GREETINGS INTER NET READERS FROM CHIPPER JONES

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chipperjones.JPG

ATTENTION INTERNET BLOG DIRECTORS:

SO I FLIPPED OPEN THE FREE CALENDAR THAT REMINGTON SENT ME AND I SAW THAT TODAY IS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS LADIES BLOG. SO IN OTHER WORDS THAT MEANS IT BEEN 350 DAYS AND NO REAL GUY HAS EVER WRITTEN ANYTHING ON HERE WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS A GOOD PLACE AND WE CANT HAVE A BUNCH OF FLY BY NIGHTERS RUNNING AROUND WRITING DUMB STORIES. ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE BALL GAME THAT I LOVE BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE RUINED AND THAT WOULD BE A LOSS. SO THERE IS NO TIME LIKE NOW FOR ME TO GET INVOLVED SO HERE GOES. I TRIED TO FIGURE WHAT YOU JERKS WOULD MOST LIKE TO READ BUT THEN AGAIN WE DONT SHARE COMMON INTERESTS I BET BECAUSE I DO THINGS LIKE HUNT AND HIT 400 AND WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS AND YOU GUYS BAKE CRACKERIES AND LISTEN TO SONGS SUNG BY CHICK BANDS AND WEAR CAT SHIRTS. SO I GUESS I WOULD SAY YOU SHOULD WISE UP THAT SEEMS PRETTY OBVIOUS.

SO GATHER AROUND AS OL CHIP TELLS YOU WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THIS GAME OF HIS. FIRST OFF THE PLATE WE HAVE THE WEATHER I MEAN WHAT OTHER GAME DO YOU GET TO PLAY OUTSIDE IN THE SUNSHINE AND SOAK UP THE RAYS LIKE A LAZY DOG? HOCKEY NOPE BASKETBALL NOPE FOOTBALL NOT ALWAYS. AND WHEN IT RAINS THEY DONT ALWAYS LET US PLAY BUT SOME TIMES THEY DO WHICH IS LIKE A GUESSING GAME AND WE ALL KNOW VARIETY IS THE FLAVOR OF LIFE.

SO THEN THE SECOND PART OF THE BEST STUFF IS THE FREE STUFF. I MEAN DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE THE PEOPLE OF ATLANTA WHO ARE OUR FANS AS MUCH AS THE NEXT TOM DICK OR HARRY. BUT SERIOUSLY YOU BUMS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH FREE GOODIES WE GET JUST FOR BEING SUPER BALL PLAYERS. SEEDS GLOVES BATS BALLS MEALS AIRPLANE RIDES YOU NAME IT JACK WE ARE GETTING IT GOOD. SO 9 MONTHS A YEAR I LIVE HIGH ON THE PIG. OH AND THE THREE MONTHS THAT I HAVE OFF THE GOOD PEOPLE AT CABELAS SHOW ME A GOOD TIME LIKE IM SOME KIND OF HUNTING AMBASSADOR ITS WILD.

AND LAST BUT NOT LESS THE THIRD ITEM IN OUR COUNTDOWN IS THE OTHER FELLAS. I CANT BEGIN TO LIST THE GUYS WHO I THINK WILL BE THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN. SMOLTZY MAD DOG TOMMY YUNYELL JAVY LOPEZ BRAD HAWPE I MEAN ALL OF THEM ARE MY BEST DUDES. WELL NOT JAVY HOWD HE SLIP IN THERE. OH WELL YOU GET THE POINT DONT BE SO CRITICAL.

SO MY ADVICE FOR THIS WEBPAGE WOULD BE TO MAN UP SOMETIMES AND NOT WHINE. LESS RECIPES WOULDNT HURT EITHER IF I WANT TO COOK I'LL READ THE BACK OF A BEER CAN. ANYWAY KEEP DONG WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO AND I WILL KEEP GIVING 112 PERCENT ON THE DIAMOND. PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT AND I MIGHT EVEN CHECK IN FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN IM NOT DOING BETTER STUFF LIKE TAILGATING AT RASCAL FLATTS OR TAKING DOWN HUGE BEASTS WITH A BOW LIKE AN INDIAN.

PLAYYYYYYBALLLLLLLL. <-------THAT WAS FROM THE SANDLOT MOVIE IN CASE YOU DIDNT GET THE HUMOR.


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25 Comments

I think you have enough money to buy your own damned seeds.

I...have no response. That was perfect. Wow.

I had to look up what a "CABELAS" was. I initially thought it was the Spanish word for "goat's head".

I'm a little surprised (and heartened) that Larry thought to mark the one-year anniversary on his calendar. Say what you will, the guy has heart.

Another athlete embraces the blogosphere. Kind of brings a tear to my eye.

[slow clap]

I cannot believe Chipper didn't mention all the free dip and chewing tobacco

SO YOU GET FREE WHATNOW. THE ONLY THIN

I GET IS THAT I DONT GET ANY RESPECT SO I GET A BURNING DESIRE TO PROVE MY SEPTICS WRONG THAT THEY ARE RIGHT.

WELL I USED TO I MEAN I DONT PLAY HEY CHIP GIVE ME A CALL AND WE CAN GO TO BEST BUY AND

PLAY WE FIT.

]TODD

[joins slow clap with Clare]

Holy. Frigging. Crap. That was brilliant. Whoever wrote that deserves a pan of lasagna.

I could never write as well as Chipper Jones. This is brilliant and poignant and everything good as gold. Thanks again, Larry.

HI TODD I KNEW IF I WROTE IT WOULD BRING YOU OUT OF THE WOODWORK HOW IS RETIREMENT YOU OLD COOT.

GLAD EVERYONE IS ENJOYING THIS BUT THE HEART OF THE MATTERS IS THAT WE RESPECT OUR GRAND OLD GAME. AND STOP WEARING CAT SHIRTS NOT SURE IF I MADE MYSELF CLEAR ON THAT.

Brilliant, per usual. I am currently throwing out all my CAT SHIRTS.

Next step: CHIPPER JONES ADVISE COLUMN

Dear CHIPPER JONES,

What is the best animal to hunt?

Regards,
Colonel

BAKE CRACKERIES AND LISTEN TO SONGS SUNG BY CHICK BANDS AND WEAR CAT SHIRTS.

How could he know???

Hey CHIPPER, are you going to play this year or are you going to cry off every other week with some ouchie? Or do you just like being called a creampuff by Iracane?

Chipper, how many Dave & Buster's game cards are in your wallet, right at this moment?

Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother flipping Jesus.

No words ... they should've sent ... oh, they did.

If you grew up in upstate NY you or someone you know has ordered from the Cabela's catalog.

Great post, awful tough talk by a guy who goes by the name "Chipper"

The parody of Mr. Jones and the reality are actually pretty similar. Check out his "ABOUT CHIPPER" on his official site. If it were all in caps, it would be pretty much what we expect here at WoW.

I came to this conclusion after I skimmed it and got to "After ninth grade . . ." in the FIFTH paragraph.

Never heard of Cabelas? Then where do y'all shop for your guns?

@Jayhak
K-mart. Duh

Jayhawk: on a side street off the Hunts Point Market late at night.

Always great to hear from Larry.
And I'll take his advice and 'keep dong whatever it is you do.'

@Colonel

It's actually just another in the long line of WoW player parodies that rub closer to reality than anything ever presented by any other MLB source. How long had Rob and Kris been making jokes about how much of a hipster foodie Joe Madden was before it came out that he is, indeed, a hipster foodie who festoons his clubhouse with quotes by Camus?

Delicious.

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