Baseball Before Bedtime: Stop It

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Hey kids, here's what happened on exhibition baseball's first day back:

Marlins 5, Dodgers 5 (10): Florida committed four errors (including one by Senor Oopsiehands himself, Dan Uggla) causing team president Larry Beinfest to sarcastically exclaim, ''More runs than errors, we'll take it as a positive." Oh, the snark in Jupiter FLA is so thick you could use it as a hot dog condiment. Hanley Ramirez tater-totted while the Cardinals stranded 14 runners. Shame they didn't play on, a spring training walkoff walk woulda been keen.

Padres 4, Mariners 3 (10): Walkoff Walk favorite Kyle Blanks laced an RBI hit in the bottom of the tenth to send his Padres to a win over Seattle in a battle of last year's lovable losers. No, Ken Griffey Jr. did not play and no, Geoff Baker did not get the express written consent of Major League Baseball to retransmit the game-winning hit on YouTube.

Athletics 3, Brewers 3 (10): Seriously, three games went to the tenth inning yesterday and only one ended in a victory. That's like getting real drunk at a party and making out with three hot girls only to find out that one of them was your second cousin and one was your first cousin. Gross. Trevor Hoffman made his Brewer debut and pitched a scoreless seventh, while new Oakland slugger Matt Holliday went 1-for-3.

Cubs 5, Dodgers 3: Micah Hoffpauir collected a king-dong in the fifth to topple L.A. but the big news in Dodgerland is the team's reported two-year offer to hijo prĂ³digo Manny Ramirez. Forty-five million dollarinos? Sounds like a deal to me. You know how many grills that could buy?

Yankees 6, Blue Jays 1: Alex Rodriguez tater-totted and that drug burro pseudo-cousin of his was in attendance, but to me, the real story was Brett Gardner's leadoff ding-dong off lithe left limb owner Brett Cecil. Face it Lloyd, our Brett is better'n your Brett.

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I owe Phillas a shot of Jameson. I ask that no one tell my fiancee that I bet on pre-season baseball.

Pirates 8, Phillies 2
A coworker actually complained about yesterday's effort from the WFC. I then gouged his eyes out with my Commissioner's Trophy replica paperweight.

There should just be a running tab of bets and by the time the Heist comes around everyone will owe everyone about 41 shots.

I'd like to point out that the Royals had a starter who couldn't get out of the first, in part because of two errors by the second baseman who's never played second base before. So, like, can't we just start the season now? I think we're ready.

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