You're F***in' Out, Kris Benson is F***in' In

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Kris Benson didn't stop yelling because that would have meant he lost the fight. As per Dallas area sandwich king Evan Grant, Benson has all but officially earned his spot in the Texas Rangers starting rotation after amassing a tidy 4.76 ERA in 17 spring innings pitched. Hey, it's under six! Sign him up! Manager Ron Washington opinionated that Benson was totally in his five and would relegate Scott Feldman's phone number to the speed dial on the bullpen phone. Feldman, you're f***ing out.

Ex-Pirate, ex-Met, ex-Oriole and ex-Phillies minor leaguer Benson hasn't had a good year since his age-30 season of 2004, which probably was an outlier performance considering his outrageous decline in strikeouts and increase in tater tots allowed since then. The CHONE projections expect him to have an abysmal 5.52 ERA and strike out just 36 hitters in 75 innings pitched. Which really is an improvement for the Rangers pitching staff!

So much for Texas having the best rated pitching prospects around. Ron Washington and the Rangers obviously think Scott Feldman isn't ready for primetime, while Neftali Feliz and Derek Holland will probably be aces up for the Oklahoma City Red Hawks in 2009. (Did you know that was the Rangers Triple-A affiliate? Me neither. Had to look it up. Thanks, Wikipedia.)

At least Kris' beloved spouse and noted famewhore Anna Benson has finally found a place that can appreciate her. After all, where else but Texas would an over-the-hill, beauty-pageant runner-up-finishin', brainless big-booby-monster like Anna be adored?

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"Hey, it's under six!"

fuck it, it's under five. I'm thinking the Rangers won't have a very strong season. prediction: team ERA = +5.0



I saw a game in Oklahoma City one night. Rangers "get called up, get shelled, get sent back" prospect R.A. Dickey threw a two-hitter in a game that took less than two hours to play. Between halves of the 4th or 5th inning, they had the crowd stand up and sing the show tune "Oklahoma!", which was one of the most confusing things I've ever witnessed at a sporting event. Gotta love minor league baseball...

@ed berger
Up until your "gotta love" line, I thought you were talking about an actual Rangers game. Texarkana-klahoma is screwy, ya'll.

Also, I was disappointed at the rumors that East Bound & Down would be no more, but Kris Benson's weekly start should be close enough on the hilarity scale.

favorite piece* so far this year

*excluding my awesome cock


Matt is right.

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