Here's what the shit happened in baseball yesterday while I knew I'd make it back one of these days and turn on your TV to watch a man with a face like mine being chased down a busy street.
Cincinnati 8, Atlanta 2: Jay Bruce hit two home runs but the main reason that this is the lead story is because Rob and I are in some league over at the exceptional Razzball where we're supposed to pick the worst team possible. It's very clever and one of these days we'll update our roster. But anyway, some dude in that league, and I honestly can't remember which site he was from, drafted Micah Owings and I said that I thought it was a bad pick because I thought Owings was going to have a good year. He basically called me a retard and said I knew nothing about baseball. And he was right until last night. HOW YOU LIKE OWINGS' 1 ER ALLOWED AND 2 HITS IN 7IP, ANONYMOUS INTERNET DICK?
Blue Jays 4, White Sox 3: Roy Halladay pitched like a mere mortal, but Scott Rolen had the game winning single in the 8th to give Toronto rubber after opposing blowouts. I believe the pitch he hit was a "who gives a damn what I throw it's Scott Rolen, he's old" on the outside corner. That pitch hasn't been very effective lately.
Cubs 10, Cards 3: Baby Bears Dodge Dustpan on Fukudome's career high 5 RBI... OH HIS BIRTHDAY! WHEEE! See that's just another difference between the US and Japan. Here, on your birthday anything you accomplish is endowed with greater significance by virtue of it just being your birthday. Over there, someone draws you a picture of some sort of Demon Fish having sex with your family.
Rox 10, Dodgers 4: Colorado Crushers Sidestep Sweep and Clint Barmes uses a venison corked bat to hit his third tater tot of the season. I dreamed about killing you again last night, and it felt alright to me.
Angels 8, Mariners 0: Anaheim Avoids Broom Bristles with twin tater tots. Howie Kendrick donged along with Juan Rivera. They hit them off Jarrod Washburn who we should have drafted in the Razzball league. HE SUCKS.