The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players facing their own terrible mortality as they roll over another decade: those born in 1979.
Rick Ankiel, CF: Slowly making the transition from America's Boyfriend to America's Arbitration Eligible Power Bat Available at the Trading Deadline.
Adrian Beltre, 3B: Spends hours with his sports psychologist each week, trying to live down the indignity of putting together a career season in a contract year.
Jack Cust, OF/DH: Three Outcome Redux. Reaching for the lofty heights of 40 home runs and 200 strike outs. Work out regimen includes lifting large kegs of beer in the morning, drinking them at night.
Adam Dunn, LF: Vehemently denied not enjoying baseball. Current unemployment indicates he's a man with a passion for maximized earnings who merely dabbles in baseball.
Jon Garland, SP: A casualty of the modern era. In previous decades, his ability to pick up cheap wins would have made him a mint. Instead, he turns down cut rate offers of more money than you'll ever see in your lifetime.
Jorge Julio, PR: Pitched for 6 teams over the last three years. Uses GPS to find the ballpark each day but intuition to find the plate. Advice: buy stock in GPS company and sell Jorge Julio baseball cards.
Brandon Lyon, RP: Erstwhile closer returned to Earth after unsustainable 2007. Unsuccessfully spent May 2008 trying to convince Chad Qualls that the Merovingian makes The Matrix Reloaded the most underrated movie of the decade.
Corey Patterson, CF: The road from "can't-miss prospect" to "underwhelming big leaguer" to "punchline eternal" is long, and hard is the way out of baseball.
Juan Rincon, RP: Entire career to date spent in Minnesota with the Twins. Unconsciously hums Prince songs while braiding his long, blond wig on Sundays. Doesn't get Fargo.
Luis Rivas, 2B: Is no longer on speaking terms with fellow Venezuelan and former teammate Juan Rincon. Staunch supporter of Hugo Chavez, refuses to understand Rincon's love of wigs and hatred of Gary Anderson.
Johan Santana, SP: Already dreading the thought of lugging the Mets carcass around all season long. Has 15 autographed pictures of Roy Halladay in his locker.
Juan Uribe, 2B: Signature bat flip and occasionally spectacular defense ensures that sometimes a completely forgettable ball player can sometimes piss you off in new, exciting ways.
Aaron Cook, SP: The least acey ace in baseball. First Rockies pitcher to spend entire career with the team and live to age 30. The team agreed to name the right field wall at Coors Field The Cliffs of Insanity in his honor.
Bill Hall, 3B: Hopes a solid bout of whining will arrest his career free-fall. Thinks Bernie Brewer is a punk that should show him some respect.
Coco Crisp, CF: Brings his brawling ways to the AL Central, plans on cold cocking Joe Mauer for nothing. Will undoubtedly by the most popular Kansas City Royal by the end of their season. Let's go with Memorial Day just to be safe.
Duaner Sanchez, RP: Karma doesn't live here anymore. I hope he uncorks a wild pitch that strikes Tony LaRussa in the skull.
Jeremy Affeldt, RP: Usually serves as the transportation coordinator at the annual LOOGY conference on Monterey Bay. Spends the first 6 innings of each game on the phone trying to locate right hand drive cars in the Greater Carmel area.
Erik Bedard, SP: Single handedly proved not all Canadians are hard working, polite, or rugged.
Carlos Silva, SP: Wanted by Interpol for grand, grand, grand larceny.
Jayson Werth, RF: Faces additional pressure and playing time after signing contract extension. Plans to lean heavily on his superfluous Y for support.
Khalil Greene, SS: Despite last year's struggles, is secretly awesome. Also, secretly Asian!
David DeJesus, CF: Physical embodiment of the well-worn sportswriter cliche solid. Writes John Turturro an angry letter on the first of every month.
Clint Barmes, SS/2B: Indiana State Sycamore lost his job to Troy Tulowitzki and his virginity to Toto's Africa. Regrets nothing.
Jose Valverde, RP: Both awesome and crazy, Valverde makes you crazy for his awesome. LOVES JESUS THIIIIIS MUCH <----------------------------------->
Garrett Atkins, 1B/3B: Puts up reasonable, inoffensive numbers while splitting time at the corners. Self loathing and guilt finds him cruising for offensive and disturbing things on seedy street corners.
Gerald Laird, C: Newest Detroit Tiger is excited to catch live arms like Verlander and Bonderman. Less than enthused about repeatedly running to the backstop to collect Dontrelle's assorted offerings.
Ryan Howard, 1B: If you made 1000 people guess his age, exactly zero would guess 30. The same 1000 people think Kelly Kapoor was better off with Darryl.
Jason Bartlett, SS: Received votes for both MVP and Sultan of Brunei. Is equally qualified for these positions.
Josh Willingham, LF: Another member of the Florida Marlins Free Swingin Tater Tot Cheap Labor Dance Pack. Would have signed an extension this off season but for his bumbling agent. His specialty is magicians.
David Bush, SP: Uses high socks and rocky motion to distract from his vector-straight fastball. Isn't fooling anyone.
Gabe Gross, OF: Strict religious upbringing denied him the knowledge of decadent things like chocolate and high rise buildings. Is bound and determined to prove, once and for all, he isn't a big league talent.
Brad Hawpe, RF: Inclusion on American WBC team will expose him to scores of new fans. Not one will pronounce his name properly.
Jeremy Guthrie, SP: Would have a much better record if he pitched for a better team and if he was a better pitcher.
Kevin Youkilis, 1B: Excels at getting on base and provoking rancor. Hopes to cut down strike outs by being more selective at the plate and less pervy around the BC commuter girls.
Adam LaRoche, 1B: Continued childhood tradition of abusing younger brother and teammate Andy. Often mimics Andy's voice, professing his love for Jack Wilson rather than calling for shallow pop ups.
Ryan Theriot, SS: Scrappy. Gritty. White. Vastly overrated. The Riot has all the tools required to become a beloved baseball player the world over.
Clay Hensley, RP: Biggest regret: not following Jars of Clay around the Midwest in a Honda Accord the summer after high school. Being a professional baseball player with 7 figure career earnings offers little solace.
Wandy Rodriguez, SP: Ostracized in the clubhouse for his controversial views on human evolution with regard to dolphins. People got sick of his Chicken of the Sea/Solient Green diatribe after a while.
Akinori Iwamura, 2B: Quite enjoys life in Tampa Bay thanks to ample fresh seafood and Catholic school just down the street from his condo.
Rocky Cherry, RP: Is not actually a professional baseball player. Best known for his raucous one man pansexual revue, seen 8 times weekly at The Open Door in Chelsea.
Brad Ziegler, RP: Would be best known for impressive rookie scoreless innings record were anyone impressed by a 29 year old rookie. Little known fact: isn't related to former NHL commissioner John Ziegler.