Your Swingin' BBWAA Awards Roundup: No Shucking And Jiving, Just Cool Customers

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Hey, Champ. Miss out on the BBWAA's annual Big Apple shindig last night? Cool it, see. Your man on the scene was a fly on the wall* for the whole thing. Here's just a taste of what you missed:

  • The night doubled as David Wright's coming out party as Yuk Master.

    Approaching the podium to accept an award honoring his commitment to charity work, first took a moment to shoot a glance in either direction. On his right sat Cole Hamels, and on his left sat Brad Lidge, two of the greatest reasons why the Phillies are the reigning World Series champions.

    "I'd like to personally welcome Cole and Brad to New York," Wright said, drawing a roar from both the crowd and the Phillies. "It's always nice to see you guys."

    Pow right to the kisser, you sons of bitches! Look out Jackie Mason, there's a new funny guy in Gotham and he's hot on your trail.

  • All major awards were handed out (MVPs, ROYs, Cy Youngs and MOYs) and the only one of the 8 winners not to show up was King Hepcat himself, Joe Maddon. On a night where the Campari was flowing like water, The Main Ray was a glaring omission indeed. He did some sort of video transmission from a papazan chair in his bungalow. That's what I call the OFFseason! My brand is Lucky Strike!

  • But he wasn't the only star missing from this veritable Milky Way of machismo and frivolity. Johnny Damon wasn't there to win his "Good Guy Award" and Lefty Lothario Johan Santana missed out on his "Toast Of The Town Award." That's what they get giving it to a foreigner anyway. Probably visa issues. To the moon, Alice!

  • Mike Mussina received the Casey Stengel "You Could Look It Up" Award, and the crowd chanted "One more year!" Yes, I did say that this was a crowd full of sportswriters, but don't fret. We all need to let loose once in awhile. If we didn't we'd all go a little fruity and start punching kids in the face like Bing Crosby. Yeah right, like my voice is anywhere near as good as Bing's! Goodnight, Gracie!

  • "Wright's new buddies Lidge and Hamels presented awards to each other -- Lidge gave Hamels the Babe Ruth Award for World Series MVP, and Hamels gave Lidge the Sid Mercer-Dick Young "Player of the Year" Award. And both Bernie Williams and Ed Kranepool won the "Willie, Mickey and the Duke" Award for playing the most games at the refurbished Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium, respectively."

    Speaking of foreigners, what the hell does any of that mean? If Sid Mercer really thinks Brad Lidge was the Player of the Year, he's been spending too much time on The Cavalcade of Stars! I feel like I'm back in Iwo Jima. Habla English please! And is this "Willie, Mickey and the Duke" award given out every year? To the same two guys? Color me confused.

I'm gonna need to dictate the rest of this column sitting down! Lydia, bring me a tonic water!

*read about it.

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Why wasn't the "Willie, Mickey and the Duke" award given to Messrs. Bloomquist, Mouse and Elijah? I demand a recount!

I have an urge to Choose - Burma - Shave.

In MLB's brief write-up, I count no less than four awards who are named after two or more people, which somehow serves to make the awards even less relevant.

I'm sure that Ben Epstein and Dan Castellano were both good guys, but pick one and go with it. If they're such good guys, one won't mind being left out.

The "William J. Slocum-Jack Lang Award for long and meritorious service" is code for an award for urinating on rookies.

Also, if Pat Burrell ever wants to know what his face will look like in 20 years, introduce him to Greg Maddux.

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