The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players born in 1970, 1971. and 1972.
Garret Anderson, OF: Currently unemplyed, but rumors have him staying in California, up by the bay with either Oakland or SF. Weird fact: Has never scored more than 100 runs in a season because it's against his religion. Anderson is a Wiccan.
Paul Bako, C: Real name: Gabor Paul II Bako. Said to be rejoining Cubs for Spring Training. My friend Raquel says she would not sleep with him.
Tony Clark, 1B: Staying in Arizona. Sleeps standing up on an eliptical machine. Career OPS+ of 112, higher than Garret Anderson, with 247 career HR.
Carlos Delgado, 1B: Smiley pulled a Lazarus act last year, and made a run for MVP. Still important to Mets title hopes. Oops. Once beat Rock Hudson in a game of Connect Four.
Cliff Floyd, DH: Click that link to remember some of his great season that you have undoubtedly forgot about. Most potential lost to injury since that guy that Leif Garrett paralyzed. Obama's stimulus package said to include special paragraph just for Cliff.
Mike Hampton, P: Has made more money per pitch that Ron Popeil. Is scared of the dark because he can't see what it is that's going to injure him. Somehow employed by Astros.
Raul Ibanez, LF: With Ibanez replacing Pat Burrell for way more money, the Phillies are projected to repeat as champs and also win the Super Bowl and UEFA Cup.
Chipper Jones, 3B: One of Walkoff Walk's most prolific commenters. Unhappy with the Braves all of a sudden. Could be in a different uniform by midseason once the Braves inevitably fall way out of contention. Redneck.
Melvin Mora, 3B: Had a sneaky good 2008. Is just kind of sneaky in general and is currently hiding behind your shower curtain. Don't scare him, he spits ink.
Andy Pettite, SP: IS TAKING ALL GODDAMNED DAY TO PICK A TEAM. CHRISTMAS IS COMING, ANDY.
Manny Ramirez, LF: Little discussed outfielder. Toiled in obscurity for years in Boston. BONILLA predicts 2009 will be the year he finally breaks into the national spotlight.
Jason Varitek, C: At this point probably regretting Scott Boras' advice to decline arbitration. Was famous around Boston for sitting on front lawn and handing out candy on Halloween. May become famous for doing that 365 days a year.
Jason Giambi, 1B: After our sandwich career discussion the other day, I'm putting Giambi's new WoW nickname up to a vote. Is it "Hoagie" or "Reuben." After 7 years away he returns and is immediately reinstalled as Oakland's most dangerous hitter. That's probably not good.
Pedro Martinez, SP: Still a free agent. Has said he wants to play this year. Shoe-In for the HoF because of the sheer amount of stories he's told involving mango trees.
Kevin Millar, 1B:: Ostensibly looking to return with Orioles but would drop playing in a second if NESN offered him a 2AM time slot for weekly Sox highlight show "Cowboy Wrap-Up."
Jorge Posada, C: In second year of 4 year, $52M contract. Still getting phantom pains in amputated throwing arm. First name not pronounced "Whore-Hey" but "Kenny."
Mark Grudzielanek, 2B: Once wrestled an alligator and lost after the alligator delivered a flying elbow from the top rope.
Eddie Guardado, RP: Returned to Minnesota last season as the Prodigal Son. Of Fernando Valenzuela.
Darren Oliver, RP: Last active player from the Negro Leagues.
Jim Thome, DH: A paraplegic in remission, Mr. Thome speaks 8 languages and smells of sandalwood. He hits lots of home runs and even though he played in the same infeld as Joe Crede no has ever seen them both in their line of sight. Coincidence?