Opening Day Lineupstravaganza: Rockies @ Diamondbacks, 3:40PM

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The big news out of Arizona is that manager Bob Melvin is benching third baseman Mark Reynolds and outfielder Justin Upton against the southpaw Aaron Cook. Really, Bob? Playing the matchup game on Opening Day? What will Mama Upton and Mama Reynolds think about that when they babies be ridin' the pine during the biggest day of the springtime? For shame, Mister Melvin. There's a silver lining though: Eric Byrnes is getting the start in right field. He's all kinds of dumb!

Two Cy Young-caliber gentlemen will toe the rubber today, as one-time winner Brandon Webb faces the Rockies ace Cook. Not the team cook, that's a jolly old black man named Rufus who has a secret recipe for huevos rancheros that makes Brad Hawpe giddy with delight. Rox skip Clint Hurdle benched fellow Clint, Clint Barmes, in favor of youngster Ian Stewart. Let's see how that works out.

Anyway, on with the lineups:

Ryan Spilborghs, CFFelipe Lopez, 2B
Seth Smith, LFChris Young, CF
Todd Helton, 1BStephen Drew, SS
Garrett Atkins, 3BChad Tracy, 3B
Brad Hawpe, RFEric Byrnes, RF
Ian Stewart, 2BTony Clark, 1B
Troy Tulowitzki, SSConor Jackson, LF
Chris Iannetta, CChris Snyder, C
Aaron Cook, PBrandon Webb, P

Both teams have catchers named Chris batting eighth. Both teams have third basemen batting cleanup. Both teams have bloggers who live in a different time zone that caused these lineups to be posted way too late for my liking. And really, this is the sort of game I would enjoy watching if I had that nifty service. Hint hint MLB marketing people hint hint give me free stuff.

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I'll be happy to contribute to Rob's fund, just as soon as we raise enough money to buy Wellington Wildcat a new prosthetic arm.

Come on, Rob - its 20 bucks a month. One less handjob a week from that tranny on the corner and you can afford it no problem.

But...but...they're western-style handies!

Ryan Church just flashed a whole lot of leather and showed off his pea shooter all in the same breath as he slid for a Ramon Hernandez liner then threw out Encarnacion at first. Mid-season form for Captain Concussion.

The only consolation to being stuck at home with crippling lower back pain is the fact that it's Opening Day. Kind of makes the searing jolts of agony worth it. Then again, I have a TV in my office at work, so maybe not.

I think you made a mistake, Iracane. You put Tony Clark at 1B for the Diamondbacks. That can't be right.

There's some clown seated behind home plate in Cincy with a Carolina sweatshirt and scarf on, and he keeps standing up, phone to his ear, exclaiming that they're number one. I hope he eats a bad bowl of chili.

Bases full of Metros in Chilitown. John Santana at the plate, two down. HERO OR GOAT JOHAN. YOUR CALL.

After an 8-pitch AB, Johan flies out to mid-center. If the Mets lose this one, you can thank Santana.

Has anyone here ever taken a shit so large it eased lower back pain?

I'm not saying that I have, or that it will ease your pain, Honeynut Ichiros, but it can't hurt.

*hope ya feel better soon, man.


No joke, I am trying to work something loose because I am convinced that it would help. Someone get me some of that Skyline Chili. Or White Castle. Or both.

Three fingers of scotch and some percocet and you will be feeling just fine.

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