Baseball Before Bedtime: Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner

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Here's what happened in baseball yesterday as you were stalking through the night:

Braves 7, Phillies 2: Braves phenom Tommy Hanson showed up displaying his finest wares. Unfortunately for his opponent, the Phillies, his finest wares are 24 karat gold-plated strikeouts. In four innings, Hanson rung up seven Phils, including Jayson Werth on a nasty curve and Ryan Howard, despite falling behind 3-0 on the lumbering lad. Marcus Giles had two hits in the loss and still hasn't quit.

Red Sox 8, Rays 2: Young buck Justin Masterson looked masterful against the rival Rays, striking out three men in three scoreless innings and doing it all while wearing a white tuxedo with top hat and tails. Red Sox shortstop Julio Lugo continues to stake his claim for the starting job, going 3-for-3 with two RBI and still dragging around his bloated salary on a little red wagon all around Fort Myers.

Giants 10, A's 1: Video game spokesperson Randy Johnson had three and a third shaky but scoreless innings againt the A's while his teammates piled on ten runs on Dana Eveland and the split-squad Oakland bullpen. Left fielder Fred Lewis went 2-for-3 with a dubble and a triple, picking up two RBI and helping San Fran fans remember what it was like to have an outfielder who could slug a bit.

Twins 2, Orioles 0: Frenchy Liriano celebrated his new contract with four perfect innings against the supposedly strong starters of Baltimore. Liriano and five relievers combined to one-hit the O's; stud catcher Matt Wieters picked up the only single in the ninth inning while Twins OF Carlos Gomez clubbed a happy jack that provided the difference. Joe Nathan threw a perfect inning that would have meant a lot more had he done it in the ninth for Team USA on Saturday.

Marlins 9, Cardinals 8: Florida survived an eight-run fifth by the Cards and scored five unearned runs thanks to St. Louis' whopping six errors. Heck, there haven't been that many mistakes by a group from St. Louis since Tina married Ike. Skip Schumaker made two of the errors as he tries desperately to figure out his new position at second base. Heck, nobody's had that much trouble with second base since the time in eighth grade I got my fingers tangled up in that bra strap.

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Instead of getting the gold plated strikeouts to start the year, Braves fans get poop wrapped up in tinfoil also known as Tom Glavine.

Schumaker will be a fine 2B as long as he doesn't have to throw to first.

Stupid Van Owen.

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