Red Sox 15, Pirates 14 (10): Jon Lester finished a tidy 57-pitch outing then hit the showers to let his mates muddle a one run win in a mid-March shootout. Afterwards, he denied denied denied the Yahoo Sports rumour that he was to sign a heady $30 million extension that would keep him in red socks until at least 2013, only agreeing to answer questions about American Idol. Boston's Josh Bard and Nick Green tater-totted off Tom Gorzelanny while the Pirates' Jose Tabata went 3-for-3 with 4 RBI.
A's 5, Angels 4: Sadsack Bobby Crosby demanded a trade to a team where he could start at SS, was rebuffed, and made his debut at third base all in a whirlwind week thanks to Eric Chavez' creaky joints. He fielded his one chance cleanly while playing the hot corner for the first time since he was an eleven-year-old Little Leaguer. Ironically, Jason Giambi played the game with the same lucky golden thong he's been wearing since he was eleven. Aaron Cunningham had a walkoff single with the bases bloated because he hates springtime shrimp.
Blue Jays 6, Yankees 2: Andy Pettitte came into March like a lion, recording five outs while allowing but one hit to the talented team from Toronto. Russ Adams and Travis Snider collected solo dongs for the winners while young Brett Gardner hit his third tater tot of the month. Ian Kennedy got smoked and the Yahoo recap taught me that Lyle Overbay allegedly had triple hernia surgery on New Years Eve. Ouuuchhh.
Dodgers 13, Rangers 7: Miracles do happen, people. Ned Colletti once tried to return Jason Schmidt to the store because Schmidt was broken, but the no-returns policy forced Colletti to keep the injured Jason stowed away in his closet for almost two years. Welp, Schmidt saw his first action in a long-ass time yesterday, throwing two innings and giving up a massive three-year dong to Taylor Teagarden. Also, ex-Dodger Andruw Jones tater-totted off his old team and received some heady boos, then misplayed a fly ball in the sun that turned into a triple. Whoops!
Padres 16, Diamondbacks 3: They say that spring training is a great time to experiment with new pitches. Then I suppose Diamondbacks fans won't be too sore at new pitcher Jon Garland, whose 'new pitch repertoire' cost his team six hits and six runs. You want to learn a curveball, Jonny Boy? Head down to Hiram Bithorn Stadium and have Dutch pitching coach Bert Blyleven show you a thing or two about a thing or two. Not about curveballs, no, he'll take you out to the local bars and learn ya how to down a dozen coquitos in one sitting.