Micah Hoffpauir Seeks Treasure in Unlikely But Sexy Location

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After recording an out to end the first inning in this weekends Brewers/Cubs tilt, Chicaco infielder Micah Hoffpauir sought out some hidden wonders elsewhere on the diamond. The fine folks at Brewers blog Right Field Bleachers have provided us with an Oliver Stone-esque investigation to determine exactly what Micah's left hand was searching for:

There is nothing inside of Carlos Zambrano's crotchal region for you, Micah. DO NOT SEEK THE TREASURE.

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Get the out at first, grab a stick of juicy fruit.
The taste is gonna move ya.

The only things from Texas are steers and queers and that looked pretty horny. Wait, how does that phrase go again?

If we as humans are anything but constantly evolving then we are surely going extinct. What Micah understands that we do not, is that it is time to say goodbye to this silly and antiquated butt slap congratulatory hell we've been stuck in and move into the NOW.


Before the game, Reed Johnson took Hoffpauir's new Seiko and told him he hid it in Carlos' jock. Silly Micah, he was talking about Marmol, not Zambrano. Everybody knows you can't pitch with a Velatura in your cup.

Zambrano: Why you touch me there? I was already out.
Hoffpauir: I noticed...big boy.

Hoffpauir was just performing the mandatory "cup check"

This isn't going to replace the shrimp video is it?
And I certainly hope t-shirts aren't in the works. Cub fans don't even want to see Hoffpauir humping a baseball.

This is exactly why I'm no longer allowed to attend Little League games.

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