No, Jeffrey Loria, No One Believes You're FDR

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Today at 1 the Miami-Dade County Commission has their vote on whether or not to approve the $359 Million in public funding for the Marlins new stadium. It's the final half of a two headed vote, having received approval from the City Council last week. By one vote. Although the Herald says the "public will be invited to speak at what promises to be a lengthy and, likely, heated affair," I'm expecting the funding plan to clear this hurdle as well.

I am against majority public funding for projects like this and wish governments nationwide would agree on some sort of resolution about it. But as it stands now, if you try and hold out, your team will move. It's a simple equation. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria knows a little something about it since he was part of the bandit crew that took baseball out of Montreal. So if there is still genuine interest in the Marlins down here, and I think there is some, they're going to have to cave to keep their team. But don't believe Loria when he tries and flip this story and tells you he's doing this out of some sort of civic duty. Emphasis mine.

Owner Jeffrey Loria said Sunday that South Florida needs the proposed $515 million stadium because of the economic situation the country finds itself in.

"The timing for the stadium could not be better," Loria said. "People need jobs, people need paychecks."

Loria said he was optimistic the votes would go his way.

"This is a positive thing for Florida and a positive thing for the nation and certainly for the thousands of people who need the work," said Loria, who went back to that theme several times during the interview.

"I am interested in building something great here for South Florida and for this community and seeing it flourish and we can't flourish without a stadium," Loria said.

So it's a positive thing for a nation facing huge debt on every level from condo associations to The Fed to be dropping hundreds of millions of tax dollars on a single project? You know what else would create jobs, Jeff? That exact same stadium with more of your or your partners' own damned money in in it. That would be even GREATER for the nation, you retarded social visionary. It's laughable that he pretends to be interested in creating jobs at all when he had a hand in the folding and relocation of the entire Expos franchise.

If the Marlins want a new stadium to stay economically viable in MLB, then fine. That's what any new stadium is about. Come out and say that, and let the politicians of Miami decide whether or not the local economy will receive a proper return on its investment. You know, even though most economists agree that it won't. But Loria's New Deal Spiel is so transparently manipulative, people oughta be egging his giant house. He's pissing on his $500M retractable roof and telling the people of South Florida it's raining.

Addendum: The good folks at ShysterBall pass along the truly bizarre news of a "Death Clause" in the stadium deal. To summarize, if Loria dies within 7 years and one of his heirs sells the team, the city and county lose their share of the profits. Um, what? As one commenter put it, maybe it's so "sensible taxpayers won't be tempted to off Loria." Lulz.

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SELLING CONCESSIONS IS NOT A JOB. YOU CAN'T FEED YOUR FAMILY, THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH. Studies show annual earnings actually decrease in the areas around massive new sports stadia.

Will you share the profits, Mr. Loria? No you jackass, you will not.

In Loria's defense, the deal also calls for the team to make annual donations to the city for local charities and baseball fields for needy kids. Of course, he'd just pull a Frank McCourt and force his players to fulfill those obligations. Oh wait, he already has.

Can Jeffrey Loria go away now? Please?

This is just like the movie Fletch. In 6.5 years Jeff Loria is going to ask Kris Liakos to kill him. I can't believe you're gonna let this happen Miami!!

This is just like the movie Fletch.

No spoilers!

So if the Miami government calls Loria's bluff and shoots this down, where does the team go? Will we see the Utah Marlins in a few years? Perhaps (for alliteration fans) the Memphis Marlins? And why am I asking so many damn questions?

San Antonio Marlins has a nice ring to it. Actually no, it sounds ridiculous, but that's where they're going.

For alliterative purposes: Utah (Magic Mormon) Underpants

I vote for the San Antonio Rough Riders or the Cave Shrimp.

We'll happily take them here in Portland. In fact, we're breaking ground on a new Triple-A stadium any day, now. Throw on some luxury boxes and jack up beer prices and the place will be ready for prime time.

PHOTO: One man dressed as a desiccated ghost (left) and another dressed as a municipal vampire (right) sign autographs for fans outside a Fort Myers, Florida, Sci-Fi-Con. (AP)

Little known fact: Loria signs autographs alternating between "Thanks for your money, but I still hate you" and "kiss my ass, you stupid commoner". Rumor has it he copped the ideas from Pete Rose...

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