Why Haven't Baseball Players Been Invited to the Dance?

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Television network ABC recently rolled out its eighth season of the reality show "Dancing With the Stars", where C-list celebrities and B-list athletes couple up and dance with A-list ballroom dancers to the delight of D-list judges and former game-show hosts. I've never seen the show, but my gramma tells me that they sometimes have football players as contestants. Wikipedia tells me that such luminaries as Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Jason Taylor have taken a twirl around the parquet floor in past seasons to varying levels of success, which got me to thinking: why have we never seen a baseball player on "Dancing with the Stars"?

After all, perhaps ABC could improve on their already stellar ratings by luring this lonely baseball blogger to tune in. Heck if I knew one of our recently retired boys of summer were invited to foxtrot and tango with a comely Pole, I'd set my DVR to 'record'. Picture portly Tony Gwynn doing the mambo or mustachioed Mike Piazza tripping his way through the paso doble. It's ratings gold, I tell you!

Maybe the ad wizards at ABC take one simple glance at their subsidiary ESPN's ratings for Monday Night Football and compare it to ESPN's ratings for Sunday Night Baseball and consider it an easy pick to pluck football players for the show. After all, lots more folks watch individual football games than individual baseball games because football games are ten times more rare. Still, that doesn't completely explain why we haven't seen David Ortiz prancing around in a tu-tu yet.

Perhaps this lack of respect for the sport is just an symptom of a underlying problem: baseball has no marketable and popular stars that everyone loves anymore. Think about it: ever since your mom's favorite player Cal Ripken retired, baseball's biggest stars have either been dastardly steroid users, Yankee playboys, or Dominicans...or all three. Ask your fat Aunt Shirley to name three current players and she'll run off the names Clemens, Bonds, and A-Rod before you can tell her that two of those guys couldn't even get a contract out of Bill Veeck's cold dead hands today, while the third guy shares Aunt Shirley's bad hip problems.

So while baseball continues to increase in popularity, why do its most popular players continue to get more dastardly and controversial? And why are they being left off Middle America's favorite distraction besides county fairs? If you were to cast a current or recently-retired baseball player to appear on this show, who would it be? Curt Schilling? Mark McGwire? Rickey Henderson?


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19 Comments

I'd pay a lot of money to see Greg Maddux on the show.

He'd be technically efficient, but the judges would blast his lack of pizzazz

Are we sure Pete Rose hasn't done this yet? It seems right up his alley.

That dancer now has Mariah Carey's herpes. (Sorry, Rob)

I'd watch just to see A-Rod dance great through the competition then come up lame in the finals.

Two words: RON. SANTO.

Boomer and Rickey

Hey if Heather Mills could do it, why not?

Picture portly Tony Gwynn doing the mambo

I've had that gif surgically implanted in my brain so I see it when I close my eyes.

SWOON!

Here are some names that quickly jumped into mind:

Mark Fidrych - Just because he was one weird dude with that chicken dance.

Paul O'neill- It would be worth it to see him screaming after screwing something up.

Brady Anderson - Just to bring the mutton-chops back.

Ozzie Smith - I bet the Wizard has some dance floor moves. Back-flips baby!!


I was hoping that Manny wouldn't get picked up this year, then get a January call from DWTS. He could not show up for practice, wear a baggy tuxedo, and then knock over Tom Bergeron when his ticket request is rebuffed. What a lovable scamp.

Chuck Knoblauch?

Just realized that the San Diego Chicken would be a great choice.

I would also like to nominate Walt(z) Hriniak for next season. And Eric Cha-Chavez in 2015. I heard that Jose Lind-y Hop tried out, but was rejected.

This just might be a job for Joe Carter.

Brett Myers. Although all his partners better stay arm's length away.

I vote for John Kruk, he already works for the ABC/ESPN networks. And really who wouldn't want to watch Kruk dance?

Chipper, Todd, or Andruw?

AW HECK NAW MAN YOU KNOW OL' CHIP DOESNT DANCE. THE ONLY TIME I FEEL THE GROOVE IS WHEN I AM WITH MY BOYS RASCAL AND FLATT. OTHERWISE THE ONLY WAY YULE GET THESE PAWS TAPPIN IS BY AIMING A SIX SHOOTER AT MY TOES. LISTEN UP I AM A REAL DUDE AND A REAL WORLD STYLE ATHLETE SO I CANT BE RISKING MY IMAGE OR MY ANKLES FOR SOME BROAD DRESSED UP LIKE A CHANDU..CHINDIL.. FANCY LIGHT FIXTURE.

I'd pay to see what Papelbon would do on DWTS. And Chipper, it's a chandelier. It's French.

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