Walkoff Walk Presents the BONILLA Projection System: Age 29

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The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players born in 1980.

Josh Beckett, SP: Angrier then a one legged buck, fiercer than a prairie dog with an extra tooth, more competitive than an armadillo in a grocery bag, and steady as an oil rig. Born in Texas.

Cesar Izturis, SS: Mostly healthy for the first time since 2004, Izturis still didn't live up to the expectations set for him by Moses in the Old Testament. Which reminds me, doesn't anyone else think it was weird that Moses talked about Cesar Izturis in the Old Testament?

Shane Victorino, CF: Had a bigger breakthrough with the average fan than probably any other player in baseball, including both ROYs. Chuckie Carr did that once, too.

Jonny Gomes, OF: Roided out unemployed thug. Had one good year and is still trying to make a living off of it. This is the only thing he has in common with Scarlett Johanssen.

Bobby Crosby, SS: Former ROY has more back problems than Superstar Billy Graham. Has struggled for the type of consistency that I have. The kind that allows me to make a classic wrestling reference in every BONILLA.

Noah Lowry, SP: Busted in his early teens for an elaborate ruby heist, he was shuffled off to Chino to spend the rest of his life in jail. After breaking out of the pen using fishing line and a diaper pin, he hopped a northern freighter out of Chula Vista. This is how he ended up in the Giants rotation. Has a TV character name.

Dan Haren, SP: Coming off of the best season of his career, Daniel John Haren would appreciate it if you'd stop calling him "Wee Danny." Has folk duo with Bram from The Elephant Show.

Kevin Correia, SP: Now a full time starter after several years in the pen. Collects truck stop lighters. Not as a hobby but in case the impending robot invasion involves some sort of sun blocking tactic.

Ryan Madson, RP: Fireballer had a coming out party in last year's playoffs. Nicknamed "Mad Dog." Presumably by a 3 year old.

Jose Bautista, UTIL: YOU SET OFF THE BAUTISTALARM! RING RING RING RING RING!!!11!

Joe Blanton, SP: Country Joe seemed a most underwhelming deadline deal for the Phillies last summer. Proved to be kinda whelming as the season progressed. Just reupped for $5.5M. Using it on hoes and rakes.

Nick Swisher, 1B: Won't be a true Yankee until he lowers batting average under .200 but hits some meaningless ground rule double in a playoff game or something. Kind of looks like a Yankee fan anyway.

Brad Hennessey, RP: Former blue chip prospect pitched just 17 games for Giants last year and struggled. Blames difficulties on sleep deprivation from playing too much Schmetris.

Brendan Harris, IF: Slap hitting infielder best known for roles in School Ties and Airheads. Acquired from Rays in Matt Garza deal, was annoyed by Garza just passing him in midair on a plane.

Matt Holliday, OF: Drafted in '98, but didn't make the pros until 2004. New member of the Oakland A's. Should resurrect forearm bash with Jason Giambi. Hopefully this remake will be more entertaining than Blues Brothers 2000.

Chris Shelton, 1B: Had a couple good years with the Tigers. Middle name is "Bob." That's easy to remember.

Scott Hairston, OF: Member of the Fabulous Flying Hairstons, Scott has more pop in his bat then any other Hairston. I think it's RC Cola, but I could be wrong.

John Buck, C: Part time catcher with the Royals. I think I'd rather tell people I was a blogger.

Cha Seung Baek, RP: Last season, he went from the Mariners to the Padres, flew over all of the good teams on the West Coast. Cried.

Jonathan Papelbon, RP: A powder keg with a flat top and an arm that could burst into flames at any second. Signed a one year deal with the Red Sox for the 2009 season. BOLD PREDICTION: It will be his last season with the club. Along with Martin Scorcese helped to bring the Dropkick Murphys into the public's consciousness... ten years too late.

Mike Jacobs, 1B: Part of that historic tater totting Marlins infield. Was a 38th round draft pick. Not the same Mike Jacobs that played from 1902-1902. Strikes out a lot. Old school.

Rich Hill, SP: Pitched 5 games last year. Smells like a Thai hooker.

Skip Schumacher, OF: Racked up 163 hits last year in his first full season. Has the good sense to go with Skip over his real name, Jared. Skips are more likable while Jareds are more likely to hit you with their surfboard and grope your girlfriend.

Kelly Shoppach, C: One of the brightest spots of the Indians' disappointing 2008. Slugged .517 but had more Ks than hits and walks combined.

Mike Fontenot, 2B: Fell out of the sky. Lives in an igloo.

Chien-Ming Wang, SP: Taiwan's favorite son and one time Yankee ace. Spent most of last season injured. Figures to spend most of this season being overlooked. Unil AJ Burnett spends most of this season injured.

Jose Veras, RP: Appeared in 60 games last season.Averaged more than a K per inning, making him a valuable stopper. Calls everyone "Jeff." Everyone.

Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP: The Human Heart attack. Barring injury he figures to continue getting better, and make a serious run at being the Sox' #1. Favorite Marvin Gaye Record? "Here, My Dear." Good choice.

Dan Uggla, 2B: One of the best hitting middle infielders in baseball. Strikes out more than you at Pizzeria Uno happy hour. Middle name, Cooley. That's rad.

Fred Lewis, LF: Over 200 TB and 21 SB last season. Most underrated Fred in California.


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13 Comments

Jonny Gomes released an album of Tom Waits covers?

Wang is from Taiwan, not South Korea. That's like saying Kris Liakos' ancestry is Serbian because they have shitty cuisine too.

It says Taiwan you hipster doofus.

Good edit, sir.

Moses talked about all kinds of stuff.

CTC, I believe you are the hipster doofus of this blog. You have a striking resemblance to Kramer

Johnny Gomes must have a spectactular set of... personality?

I don't care what anyone tries to tell me: Scarlett Johannsen is ugly. She looks like a pasty down's syndrome kid with huge tits.

Schmetris swept through the minor leagues like meth through a farm town.

Fartie,

I met her mom and the future is dark for Scarlett if she goes down the same path.

Kelly Shoppach is projected to get more time behind the plate this year with Victor Martinez spending time at first base. So we got that going for us.

Chuckie Carr also hacked on 2-0

See? Chief knows what I am talking about.

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