Night of the Tater Tots

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Mini Fine tater tots.jpgHoly. Crap. Last night's 15 games accounted for 41 home runs. 41!! Don't believe me? The Four Letter has'em all in convenient list form. Not even close to the record of 62; but so many balls left the yard last night it left me under empty rows of night windows.

Cardinals 1 HR, Cubs 0 HRs: This game may have only featured one dinger, but it was a king dong off the bat of the King of Dongs himself: Albert Pujols. As tetra tots have been known to do, it put a close game out of reach. Sean Marshall was tagged with the loss though reliever David (Van) Patton gave up Pujols's big shot. The upstart Pittsburgh Pirates scored 10 runs without hitting any home runs. Dudes, get with the times! Six walks and a buncha singles served as the solar cells for this efficient offense. Zack Duke has bookended a terrible start last time out with another 8+ innings of great pitching. The Brewers and Astros went back and forth, hitting 5 homers between them. Prince Fielder knocked two, one of which appeared to be the game winner. A hit batsmen, sacrifice bunt and throwing error on the third basemen undid the Brewers in the bottom of 9 but Ryan Braun walked them off in the 11th.

Rangers 4 HRs, Orioles 1 HRs: The dingeriest team in baseball did their dingery worst to the O's at Camden Yard. Ian Kinsler hit one to lead off the game and added another for good measure in the second inning. Texas leads the league in both home runs (31) and isolated power (.233) which is just a fancy way of saying home runs. The Orioles could only muster 3 runs against the Rangers bullpen, meaning the league may count tonight's loss twice. The Rangers have more home runs than the other three teams in their division combined. Yet somehow the Mariners are now in first place by 3.5 games in the West. They're also the only team in the division with a positive run differential. The M's hit two homers and held on to beat the slumping Angels, Carlos Silva's first pitching win since sometime in June. He must be so proud.

Philies 2 HRs, Marlins 2 HRs: Deadlocked as their tots may have been, the Phillies took the win in this one by virtue of their super rare pitcher tot! Chan Ho Park took Marlins starter Chris Volstad deep in the third inning in what must be the most shameful moment of the young hurlers career. Matt Stairs, he of the awesome tshirts, tied the game in the ninth with a ground out before Chase Utley and Shane Victorino singled (yawn) home the difference-making runs in the 11th inning. Make it five loses in a row for the Marlins, and some signs of life from the underachieving world champs. The New York Mets haven't hit very many home runs this year (11) but they played the Nationals so it didn't matter. The Nats gifted the Mets 4 unearned runs en route to an 8-2 beating. The Nats are bad, ya'll. Chipper Jones celebrated his 37th birthday on Friday night with some small game and a three run home run on Saturday. Congrats Chip!

More Noteworthy Totfests: The Red Sox and Yankees played quite themselves the rugby match at Fenway. Jason Varitek ran into an AJ Burnett that everyone on the Eastern seaboard knew was coming for grand slam. Robinson Cano did his very best, alas he can't pitch. Luckily dreamboat Nick Swisher can, he could easily be called into service tonight after the Yankees used 7 pitchers. Randy Johnson couldn't get out of the fourth inning thanks to his 7 walks but fellow senior Randy Winn picked up his shuffleboard partner with his second jack of the year. Manny went 0 for 5 with 3 strikeouts but the Dodgers still beat the Rocks. Because they're better, you see. The Royals finally fell to the Tigers but they still lead the division as the AL Central is a little sloppy right now. I'm just letting you know AL Central, if you need me to be your life coach, I available. I think you'll find my rates quite affordable, especially when you consider the value I'll bring to your meager existence.

Image courtesy of the Juvie Shop. Thanks to Kris for the tip. Weird, dude.

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Another notable tot was that Justin Upton homered on Justin Upton Bobblehead night.

Very true. That's become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy these days.

Lloyd, Stairs actually came into the Phillies game as a decoy to get Leo Nunez out of the game. The Fish pulled Nunez and went with LHP Renyel Pinto when Stairs was announced, so Manuel countered with Eric Bruntlett and he hit the game-tying groundout.

However, that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate the plug for the Stairs shit. Thanks, pal!

Damn you Yahoo/AP recaps, damn you to hell!!!!

I'm just mad that the Yankees game lasted so long that it pre-empted "Cops".

As someone who spent time in the Cardinals locker room this spring, you calling Pujols the "King Of Dongs" makes me shudder in a very private way.

My name is Pujols, king of kings, look on my dongs ye mighty and despair.

Conor Jackson of the Diamondbacks is a jerk. He spoiled our shrimp fun by hitting a bases loaded single to end the Large Persons / Snakes game in the bottom of the 12th.

EdBerger, you got a shrimp from the Giants last weekend. HOW MANY SHRIMP DO THE GIANTS HAVE TO GIVE?!

I listened through a door as my buddy nailed Conor Jackson's sister.

Good times.

Oh, OK. Thanks, phillas! Didn't notice last night's shrimp 'cause I had a gig.

Just so I get this right; was the Ellsbury steal a true steal of home?

Jon Miller hasn't really mentioned it tonight.

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