Baseball Before Bedtime: Ain't No Sunshine

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Here's what happened in baseball yesterday when she was gone:

Padres 4, Cubs 2: Non-Cub and non-Brave Jake Peavy notched his first winter win with three innings of shutout ball. Facing a lineup of Cubs hitters was good preparation for his upcoming WBC stint since he will be called upon to fight angry bears when deployed in the Great White North of Canadia for Team USA. Don't forget to leave your wife home if she is menstruating, Jake.

White Sox 3, Dodgers 2: Chicago's new phenom shortstop Gordon Beckham should be at the top of your fantasy draft 2011. Oh, I fooled you all! Zing! Zing! Kid knocked a solo tater tot off former Expo Scott Strickland, part of a three-run ninth inning that propelled Ozzie Guillen's band of merry misfits to a come-from-behind win that nobody will ever remember because these are merely exhibition games.

Phillies 7, Braves 3: Hey Philadelphia fans still upset about possibly losing Chase Utley's April at-bats: fret no longer, because Marcus Giles is here to make you forget that Chumpley ever existed! The kid who was once afraid to drive to Vegas collected two hits and two runs and two stolen bases and totally showed up that loser Miguel Cairo (0-for-1? Hit the bricks, sister!) Brian McCann ding-donged off Chan Ho Park.

Red Sox 2, Twins 1: Believe me when I say that 2009 will be the year of the pitcher. Folks you never expected to succeed will be hitting corners and strikin' folks out with certain aplomb and guaranteeing future earnings beyond their wildest dreams. One of those gents is Kevin Slowey who held the Red Sox at bay through two perfect innings in a close loss. Hear me now and believe me later: Kevin Slowey is going to eat AL batters for breakfast in '09.

Giants 5, Brewers 2: In fact, 2009 is going to be so strong for pitchers that reigning NL Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum will throw at least four perfect games and twelve no-hitters while shutting out 94% of his opponents. It's like 1968 all over again except without the Elvis Presley comeback tour. Lincecum retired all nine batters he faced which is still a great accomplishment even though one of them was Trot Nixon.

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you forgot "former Georgia Bulldog" before Gordon Beckham

Just put Gordon Beckham in the Hall of Fame already.

He is the leading candidate to be my new favourite Beckham after David retires.

Bill Withers. Right. Everyone knows this is the real version.