Baseball Before Bedtime: Moanin'

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Here's what happened in baseball yesterday during the Ides of March:

Phillies 2, Cardinals 1: Are you hip to Chase Utley getting back to the Phils for Opening Day? Well the guy made it back to the big team's spring lineup and, despite going 0-for-2, his surgically repaired hip didn't explode or anything. Utley handled himself with aplomb in the field, making no errors. Raul Ibanez, on the other hand, was charged with an oopsie. Get used to it, Phils fans. (UPDATE: The Fightins' has footage of Ibanez' error)

Blue Jays 5, Reds 4 (10): Bobby Thigpen's son Curtis slammed a walkoff ding-dong in the tenth to lift Toronto in a game that saw them collect thirteen hits. Johnny Cueto seems to not have been hurt yet by pitching in the WBC. Blue Jay Jose Bautista went 3-for-3 and shook off hordes of autograph seekers after the game ended by escaping in a ovoidal titanium hoverpod. Note: Curtis Thigpen is not Bobby Thigpen's son. Not in this astral plane, at least.

Yankees 5, Twins 1: Jorge Posada remembered how to put his catchers gear on well enough to crouch behind the plate and help his pal Andy Pettitte smoke the Twinkies lineup. Oh, and Jorge went two-fer-two wit' two runs so you can push him up on your fantasy draft board just past Bengie Molina and under Ryan Doumit. Hideki Matsui hit a ball hard enough to bruise Twins pitcher Glen Perkins' leg but then healed it with an ancient Japanese method involving hot lava rocks and schoolgirl panties.

Tigers 3, Nationals 0: Good news, Tigers fans! Your team's pitchers combined on a tidy shutout! Good news, Tigers fans! Your team's pitchers threw seven strikeouts against just one walk. Bad news, though. It was against the hapless Nats lineup.

White Sox 15, Mariners 5: Garrett Olsen allowed five walks. Jose Contreras struck out Ken Griffey. Ozzie Guillen wrestled, killed, and ate a raccoon. Wilson Betemit smacked a happy jack. Three of these four things actually happened. I'll leave it to you to guess which one is completely false.


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