A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Basement Dwellers in the A.L. East from Being a Burden to Their Fans, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Division

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While discussing my A.L. East preview with resident weekend guy and Blue Jays fan Lloyd the Barber in the Walkoff Walk break room, I had a thought that might help the division reach its highest potential. The Blue Jays and the Orioles should combine their best parts and create a fourth super team in the division. After all, the Jays have an above average, deep rotation while the Orioles have the bats in the lineup to hang with the big three in the division. Just imagine how many games a team with both Roy Halladay and Nick Markakis could win! Maybe even 90!

Of course, there are obstacles to this happening. To that end, I propose the following:

  • The Orioles offense packs their bags and heads for the border. You're going to switch places with the Jays offense to create a supergroup in Toronto called the Bloorioles. The Bloorioles offense of Markakis, Adam Jones, and Matt Wieters will score 900 runs while the pitching staff of Halladay, Purcey, and Cecil will allow just 700, which should be good enough for 92 wins or so. Cito Gaston will remain as manager but J.P. Ricciardi will be replaced by a sentient ice cream cone with full control over roster moves and toppings.

  • This leaves an even shittier team in Baltimore, made up of original O's pitchers and Jays hitters. Sorry, Radhames Liz and Lyle Overbay, you're bunking together now! They will be called the LOLJays and will exist only to farm out 80 easy wins to the other four teams in the division. Sort of like human beings in the Matrix. Or not. I fell asleep in that movie. Fans will still show up for games because the stadium is decent enough, and the ticket prices have been lowered to 35 cents a seat. Also, free pit beef on weeknights.

  • The American League playoffs will now simply take the four best records in the league and ignore division winners. It is assumed, of course, that the Yankees, Sox, Rays, and Bloorioles will fill out these four spots, but if the A's sneak past the Sox, nobody will mind. Except the sentient ice cream cone, who has now been devoured by a peckish Theo Epstein.

  • At the end of the season, whichever team finishes in fourth place must gut its team of its worst players and merge them with the LOLJays in what will eventually become the worst team in baseball history. They'll make the 1899 Cleveland Spiders look like the 1976 Montreal freakin Canadiens.

It's a can't-miss plan that totally doesn't reek of homerism and possibly ill-fated hubris that will probably turn out to bite me in the ass later this year!

(I promise that after today, I will shut up and go back to the good old days when I wasn't allowed to write about the Yankees and Kris wasn't allowed to write about the Red Sox. I am a baseball fan first and a Yankees fan second and I owe it to our readers to provide fair and balanced coverage of every team. But really, I don't like Baltimore.)

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The American League playoffs will now simply take the four best records in the league and ignore division winners.

Aren't you ashamed to agree with Chuckles Steinbrenner on something?

It's not the first time. We both think the United States should eliminate any sales tax on buzzcuts and casual blazers.

Rob, bet me.

I don't bet with money, I only bet with hilarious pictures.

And then after this we can fuse A-Rod and Jeter into a player that people like, but is actually good at baseball.

Hey, I'm down with that.

You set the terms. B/C you will be losing.

Can't we just merge five crappy AL teams together? Then they can be the Kansas City VOLTRON!

I was raised by a pack of sentient ice cream cones.

Leaving Baltimore with Rad Liz and Overbay? Harsh. Is this because of Alan Mills?

businessorleisure wins for the super good photoshop.

If Phony Gwynn checks in with a comment on this post, this baseball blogosphere will have come full circle.

Also, if Pretzels' paltry prognosticating is good harbinger of things to come, the Blue Jays will be holding a runner-up ring ceremony on April 14, 2011.


Paltry? You callin' me a chicken?


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