Major League Baseball Looking For Experienced Crotch Markers

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Our friend John Branch from the New York Times' Bats, sheds some new light on a story that I've read about so many damned times, it's unbelivable to me that people still write about it. The Times did yet another piece on baseball's army of authenticators that install secret holograms on milestone balls and bats and basically put any fan that catches one in a chokehold then secrets them off to some subterranean memoribilia chamber. It's all stuff you've read about but Branch airs more of baseball's dirty laundry. Apparently baseball players are really attached to their pants.

At the Yankee Stadium opener last Thursday, authenticators collected the jerseys worn by the Yankees players. The team also wanted the pants to be authenticated, but players need to continue wearing them each day. (Apparently, it is fine to swap out jerseys on a daily basis, but don't mess with a player's pants.) So authenticators, using invisible ink and other marking techniques that they did not want to discuss, marked each player's pants. Some time, perhaps at the end of the season, the pants will be collected (for sale or auction), and officials will be able to ascertain that they were worn in the season opener.

Spectacular! You think you have what it takes to draw all over Nick Swishers trousers with a blacklight pen? I bet during the final examination at season's end those things are going to look like a crime scene. David Caruso is going to have to be called in to determine whether or not these were the pants Swisher wore on opening day or the ones he used to commit a string of hobo sex attacks.

Why is this news? Because it has the words "pants" in it. And that's always funny.


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5 Comments

I'm gonna need you guys to go ahead and post a link to the podcast archives. I missed last night's episode and it feels terrible.

Check under Tips on the upper right sidebar, Fartie.

So authenticators, using invisible ink and other marking techniques that they did not want to discuss, marked each player's pants

It involves taint recognition software. Top secret stuff. The smell of a man's taint says a lot about the man

Don't you hate pants?

Ah, sign me up. Will David Caruso whip off his shades, possibly draw his weapon and deliver a classic one-liner?

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