Angels 5, Red Sox 4: This was the first weekend of real baseball and I watched exactly none of it. Shame, because I missed the first heated bench-clearing tussle. Josh Beckett sailed a high hard one over Bobby Abreu's head and fella took UMBRAGE. Benches cleared, glares were exchanged, and sneers were shot; in the end, nobody got hurt and the Angels won. Fast fact: Jacoby Ellsbury hasn't made an error in 179 straight games, a new Red Sox record for outfielders. He's the Yo Yo Ma of tracking down baseballs.
Reds 2, Pirates 0: Triple plays are so fascist. Aaron Harang threw a 108-pitch shutout which still counts even against the Pirates and Brandon Phillips' two run ding-dong was big enough to feed the entire clubhouse. It's the miracle of the multiplication of the chocolate pastry metaphors! Efficiency was Harang's friend in this contest because God only knows that Dusty Baker wouldn't have pulled him from a shutout performance regardless of the pitch count. The free-swinging Pirates were also kind; nine strikeouts against zero walks will get you home in time for pizza rustica.
Padres 6, Giants 1: What's eating Tim Lincecum? No really, he's got teeth marks on his ankle and his doppleganger avatar has been missing for ten days. Timmy gave up four runs in five innings including Chase Headley's second happy jack of the year. Padres catcher Nick Hundley went 4-for-4, the first time a San Diego catcher collected four hits since Benito Santiago picked four out of five right in Powerball last year.
Mariners 1, Athletics 0: In a game shorter than every single Ron Howard movie ever and with fewer hits than Guy Ritchie's career, Erik Bedard and David Aardsma (new closer alert?!?) combined to shut out the Oakland A's. Bedard and Trevor Cahill went head-to-head with zeroes for a bit until Mike Sweeney drove in the game's only run in the seventh. Manager Don Wakamatsu praised Bedard, calling his performance "exceptionally good, especially the part where he prevented the other team from crossing home plate which would have allowed them to put runs on the board and possibly put us behind in that oh-so-important game category that decides who is victorious and who goes home to a fat wife and queer children."
Marlins 2, Mets 1: The Marlins are good y'all.