Cardinals 7, Orioles 3: Adam Wainwright pitched well for the Cards; Hayden Penn could not do the same for the Orioles and will probably not get that spot in the rotation that he really shouldn't have wanted anyway. A desire to be in the Orioles rotation is similar to a desire to be the man in charge of giving Tommy Lasorda a Swedish massage. It's just not worth the pounding.
Dodgers 10, Diamondbacks 9: James McDonald fared a bit better than Hayden Penn, allowing three runs in just over four innings. This is progress? Well James is going to be the Dodgers fifth starter which is similar to being Tommy Lasorda's poolboy. It's just not worth the constant skimming of capicola out of the filter.
Red Sox 8, Rays 7: Clay Buchholz made me look like an asshole for suggesting he should be the Sox fifth starter by giving up nine hits and six runs in five innings, including two run tater dongs to Matt Joyce and Gabe Gross. Andy Sonnnanstine pitched well for the Rays despite allowing a homer to Jason Varitek. That's like letting Tommy Lasorda zing you with a bon mot while he's face first in a pile of scungilli.
Rockies 4, White Sox 1: Burly Mark Buehrle logged six quality innings then learned he would take the mound on opening day for his ChiSox. Ozzie Guillen chose Buehrle's name out of a comically large sombrero, and then Irish step-danced his way around the clubhouse to dispel any racial stereotypes.
Another notable event that happened before bedtime was our first ever episode of the Walkoff Walk Furious Five podcast. You can still listen today because the good people at BlogTalkRadio have kindly archived the show for perpetuity. Thanks again to Lloyd the Barber for taking a break from his rec league basketball game to call in and rescue us from ourselves. Also, our April Fools Day prank is that Lloyd is really from Chattanooga, Tennessee.