The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players born in 1985.
Andrew Miller, SP: Born in Gainesville, FL which means he probably can't spell. Talented Marlins lefty that has yet to fulfill his potential. Will look great pitching for another team once he finally does. Nickname "Insane Taquito."
Eric O'Flaherty, RP: Leader of bagpipe crustpunk outfit, "Menstruating On The Blarney Stone," O'Flaherty only appeared in 7 games last year for the Mariners, somehwow making them even worse.
Adam Jones, CF: With more tools than Bob Vila's whoreish ex-wife (she got half of everything in the divorce) Jones has a bright future ahead of him and was a sweet pickup for the Orioles in the Bedard trade. Much like you, he needs to improve his abilty to get to get on base to be the real deal.
Lastings Milledge, CF: Lastings Milledge is only 24? And he wasn't entirely crappy last year so maybe we should lay off him a little bit. Eh, it's ok. He plays for the Nationals so no one will see him anyway. Favorite Brady Bunch kid: Onion. When told there was no "Onion Brady" he stabbed me.
Ryan Sweeney, OF: Made the move from Chicago to Oakland in a covered wagon. Called it a tribute to Michael Landon.
Ryan Feierabend RP: Started 8 games, threw 38 innings, gave up 7 ding dongs. Should probably retire and buy an ice cream truck. Hates ladybugs.
Delmon Young, LF: Moved to Minnesota from Tampa Bay, which I think is a plot point in Benjamin Button. Is absolutely the meanest man in the Twin Cities since Lou Grant.
John Danks, SP: Gives up lots of hits. Strikes out plenty of guys. Thinks this guy on CNN wearing ear muffs under a fedora looks like a complete tool. I feel you, John Danks. I feel you.
Brandon Wood, IF: Know why he goes by Brandon? Because his real first name is Richard!. Click the b-r link, I'm not kidding! Dick Wood! Lollerskates. Walkoff Walk: Your Source For Trenchant Analysis.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C: The longest name in baseball history has been on the trading block since he arrived in Arlington. Will probably never be traded, and will spend his twilight years guarding the Rangers gift shop.
Carlos Gomez, CF: The Minnesota CF of the future needs to stop striking out so much. He should also stop telling everyone within earshot that he can only climax sexually if he's crying. Both of these things will come with maturity.
Jesse Litsch, SP: Has clause in his contract from Rogers that says if he makes 30 starts in 2009 he gets 6 months of free Starz.
Tyler Clippard, P: Appeared in two games for Washington Nationals last year, the same as comedienne Paula Poundstone.
Asdrubal Cabrera, IF: "Asdrubal" is Inca for Luis Rivera.
Ian Stewart, IF: Crashed Starship Enterprise into Coors Field. Smells like my uncle's finger. Slugged .455 last year in limited time.
Daric Barton, 1B:: Barton has spent the holidays bandied about in trade rumors. Was quoted as saying "Stop bandying me, you insensitive assholes." Hit 9 HR last year, will probably hit more this year.
Blake DeWitt, IF: First round draft pick shows that no matter how much your name sounds like a Soap Opera character you can still hit .167 in the playoffs. No relation to Joyce.
Sean Rodriguez, IF: Ranks 74th out of 987 possible infielders for The Angels in 2009. Hates the Dutch.
Emmanuel Burriss, IF: Lives with foster parents, George and Maam.
Justin Masterson, RP: Sinkerballer. Born in Kingston, Jamaica. Twin brother is that guy in the Red Stripe commercial.
Carlos Gonzalez, OF: Anticipating a big sophomore season. When drunk will argue the merits of the "criminally underrated, dude" second Better Than Ezra record, "Friction, Baby." Sees a correlation between these two things.
Jeff Samardzija, RP: Did something else before playing in the majors... I think it was vacuum sales. After Blagojevich impeachment, has least tarnished most complicated name in Illinois.
Gio Gonzalez, RP: Gave up 34 runs in 32 innings. Hails from Hialeah, FL which was recently named one of America's Most Boring Cities. Maybe he should move back and start serving up a shit ton of runs to the townsfolk.
Daniel Murphy, LF: Killed a panda bear with a Trampoline. Thinks everything is my fault. Had 62 TB in 49 games.