What's Up, Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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newstretcher.JPG Only one more week of spring training. Better start eating your steroids, guys! Payday is comin' soon and in this economy owners are gonna lowball any invalid on the roster.

  • Stephen Drew, Snakes: The Year Of The Abdominal Injury rolls on. Florida State Seminole Stephen Drew has one. It's not serious, but still I'm gonna program in a keyboard shortcut for that ailment. ctrl+apple+ribs. Mmm... applewood smoked ribs.

  • Alex Gonzalez, Reds: Gonzalez "tweaked" his hammy in Monday's game. Dusty Baker said he's "scared" but it's "just a little spot. No defect to the muscle." That's good. If there was a defect in the muscle God would have to put out a recall or something. Like he did with the Dodo Bird. Thing was just bursting into flames like a Pinto.

  • Adam Everett, Nate Robertson, Tigers: Both guys got hurt in the same game this week. Everett sprained an ankle, Robertson sprained his thumb. X-rays were negative for both which is good news, especially for Robertson. He's gonna need that thumb to hitchhike if he posts another ERA north of 6. There's always Gum Time!

  • John Lackey, Torii Hunter, Angels: Lackey has elbow tightness and Hunter borkened his nose on a CF wall. Lackey is being shut down which is bad news for a team that'll be missing Ervin Santana when the season starts too. At least Kelvim Escobar is progressing well. They're gonna need him. There's no denying Hunter's injury, his face was all bloody like Lackey's would have been had he accepted my challenge to fight last fall.

  • Chad Billingsley, Mark Loretta, Dodgers: Both Billingsley and Loretta have groin problems. Just because the Dodgers are in LA doesn't mean they have to subscribe to every new Hollywood Fitness plan. Both injuries were sustained during a morning session of Jodie Sweetin's Extreme Meth Pilates.

  • Ryan Braun, Brewers: Braun's intercostal (read: ABDOMINALALAL REGION) keeps acting up. He thinks he's fine then he gets pulled from a game with pain. X-rays are negative but he's still been told not to swing a bat. Teammate Rickie Weeks told him not to worry, he played all last season without swinging one.

  • Justin Duchscherer, A's: While making his first start of the Spring, Duchscherer's elbow pain returned almost immediately and he's going to start the season on the DL. My sources tell me Duch could be shelved until doctors construct a robot arm capable of pitching a baseball.

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No wallaby rape? They must be busy raping each other.

Honeynut, isn't "phase two" usually the part where they reveal the death ray?

Freetzy, I think Phase 2 has something to do with using poison to paralyze them, then watching them keel over next to your water tank.

I now have a soft spot in my heart for those little ballplayer rapers from down under.

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