Thursday Afternoon Press Box Semiglog Club: Astros vs. Braves

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Afternoon, kids. I'm coming to you LIVE! from the press box of Champion Stadium at Walt Disney World in Orlando. It's the Spring home of the Atlanta Braves and today they'll be taking on the Astros of Houston. I'm enjoying a complimentary Sprite. Your starting lineups and a recap of my morning thus far. After the jump.

This game is being broadcast on ESPN if you wanna follow along on TV. I met Karl Ravech. Nice guy. I watched BP on the field. That was neat. I went into the Braves locker room to interview a few guys. Tim Hudson, Brian McCann and Garrett Anderson were all very cool. Derek Lowe wasn't. But hey whatcha gonna do. More on all that later. I figure I'll do about three innings then my computer might explode from the heat. Now I know why the veteran press guys sit in the second row.

Your starting lineups:

braveswhiteboard.jpg


12:54: Braves fans are obsessed with Chipper Jones. Jorge Campillo on the mound today.

12:55: Adam Vinatieri throwing out the first pitch. Escorted to the mound by Mickey Mouse. Thank god I don't do drugs.

1:05: First pitch is grounded to short, but beat out for an infield single. Jason Michaels up.

1:06: David Ross gins down whoever that was leading off in a steal attempt. Jason MIchaels doubles to left.

1:07: Lance Berkman is up. Put on quite the display in the cage. This sun is making my Sprite hot.

1:11: There are two female reporters on either side of me keeping score. I feel kind of lame for not keeping score myself. But I don't feel like getting up. Tejada up. I'm gonna get a sunglass tan, I can feel it.

1:14: Tejada hits a rocket to the left center gap. RBI ground rule double. The aforementioned women on either side of me work for the Astros. Apparently I've been pronouncing JR Towles name incorrectly for over a year. It's "TOALS" Base hit for Newhan. Drives in two. 3-0 Astros.

1:18: Astros player name I keep hearing, Brian Bogusevic. Former first round pick as a pitcher. Now is an outfielder who can apparently rake. May make the team out of camp, but will almost certainly see time with the club this year. I refuse to get food from the buffet. That's way too sportswritery. The Sprite will be just fine, thanks.

1:20: Oh, holy crap I'm watching Roy Oswalt pitch. He just struck that guy out. Kelly Johnson is up now.

1:22: Strikes out Kelly Johnson, too. CHIPPER GET OFF YOUR LAP TOP, YOU'RE UP!!!

1:23: Chipper strikes out too. That's karma for being a troll. Oswalt looked awesome but like my Dad always says, "Pitchers are always ahead of hitters this early. Go shave." Well not the shave part doesn't apply but you get it.

1:26: Chris Johnson hits a rocket that riccochets of Chippers glove for a base hit. Not a good start for Campillo or Larry so far.

1:29: Humberto Quintero strikes out. I've been pronouncing his name wrong TOO. I was saying it "Tom Smith." Darin Erstad is up. DID YOU KNOW HE USED TO PLAY ROUNDERS?

1:34: Sorry technical difficulties. THAT GUY FROM A&E TOLD ME THE SPRINT CONNECT THING HAD INTERNET ANYWHERE! On this day in 1935 the Yankees released Babe Ruth... and they never won another World Series.

1:36: This direct sunlight is making my computer wicked hot. Some dude just grounded out. Yunel Escobar is up. Must. Not. Eat. Buffet. Wrap. Sandwich.

1:37: Oswalt absolutely drills Escobar. He's walking gingerly down the first base line brining up Frenchy. Oswalt always struck me as the kind of guy that would take Spring seriously. Frenchy grounds out to third.

1:40: David Ross jacks a 2 run Ding Ding to left. 3-2 Astros.

1:44: That inning ended while I was in the bathroom. Matt T gets his wish, Tommy Hanson in for The Braves.

1:47: Hanson just hit some guy. Dude are we gonna get a spring brawl? Awesome.

1:50 John Gall drives in Carlos Lee. 4-2 Astros. HANSON DONT LOOK SO HOT, MATTIE BOY.

1:51: The excitement in a Spring Training game has the lifespan of a gnat. Chris Johnson sacrifices to deep center. 5-2 Astros. Tom Smith is up.

1:53: Tom Smith grounds out to end the inning. It's the middle of the third. We'll do the bottom of this inning then it's time for all of us to get back to work, eh?

1:56: You'll see it next week after I put up some photos of my travels, but this stadium has a very cool hill right behind the left field wall in lieu of bleachers. Lay out a blanket and relax. I can dig that. Maybe I will for the second half of the contest. p>1:59: Greg Norton wants to escalate this beanball war so badly that he just fouled a ball of the inside of his calf. HE'S TRYING TO INCITE A RIOT.

2:03: CHIPPER JONES JUST ALMOST HIT A FOUL BALL AT ME IN THE PRESS BOX. Some fan caught it like two rows in front of me. I mean... that really is someone pretending to be Chipper in the comments and not really him right?

2:06: It's top of the fourth now. Fine. Fine. I'll go look at the buffet. Erstad lines out to second. Another One Bites The Dust plays. Funky.

2:09: Berkman bloops to center. Two guys on. Now batting for the Astros: Mark Saccomano. Is he related to Bob? Does he sell rat hats? Break out the "almost all my Tv references are ten years old" tag!

2:13: Tejada flies out to left to end that half inning. My computer is going to overheat and I'm getting hungry. Hope you all enjoyed the most professional thing we've ever done! Enjoy the rest of your afternoon and I'll talk to you all tomorrow from the Cards/Mets game in Port St. Lucie.


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58 Comments

"I'm enjoying a complimentary Sprite"

what no complimentary hot dog and bag of potato chips?

Get Chipper's attention and to the little pointy guns thing.

ENJOY YOUR CITRUS FLAVORED CORN SYRUP

Braves fans are obsessed with Chipper Jones.

Guilty. And after today, we'll be obsessed with Hanson

I'm listening to Milo Hamilton and Dave Raymond on the ol' XM Radio.

Complimentary Sprite? Well lah-di-dah Mr. Big Shot. Kind of hard to read this blog when you are sending it in from so high on your horse.

Is this real live proper journalism? Wow, Wowies.

NEWSFLASH on YES, Teixiera is NOT a Pitcher, NOT a pitcher.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SOME KIND FEW SPY I AM GONNA SEND CAMPILLO INTO THE CLUBHOUSE TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDNT RIFLE THROUGH MY RIFLE BAG YOU SONOFAGUN. SERIOUSLY I HAVE NO CAT SHIRTS SO JUST LEAVE ME BE LET ME LIVE MY LIFE

OH AN STOP DRINKING ALL OF THE SPRITE DIDNT YOU SEE THE SIGN THAT SAYS TALENT ONLY I PUT IT THERE AS A GOOF ON THE BEAT GUYS BUT NOW I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT IT TALENT ONLY

Did McCann like your garfield shirt?

Throw a trident at Tejada. ROIDER! AGE-LIAR!

Wow...first they let bloggers in the box, now women reporters? What a country!

Rob, from now on I demand that all of your liveglogs be conducted from the stands of the stadium where the game is being played. Kris is on to something here. STEP YA BUDGET UP.

Ask one of the female reporters how to keep score, then offer to share your Sprite.

DO I NEED TO GET THE DIGITS FOR YOU?

In Russia, Sprite drinks YOU!

Ask the nice ladies if they've ever gone parachuting with Ed Wade. ASK THEM

PUT IN HANSON

MMMMMMBOP BOP BOP DOO BOP DOOBY DOP BOP DOO WOP

That guy is Schafer, who got suspended for HGH last year

I hear they have lettuce wraps at the buffet. Be forewarned, though. There's a hot dog and potato chips inside that lettuce.

Kris Liakos: Taking "Liveglog" To A Whole New Level Since About A Half An Hour Ago.

Did you get any phone numbers yet? Rawr!

Show those fillies your Twitter.

Go eat some of the raw broccoli and black bean dip at the buffet, and then on your way out of the press box, cut a wicked gasser and then lock all the chuckleheads in.

HOW DARE YOU FOOL ON ME AND PRETEND LIKE YOU COULD HAVE MADE HAY WITH THE LASERPOP THAT SUCKER SMACKED MY WAY. YOU COULDN'T CATCH THAT IF YOU HAD A BIG NET THAT YOU COULD USE TO HELP YOU CATCH THAT. MAYBE IF YOU WERE SOMETHING NOT LIKE A MASSIVE NANCY YOU COULD SCAM ON THOSE BROADS NEXT TO YOU BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT TIME AFTER TIME YOURE JUST IN IT FOR CAT SHIRTS AND FANCY FOODS AND NOT IN IT TO WIN IT LIKE OL CHIP. GOTTA GO PLAY BALLLL NOW

OMG HANSON

OMGGOMGOMGOMGOMG

I always found the buffet popcorn and / or soft pretzel to be a suitable compromise—but make no mistake, it's a slippery slope.

Kris is going to ride that slippery slope all the way down into a kiddie pool full of Twinkies and soggy french fries.

All I can think about is gyro. Thanks a lot Rob.

/tears garments

The Astros announcers are discussing whether or not The Honeymooners and Abbott and Costello humor still holds up.

The Honeymooners still stands up, just ask Chris Brown and Rhianna

Hey, CHIPPER, did you hear that? Steve Phillips loves you AND hates you!

So what's on the buffet

Rob, your name was mentioned today over at kissing suzy kolber.

That explains why my ears were burning!

Wow, a liveglog even shorter than one of my own.

Good work, Pressbox Paul.

WHAT'S ON THE BUFFET?!?!

Bean me? No, bean you! Bean you and this whole city and everyone in it.

Bean the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back.

Bean squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job!

Bean the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores and stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. Slow the fuck down!

Bean the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.

Bean the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?

Bean the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from!

Bean the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!

Bean Roy Oswalt, whining malcontent.

Bean Chipper Jones, my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass.

Bean Garrett Anderson. I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back. Sold me up the river. Fucking bitch.

Bean my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar. Sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen and cheering the Bronx Bombers.

Bean this whole city and everyone in it. From the row houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage. Let it burn to fuckin ash then let the waters rise and submerge this whole, rat-infested place.

Might be an easier question: What ISN'T on the buffet?

It's 5-2 Astros in the fifth inning by the by.

ESPN just showed a kid no older than seven in the stands with a mohawk. Shouldn't he be in school or something?

Allen Ginsbean?

Not in school on a Thursday with a mohawk? I bet that kid gets to stay up until 11pm and eat candy for dinner.

For the record:

Sierra Mist > Sprite > Mountain Dew

For the record, Chief Wahoo is wrong.

Dew > Mello Yello > Sprite > Cat Urine > back sweat > Sierra Mist

miss u Surge

I gave up soda almost 5 years ago. Don't miss it.
Try taking away my beer and I'll cut you.

OMG Matty Berry is dropping fantasy dimes during the ESPN telecast! He thinks A-rod will be good this year!
...scribblescribblescribble...

CHAAAAAAAMMMMMPIONSHIIIIIIIIIP

Side note - Ravech doesn't know what fantasy baseball is.

Jason Michaels still roams the ballfields of America? Dang!

Mountain Dew = nectar of the gods

Red Mountain Dew = Hawaiian Kick In The Nuts

He's like the Buffalo, Juancho. Leaner than he looks and hard to kill.

flavored seltzer > every other carbonated beverage other not named beer.

also, NYY 2, TB 0 in the 5th

flavored seltzer > every other carbonated beverage other not named beer.

also, NYY 2, TB 0 in the 5th

Dew is better than Mist? What kind of ghetto site is this? Next thing you'll tell me Dr. Pepper is better than Mr. Pibb. And I wouldn't feed Mello Yello to my dog.

Melvin Moore?

Whoooooooo?

Not one mention yet of "Squirt"? I think my wife's aunt is the only person I know who still buys it.

Possibly the worst name ever for a soda.

Uh, Chief Wahoo... you're on the internet. And the internet is full of nerds. WHERE'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW!?

@Chief
You should never feed soda to a dog, the caffeine could kill it. So your snobbery is actually compassion, Wahoo.

Shasta FTW.

BTW, I'm indebted to whoever suggested the Thomas Keller roast chicken recipe. I have mastered that thing.

If we're getting effete about our soda there is only one correct answer:

http://www.virgils.com/creamsoda.shtml

Of course that's wasted on you Dew-swilling heathens.