The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.
Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.
Today, in no particular order, we look at players born in 1973:
Casey Blake, 3B: Recently signed an extension with the Dodgers that will pay him until he is 38, or worth fewer wins over replacement than a dead retarded monkey. If I had one nice thing to say about Casey it's that he's a human being and doesn't deserve this sort of criticism from a blogger.
Geoff Blum, 3B: Now there's a man getting paid what he's worth! Is permanently enshrined in a bronze monument at New Comiskey for his 2005 World Series heroics. And you people make fun of the Yankees. Shame.
Mike Cameron, CF: One of a handful of players to smash four ding-dongs in a single game, missing the would-be record-setting fifth tater tot by a cat's whisker. Long considered one of the coolest dudes in baseball, an honor he will retain lest he become a Yankee.
Johnny Damon, CF: The poster child for baseball bloggers who rail against big contracts for aging folks at high-skill positions. Still managed to post a career-high 118 OPS+ last season and collect the second highest UZR among qualified AL left-fielders. So suck it.
Nomar Garciaparra, Util: Third cousin to Walkoff Walk patron saint Manny Garcia Parra. May be forced into early retirement because of the recent economic woes that are affecting other industries but are being used by baseball owners as a red herring to keep player salaries down.
Derek Lowe, SP: Signed an over-market deal with a desperate Braves team. A third starter in ace's clothing, Lowe will be praying for wormballs. Recently married that Dodgers TV personality chick he cheated on his wife with back in '05.
Trever Miller, RP: Flipped his excellent LOOGY 2008 postseason with the upstart Rays into a tidy $2 million deal with the Cardinals. Will be used exclusively to humiliate Prince Fielder in the 7th inning of every single St. Louis/Milwaukee tussle.
Guillermo Mota, RP: Another thirty-five-year-old offseason acquisition by the Dodgers! Most notable for his 50-game steroid suspension to start the 2007 season. Runs a financial software company on the side that totally predicted the market devaluation, and also makes a Tetris-like game called Schmetris.
Chan Ho Park, RP: Learned how to make the transition from starter to closer from Padre teammate Trevor Hoffman; saved three games for the WBC champion Korean team in 2006. Trevor Hoffman, if you really want to help the USA win, you'll put itching powder in Chan Ho's underoos next time.
Scott Schoeneweis, RP: New Jersey's own! Beat testicular cancer at age 19, which helped him deal with the sick nuts who call themselves Mets fans. Was the losing pitcher in the first and last games in Shea Stadium's final season.
Ichiro Suzuki, RF: Will almost certainly make the hall of fame and could potentially reach 3000 hits despite not playing a MLB game until age 27. Has 41 more career hits than Ozzie Guillen, who played baseball for 16 years and 29 more than Boog Powell who played for 17.
Mike Sweeney, 1B: Mike Sweeney needs work! If he receives no major league offers, Mike will join his father-in-law's gourmet chocolate company, but he better get in before the Valentines Day rush or the offer is OFF THE TABLE, Mr. Bigtime Baseball Player!
Julian Tavarez, RP: Another soon-to-be 36-year-old free agent. Got DFA'd by two different teams during 2008. Good news, Julian! You probably won't get DFA'd in 2009 because you won't make any roster to begin with! Silver linings, chap!
Dmitri Young, DH: Spent the last two years as a Warshington National and yet I cannot imagine the man playing any position except none position. Played just 38 games at first last year and made a whopping 7 errors. Was charged with 3 extra errors when he put ketchup on his hot dog. Literally, you pervert.
Chris Coste, C: Has probably sold 10,000 times as many books than he got postseason at-bats (5) with the Phillies last postseason. Will probably make 10 times as much money for signing the inevitable movie deal than he'll ever make as a baseball player. He's A Coste to Moste.