The Great Figure: Today's Afternoon Games

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Larry Mize.jpg
  • 12:35, Mets at Reds: The Mets bullpen was shaky but ultimately shut the door last night, ensuring that no matter what happens for the next 5 years I'll probably mention them every single time I talk about the team. Odalis Perez takes on Bronson Arroyo and his carpal tunnel syndrome in today's getaway game. Remember how hot Kim Basinger was?

  • 12:37, Tigers at Blue Jays: Both starting pitchers in this game are making their MLB debut. That's only happened 18 other times since 1901, so that's something. It's always special to have more than one first in the same day. Like smoking angel dust for the first time on the same day you go to jail for the first time.

  • 1:10. Mariners at Twins: Jarrod Washburn is still kicking his game and collecting them checks. He'll be facing Glen Perkins the man with the name that sounds like he should be featured on my other website. The Twins smacked the ball all over the place last night, and Washburn has given up a few dingers in his day. The Twins could easy take 3 our of 4 in this opening series.

  • 1:35, Yankees at Orioles: So did the Yankees fire Girardi yet? AJ Burnett makes his Yankee debut today will try and get his new employers off the schneid. Schneeeeiiiiiid. Ha. Say it. Schneid. Alfredo Simon goes for the Orioles and is easily my favorite way to prepare Simon, beating out Simon Piccata, Simon Marsala and Simon Cacciatore.

  • 1:35, Rays at Red Sox: The Tampa bullpen, which we're all expecting to regress this year, didn't last night. They held off a late Sox rally. Today is Garza vs. Matsuzaka, bringing the fragile peace that comes with a Garzaless Winter to an abrupt end. At least they're not dragging along that clown Johnny Gomes anymore.

  • 1:40, Pittsburgh at St. Louis: I watched a replay of the final round of the 1986 Masters last night. Greg Norman played awful under pressure, as was his wont. Then this morning I saw highlights of him in the Par 3 challenge. He's married to Chris Evert now and they both look like pieces of jerky. Sunscreen, people. I mention this because Chris Carpenter makes his first regular season start since 1986 for the Cardinals today. Norman choked again in '87 and Larry Mize won. He was a huge dork. He dressed ridiculous even for a golfer and during his post 3rd round interview talked about going back to his hotel and taking some muscle relaxers. I love the Masters so much.

  • 2:05, Indians at Rangers: The Indians got another lousy start in Texas last night and fixing shit falls into the trembling delicate hands of one Carl Pavano. Not all of the history is at Rogers Centre today. You know this actually the first time Pavano and Carpenter have pitched on the same day since 1901.

  • 2:05, Royals at White Sox: Davies vs. Jenks for all the frozen custard. Zack Greinke was stellar last night and even caused a little drama for your mama by drilling Carlos Quentin in the back with a fastball. Keep an eye on that one today. A brawl could really perk up your afternoon.

  • 3:35, Dodgers at Padres: Clayton Kershaw makes his 2009 debut and Kevin Correia goes for the Padres. The Dodgers can take 3 of 4 with a win today which can only mean one thing: Larry Mize will win the 2009 Masters.

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Chris Getz is batting leadoff today for the ChiSox. Hit the bricks, Dewayne Wise.

the best part about Mize is he is from Augusta. LOCAL BOY WINS

Milwaukee and San Fran are starting at 4:05, that's not afternoon?

Odds that AJ Pierzynski somehow starts a fight today: 100%

@The Colonel: doubtful, it's going to be pretty quiet today methinks. Sadly.

Rick "Jersey Boy" Porcello cruising through three.

I guess I'll be taking a break from hating the Teegers one out of every five days.

Rob, the Tigers have had just about enough of your hate hoots.


A.J. Burnett is throwing a perfect game!

Through one inning!

Enemy of the Putz and crusty Canadian Joey Votto has a three-run dinger against the Mets today.

It's Pavano time!

Burnett is perfect through two.

Carpenter is perfect through two as well.

the speedy Brett Gardner with another stolen base.

Pavano has already allowed twelve homeruns and was just checked into the hospital with scurvy.

Burn in hell, Brian Roberts.

1-0 O's

The Mets/Reds game has been FANTASTIC if you hate pitching. It's 8-4 Reds after five innings.

Pavano is getting shelled.

The Blue Jays worsening offense is tater totting young Rick Porcello the fuck out of town.

Joey Votto is all man.



the Mark of Tex-ellence or to steal from Rob, Teixera it goes.

1-1 in Bawlamore

He is rocking a 45.00 ERA

Is my mancrush Adam Lind invited to the tot party?

But of course. Travis Snider only hit a double cuz he's but a wee-un

Tater tot Nick Swisher, 3-1 Yankees.

A fan robbed the ball away from Nick Markakis.


fuck even Scutaro hot a tot for the Jays

Swisher Swats Tot?

The game in Minneapolis is FANTASTIC. If you like to see batters looking completely overmatch by two very average left handed pitchers

Dusty Baker is bringing in Arthur Rhodes to face Carlos Delgado. What year is this?

7-1, Pavano is totted again

make that 9-1 Rangers

Pavano's ERA for the day was a cool 81.00

Do not fuck with Jose Molina

Carpenter has a no-hitter going into the 6th and the Cards are losing 1-0. This may be a long year.

You'd have to be crazy to own Pavano in fantasy baseball!

/clicks 'drop' button

someone call Chief and let him know Pavano is available on waivers.

Scotty's fanning 'em for Toronto: she may love BJs but my fantasy team has Downs Sydrome

which is an affliction that makes you misplace 'n's

Chris Carpenter still has a no-hitter through 7 2/3.

Still losing 1-0.

Uh make that 6 2/3. I can't count.

Wow. That didn't go too well now, did it?

I guess the upside is that we don't have to pay off the incentives in his contract.


Uh make that a one-hitter.

/stops caring.

Wow. That didn't go too well now, did it?

I guess the upside is that we don't have to pay off the incentives in his contract.


Fuck Guy Clark.

Just got back from the dentist? What'd I miss?

... (reading) ...

Ugh. This day sucks. At least we have Carl Pavano to laugh at.

Also, looks like my Jersey brethren Rick Procello got roasted. Did you guys know that Porcello is an Italian aperitif flavored with Pancetta? Musky and Delightful!

COSTE RULE: You can't mention no-hitters unless you are a fan of the team.

My spelling and capitalization are way off. Blame the lingering effects of the nitrous. Also, an hour of nitrous in the middle of the workday? BEST IDEA EVER.

Larry Mize is -5 through 14.

CTC is a witch.

4-2 Yanks. Nick Swisher has three ribeyes.

Captain Cantankerous Struck out Staring to lead off the Mets' half of the ninth.

6-2 yankees on a tidy balty-more error.

Francisco Cordero struck out the side. Reds win 8-6. Phillies fans rejoice.

Phillies fans rejoice.

As do us Brave fans.

Molina RBI blooper.

7-2 yanks

Cards hitters finally get some runs for Carpenter. The Pirate pitching overlords have some chinks in their armor. They are all little chinks.

/Kenny Powers paraphrase

Stewart Cink is an little old cink.

Jesu Christo, it's almost time for the mercy rule to be invoked.

Kobayashi Time!

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