Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 37, 38, 39

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The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players born in 1970, 1971. and 1972.

Age 37

Garret Anderson, OF: Currently unemplyed, but rumors have him staying in California, up by the bay with either Oakland or SF. Weird fact: Has never scored more than 100 runs in a season because it's against his religion. Anderson is a Wiccan.

Paul Bako, C: Real name: Gabor Paul II Bako. Said to be rejoining Cubs for Spring Training. My friend Raquel says she would not sleep with him.

Tony Clark, 1B: Staying in Arizona. Sleeps standing up on an eliptical machine. Career OPS+ of 112, higher than Garret Anderson, with 247 career HR.

Carlos Delgado, 1B: Smiley pulled a Lazarus act last year, and made a run for MVP. Still important to Mets title hopes. Oops. Once beat Rock Hudson in a game of Connect Four.

Cliff Floyd, DH: Click that link to remember some of his great season that you have undoubtedly forgot about. Most potential lost to injury since that guy that Leif Garrett paralyzed. Obama's stimulus package said to include special paragraph just for Cliff.

Mike Hampton, P: Has made more money per pitch that Ron Popeil. Is scared of the dark because he can't see what it is that's going to injure him. Somehow employed by Astros.

Raul Ibanez, LF: With Ibanez replacing Pat Burrell for way more money, the Phillies are projected to repeat as champs and also win the Super Bowl and UEFA Cup.

Chipper Jones, 3B: One of Walkoff Walk's most prolific commenters. Unhappy with the Braves all of a sudden. Could be in a different uniform by midseason once the Braves inevitably fall way out of contention. Redneck.

Melvin Mora, 3B: Had a sneaky good 2008. Is just kind of sneaky in general and is currently hiding behind your shower curtain. Don't scare him, he spits ink.

Andy Pettite, SP: IS TAKING ALL GODDAMNED DAY TO PICK A TEAM. CHRISTMAS IS COMING, ANDY.

Manny Ramirez, LF: Little discussed outfielder. Toiled in obscurity for years in Boston. BONILLA predicts 2009 will be the year he finally breaks into the national spotlight.

Jason Varitek, C: At this point probably regretting Scott Boras' advice to decline arbitration. Was famous around Boston for sitting on front lawn and handing out candy on Halloween. May become famous for doing that 365 days a year.

Age 38

Jason Giambi, 1B: After our sandwich career discussion the other day, I'm putting Giambi's new WoW nickname up to a vote. Is it "Hoagie" or "Reuben." After 7 years away he returns and is immediately reinstalled as Oakland's most dangerous hitter. That's probably not good.

Brian Giles, OF: Tan jackass. May be best player in California Penal since Ricky Vaughn.

Pedro Martinez, SP: Still a free agent. Has said he wants to play this year. Shoe-In for the HoF because of the sheer amount of stories he's told involving mango trees.

Kevin Millar, 1B:: Ostensibly looking to return with Orioles but would drop playing in a second if NESN offered him a 2AM time slot for weekly Sox highlight show "Cowboy Wrap-Up."

Jorge Posada, C: In second year of 4 year, $52M contract. Still getting phantom pains in amputated throwing arm. First name not pronounced "Whore-Hey" but "Kenny."

Ivan Rodriguez, C No contract, still has both arms. Had good fortune of never being caught with steroids, probably another HoF shoe-in. Keeps crinkle cut fries in his ass.

Billy Wagner, P: Since Billy Wagner isn't playing baseball this year here's a Billy Preston video.

Gregg Zaun, C: Free agent, movie critic, nephew of Rick Dempsey, former host of Amazing Discoveries.

Jose Contreras, P: Since Jose Contreras may not be playing baseball this year here's the Shelley West Song, Jose Cuervo.

Age 39

Paul Byrd, SP: Apparently taking some time off to coach his kids but not retiring. Wrote a book about how he doesn't jerk off on the road. Grossest thing I've ever been forced to visualize.

Mark Grudzielanek, 2B: Once wrestled an alligator and lost after the alligator delivered a flying elbow from the top rope.

Eddie Guardado, RP: Returned to Minnesota last season as the Prodigal Son. Of Fernando Valenzuela.

Darren Oliver, RP: Last active player from the Negro Leagues.

Jim Thome, DH: A paraplegic in remission, Mr. Thome speaks 8 languages and smells of sandalwood. He hits lots of home runs and even though he played in the same infeld as Joe Crede no has ever seen them both in their line of sight. Coincidence?


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10 Comments

One of Walkoff Walk's most prolific commenters.
I AM NOT SOME SORT OF CONDOM OR SOMETHING.

LEMME JUST SAY FOR BEGINNERS THAT THIS NEW RANKING SYSTEM IS FOR THE BIRDS. ROBBY BONILLA WASNT EVEN GOOD FOR MOST OF HIS BASEBALL LIFE AND NOW YOU FRUITS THINK HE IS SOME KIND OF GOOD PREDICTOR OF STATS OR SOMETHING I DON'T GET IT.

MAYBE ONE DAY I COULD HAVE MY OWN RANKING SYSTEM CALLED C.H.I.P.P.E.R. AND IT COULD STAND FOR

FOR

FOR

OH WHATEVER YOU FIGURE OUT THE WORDS THATS NOT MY JOB YOU WRITE I HIT .300 THATS THE ARRANGEMENT.

I forgot to mention that if you're going to watch that Billy Preston video, make sure you have enough room to dance.

Shouldn't the Phils be in the Champions League?

CHIPPER = Consecutive Hitless Innings Per Positional Error Rate

It makes no sense, just like Chipper himself.

best bonilla yet

Jorge Posada already has plans to work for The Guild Of Calamitous Intent after his career is over.

We'll take Chipper. We like hicks up here. Plenty of hunting round these parts. He can hang with Jason Kubel.

There's too many demmycrats in Minnesota for Chipper's liking.

WHO HERE THINKS 39 IS NOT TOO OLD TO LIKE MEGADETH? PRESS 1!!!

@The Colonel
Yeah but other than a couple parts of Minneapolis and St. Paul, most of the "Democrats" in MN are farmers or laborers that are socially conservitive, one issue dems that vote that way because their father did.

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