The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.
Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1982:
Wily Mo Pena, LF: Wily Mo, he's a vegetarian. He don't eat meat but he sure likes the bone.
Frankie Rodriguez, RP: Relax! Mets fans, you won't have to worry about Billy Wagner blowing important games anymore. Still, with his sky-high walk rate, I foresee many Mets-induced shrimp videos.
Jeremy Bonderman, SP: Missed most of '08 with a blood clot. Oddly enough, the blood clot was invited to Tigers spring training and will compete for the left field job.
Chad Cordero, RP: A torn labrum cost the Nationals closer almost all of his 2008 season. No matter, Chad, you weren't going to get many opportunities to save games.
Dontrelle Willis, SP: Constantly re-adjusting his jaunty hat, hoping to find that exact angle and bend of the brim that brought him so much success in 2005. Dontrelle needs to either rediscover his slider or go back to trade school.
Yadier Molina, C: Contrary to popular belief, he's not really the youngest Molina brother. That honor goes to 24-year-old Chet Molina, a 5'10", 325 lb catcher for the Moose Jaw Miller Express in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
Jason Kubel, DH: Someone named Grant Maki sponsors Jason's B-R.com page with the epigram, "Jason Kubel is my hero. Like if Nightcrawler was real and played baseball." Awesome.
David Wright, 3B: Biggest news out of David Wright camp this offseason was the rumor that he was, and then wasn't, a passenger on the Miracle on the Hudson flight. The geese couldn't do what the Phillies have done two straight seasons.
Corey Hart, RF: I wonder if Corey tires of the "Sunglasses at Night" nonsense. I'd be tearing my hair out but since baseball players are known to have awful musical taste, Hart probably rocks out to the tune every at-bat.
Grady Sizemore, CF: Without a doubt the most underrated player in the American League. Four years in the league and he's yet to finish higher than tenth in the MVP voting despite being the only AL centerfielder with both a good glove and a great bat.
Tom Gorzelanny, SP: Was somehow part of the fan vote to fill the final roster spot of the 2007 NL All Star Team. Finished a distant seventh place despite there being only five players in the running.
Paul Maholm, SP: Most notable moment of short career so far was striking out Billy Crystal in a spring training game. Would have endeared himself to Yankees fans had his 90 MPH fastball connected with Crystal's voicebox.
Conor Jackson, LF: Conor's dad John played Admiral Chegwidden on the CBS drama JAG, which inexplicably ran for 10 seasons. People, hour-long dramas on network television are devoid of foul language and nudity and therefore worthless.
Dustin McGowan, SP: Surgery to repair his frayed labrum may keep him from pitching in 2009. No worries, Jays fans, you've still got Shaun Marcum. Oh, Tommy John surgery? Well you'll always have A.J. Burne...whoops.
J.J. Hardy, SS: James Jerry temporarily removed the periods between his initials when CC Sabathia was his teammate. Tried to bring them back this offseason but had to pay a $150,000 period restoration fee from the Punctuation Management Syndicate.
Yuniesky Betancourt, SS: His glove actually got worse than his bat in 2008. Has the range of Derek Jeter, the arm of David Eckstein, and the bat of Neifi Perez, who is actually dead.
Shin-Soo Choo, RF: Gesundheit. Zing!
Robinson Cano, 2B: For three years, his sweet singles swing was compared to hall-of-famer Rod Carew. Recent struggles have led the horrible broadcaster Michael Kay to compare him to mud.
Carlos Marmol, RP: With the departure of Kerry Wood, gets promoted to closer despite the acquisition of Kevin Gregg. Is very K-Rod-esque with his high walk rate and high strikeout rate. "Marmol" is from the Catalan word for "marble".
Manny Corpas, RP: Should resume his role of closer with Brian Fuentes headed to greener American League pastures. He'd better get his groundball ratio down to 2007 levels or else expect a flurry of tater tots.
Ricky Nolasco, SP: Missed most of 2007 with Joe Girardi-induced arm problems but recovered in 2008 to go 15-8 and collect 186 K's in 212 innings. Total fantasy sleeper. Zzz.
Zach Miner, RP: Is there any worse job in the world than being a spot starter for a Jim Leyland team? Well maybe artificially inseminating walruses with a rubber glove and a turkey baster, but I'll call it a draw.
Ian Kinsler, 2B: Little known Ian Kinsler fact: when the Rangers forced Michael Young to move from shortstop to third base, it wasn't to make room for stud prospect Elvis Andrus. It was because Kinsler said that Young smelled like spoiled milk and beets.
Brian Wilson, RP: GENERIC BEACH BOYS JOKE. Did not have dominant numbers in 2008 but the Giants' need for a shutdown closer was somewhat mitigated by their suckitude.
Jered Weaver, SP: If he loses too much speed on his fastball, Weaver has the risk of allowing 35+ homers in a season. Lost a eight-inning combined no-hitter over the Dodgers 1-0 in 2008.
Michael Bourn, CF: Part of the trade that sent Brad Lidge to Philadelphia. His 57 OPS+ was perhaps one of the worst in professional baseball last year. Good work, Ed Wade!
Carlos Quentin, LF: Had the AL MVP in the bag until he slammed his bat down in frustration in September and borkened his wrist. Your impatience allowed that twink second baseman in Boston to have an inflated ego, Carlos.
Sean Marshall, RP: I can't tell the difference between Sean Marshall and Sean Gallagher. Which one plays for the A's now?
Micah Owings, SP: Was traded in September to the Reds and made four pinch-hit appearances and zero appearances on the pitchers mound. Second coming of Rick Ankiel?
Yunel Escobar, SS: Regressed somewhat with the bat but was glovey enough in '08 to stay on as the Braves shortstop for '09. After emigrating from Cuba and washing up on the shores of Miami, his first request was for a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
Manny Parra, SP: The patron saint of Walkoff Walk. Should rebound nicely in '08. Well he better because he's the Brewers ace now. Sucker.
Nick Blackburn, SP: With teammate Nick Punto they form the Twins NICKGASM. If he pitches a game against the Orioles this year and Nick Markakis lines one to Nick Punto, and I'm liveglogging said game, I'm shutting down WoW forever.
Armando Galarraga, SP: The Little Cat! Allowed 28 tater dongs in '08 and finished fourth in the Rookie of the Year voting. The only Tigers pitcher worth his weight in tobacco.
David Purcey, SP: Despite his advanced age for a rook, this lefty will have a good shot of making the Blue Jays depleted rotation. Once drove clear across Missouri on a single tank of corn oil.