Barry Bonds Documents Unsealed; Make Famous Tupperware Burp Noise

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It's been an eventful week or so in the lives of two of our most famous steroid linked baseball legends. First there was that thing with Roger Clemens getting Icy Hot rubbed all over his Jackson to gain an extra edge. Then Brian McNamee (who for some reason I always picture looking like Cousin Oliver) said he has a syringe with a bunch of Rocket's DNA in it. Clemens' steroid news may be way sexier than anyone else's, but from a legal standpoint it's been developments with Barry Bonds that have the most implications.

Court documents in his perjury trial were unsealed yesterday shedding some daylight on things that heretofore had just been rumored about. There's a tape recording and transcript of a conversation between Greg "Balco" Anderson and Barry's personal assistant. The weirdest part about that whole thing is that it was made by the assistant because he wanted to prove to Bobby Bonds that his son was on steroids. Bizarre. No wonder Barry has been trying to get his mind off things by partying with Rinku and Dinesh.

There is also the matter of some drug tests from 2003 that show evidence of steroid use. The drug present, THG, had yet to be profiled by MLB testers so it was never flagged. According to our good friend Will Carroll, this is where the newest PR nightmare is going to come from.

Drug testing works like a mug book on Law & Order. The witness flips through a book and when they see the face, they point. If the picture isn't there, they won't find it. Drug tests look for drugs they know and have the chemical profile for. (It's more technical than this, but that's the basic metaphor.) Since THG was unknown and no test existed, it wasn't found. Once it was known, the profile was added and it was easily detected.

What's more interesting is that the master list of players that tested positive is in the possession of the IRS, seized as part of a raid on Comprehensive Drug Testing. I won't get into the constitutional or legal issues here, but with some of the evidence about to be unsealed heading into Bonds' trial, that list may well come public. Whether it's 96 or 103 - the number varies depending on your source - there's going to be names that weren't included in the Mitchell Report, which was not given access to that seized 'master list.' If not unsealed, well, nothing else in this case has stayed secret long.

So there you go! We'll get a whole new list of names which will invariably contain one or two guys who go out of their way to prove their innocence. They'll be shown up as liars and we'll have to hear about their syringe habits and testicular inflammatories of choice during their trial. Which will inevitably lead to more names. And so goes the MLB steroid scandal, with a longer half life than plutonium.



Plutonium... 1.21 gigawatts... the flux capacitor fluxxing? Oh, no! It's the Libyans!

I'm sure that in 1985 plutonium is available in every corner drugstore.

there's going to be names that weren't included in the Mitchell Report, which was not given access to that seized 'master list.'

People are going to leak fake lists just like Bonnaroo and Coachella

Little known fact: a Deloran's worth of plutonium came with Mantronix: The Album.

Bonds' Body-Building Behavior Bites Back
Legitimate Legacy Lacking

I don't get it, Mickey Rooney does the steroids and gets nominated for the Oscar. Barry Bonds does the steroids and gets EVERY TRENCHCOAT-WEARING HAMBURGER-EATING FED BREATHING DOWN HIS UNUSUALLY LARGE NECK.

Annnnnnnd I meant Mickey Rourke. Dammit.

FACT: Mickey Rooney uses Rogaine on his eyebrows.

"a longer half life than plutonium."

Are we talking about plutonium-241 with a 14 year half-life or plutonium-239 with a half-life of 24,100 years?

Surreptitious Slugger of Spheroids not Solitary Steroid Shooter; Subsequent Series of Supplementary Spurious Sinners Should be Sizable.

We've removed the Master List from these unsuspecting bloggers and replaced it with the Yankee roster. Let's see if they can tell the difference.

You forgot the "Boom, Roasted"

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