation after the #1 Johan Santana, you never know when the kid might get an August call-up to keep New York in the race for third place. (edit: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS PERSON IS)