Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 34

| | Comments (13)

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1975:

Russell Branyan, DH: Seattle snagged this classic Three True Outcomes guy for a song this offseason. Well, he'd be a Four True Outcomes guy if you counted "switching teams". The Mariners are his eighth team.

Chris Carpenter, SP: After Albert Pujols' elbow and Jack Buck's mummified pinky finger, Chris Carpenter's shoulder is the most valuable body part in St. Louis. Nerve damage cost him 2007 and 2008 but expect the pride of Manchester, N.H. to make 2009 count.

Luis Castillo, 2B: Including minor leaguers, there have been SIX players named Luis Castillo active in the past two years. This particular Luis Castillo is the former Gold Glover that Omar Minaya is taking on a Caribbean cruise, just to have the chance to push him overboard during the conga line.

Alex Cora, SS: Lives forever in the shadow of his brother Joey, ten years his senior. Experience of the shadow has helped him back up 26 different shortstops in Boston.

Francisco Cordero, RP: Pitched well enough to retain his closer status for 2009, but just in case, Coco has a brown envelope full of compromising photos involving Dusty Baker, a Shetland pony, and a Ronco juicer.

Doug Davis, SP: Beat the thyroid cancer in 2008 and beat the Braves in his first start back. Doug's favorite movie of all time is Jaws and will beat you, too, if you say any different.

Mark DeRosa, 2B: New Jersey's own Mark DeRosa played quarterback at Penn and can currently be found searching out Cleveland for the best place to get a soppressata sangwich.

J.D. Drew, RF: Is equally despised in both North Jersey and South Jersey, a feat normally matched only by active members of the Washington Redskins football squadron. A devout Christian, Drew doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, dance, or drive an automobile with a woman in the front passenger seat.

David Eckstein, SS: I think we should stop using Baseball-Reference.com as our source for player info. They seem to think Eckstein once won a World Series MVP award?

Pedro Feliz, 3B: Feliz is Clare's least favorite Phillies player and was phillas' least favorite Giants player, which means that neither commenter appreciates the defensive revolution in baseball.

Brian Fuentes, RP: Fuentes will be your new Angels closer in '09. Previous guy set some sort of record, I reckon. This is like a hack comedian going on after Pryor's 'Killed my car' bit. (warning: coarse language)

Carlos Guillen, LF: Moved from shortstop to third base to first base back to third base and will allegedly play left field in '09, as per Jim Leyland. I suppose that's what Jeter's rotation would have looked like if he had corner outfielder power.

Livan Hernandez, SP: If this whole pitching thing doesn't work out for the...ahem...34-year-old Hernandez, there's always that golfing career he's got on the backburner. Had an ERA above 8 during his eight-game stint with the Rockies in '08.

Tim Hudson, SP: This creampuff will probably miss the entire 2009 season recovering from Tommy John surgery. Really, really loves this juicy ham, and whatever it is they're cooking in that picture.

Torii Hunter, CF: Likes chemistry. Enjoys nude sunbathing. Has trouble dealing with demons.

Gabe Kapler, RF: At one point during Kapler's stint with the Red Sox, Boston Herald beat writer John Tomase surveyed the entire Red Sox locker room and found out that Kapler was the only Democrat among 24 Republicans. This once again proves my theory, rich white dudes love other rich white dudes.

Mark Kotsay, RF: Mark hates the new Tropicana brand design just as much as you do. He's switching to Florida's Natural.

Mike Lamb, 3B: My clam will platoon with Bill Hall at third in Milwaukee. This is perhaps the least threatening offensive platoon in baseball history. Their combined OPS got beaten up and robbed by David Wright's OPS.

Derrek Lee, 1B: He's the black Kent Hrbek. Derrek Lee might be as valuable to the Cubs as Al Pujols is to the Cardinals and probably deserved the 2005 NL MVP just as much, if not more than his division rival.

Julio Lugo, SS: Julio has probably gotten over the whole parasitic worm by now, just in time to lose his job to young stud Jed Lowrie.

Damaso Marte, RP: Claims to have invented 'ants on a log', or the celery snack with peanut butter and raisins. Obviously this is wildly untrue, but perhaps he discovered and named the tasty treat on his own in a wild act of kismet.

Jose Molina, C: Will always be remembered for hitting the last ding-dong at Yankee Stadium II and also for looking exactly like a panda bear. Hates ants on a log.

David Ortiz, DH: Probably one of the three best designated hitters in baseball history, which is akin to saying that I am one of the three best bloggers at Walkoff Walk. Keeps his mamey in his fridge.

Placido Polanco, 2B: Played the entire 2007 season at second base for the Tigers without committing a single error. Had a brown envelope full of photos of the Comerica Park official scorer in flagrante delicto with a dromedary and a Ronco juicer.

Edgar Renteria, SS: Like Ty Cobb, he sleeps with a revolver under his pillow. The only difference? It's empty and made of Lego. He and Polanco were for one season the Latino Trammell and Whitaker.

Alex Rodriguez, 3B: Earned his entire rookie salary every two-and-a-half games in 2008. Ranked 22nd all time in times hit by pitch. All time home run leader for people born in New York.

Scott Rolen, 3B: Is still reading The Jungle.

B.J. Ryan, RP: Ryan has an entire section of his Wikipedia entry devoted to Notable blown saves. Ryan will once again collect 30 saves for a slightly above average Blue Jays team and spend the All Star break rebuilding houses in storm-ravaged Halifax.

Scot Shields, RP: Still a little ticked off he didn't win the closer job when K-Rod skipped town. Is planning his revenge on manager Mike Scioscia, which will probably involve a cardboard box of empty aluminum cans and a Ronco juicer.

Jeff Suppan, SP: Owns a Los Angeles-area restaurant named Soup's Grill despite the impossibility of grilling soup. Suppan is lucky enough to be employed by a Brewers team with few other warm bodies to actually start baseball games.

Fernando Tatis, LF: Perhaps the only major league ballplayer to have a song written about him by Jenny Lewis. Once played for some strange team named the "Montreal Expos", whoever they are.

Kaz Matsui, 2B: Two words. Anal. Fissure.

Hideki Okajima, RP: Had a down 2008 after a stellar 2007. Manager Tito Francona is still figuring out a polite way to tell him to stop looking at the damn ground every time he throws a pitch.

Hiroki Kuroda, SP: Went 2-0 for the Dodgers in the 2008 playoffs. Was a Whopper Virgin until November, when he mistook his local Burger King for a shoe store.

PREVIOUS: The Dutch Oven: Soup's On!   |   NEXT: Poor Economy Forces Indians Into Desperate Move: Listening To Their Fans


Whatever it is that Hudson and Paula Deen are cooking, you can be sure that it involves a gallon of butter and lard.

Ortiz is such a suck up, that interview was extremely "corny". bleurgh

The one thing I remember about Kent Hrbek is that there were 7 of him in every pack of baseball cards. I put a couple in the spokes of my bike and used the rest to wallpaper my apartment.

Fuck Hrbek.

BJ Ryan = Free to a good home

Pedro's game-winning WS hit grants him immunity from criticism until at least May, at which point I will begin defending him based on: a)his aggressive third basemanship; b) the translation of his name; and, most importantly, c) his chinstrap beard.

Ham sangwiches for everyone!

Pedro's game-winning WS hit grants him immunity from criticism until at least May, at which point I will begin defending him based on: a)his aggressive third basemanship; b) the translation of his name; and, most importantly, c) his chinstrap beard.

I'm the pride of Hooksett NH, which is like being the pride of Manchester, except you're just right next to it and you're so small that you don't even have your own high school and so you just tell everyone you're from Manchester.

/joke that only other people from Southern NH will get.

Look out for my epic poem, "Those girls in the tight red overalls."

@CTC - As the pride of Keene NH, I get your joke, and share your intense shame.

Speaking of Southern NH towns, isn't Carpenter from Exeter?

Doc Rock,

He may be from Exeter but I think he pitched at Trinity. They always paid a bunch of ringers to play there.

We can discuss this later at a T-Bones.

You New Hampshire cats know the Kittery Trading Post? Haven't been up that way in years but it used to be an outstanding gun shop.

Bill Hall is the biggest miss or hit player ever. There's days where he'll be hot as all hell, and days where he's colder than the winter of the state he normally plays in (schools are canceled tomorrow, it's that cold).

Leave a comment