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- 12:35, Mets at Reds: The Mets bullpen was shaky but ultimately shut the door last night, ensuring that no matter what happens for the next 5 years I'll probably mention them every single time I talk about the team. Odalis Perez takes on Bronson Arroyo and his carpal tunnel syndrome in today's getaway game. Remember how hot Kim Basinger was?
- 12:37, Tigers at Blue Jays: Both starting pitchers in this game are making their MLB debut. That's only happened 18 other times since 1901, so that's something. It's always special to have more than one first in the same day. Like smoking angel dust for the first time on the same day you go to jail for the first time.
- 1:10. Mariners at Twins: Jarrod Washburn is still kicking his game and collecting them checks. He'll be facing Glen Perkins the man with the name that sounds like he should be featured on my other website. The Twins smacked the ball all over the place last night, and Washburn has given up a few dingers in his day. The Twins could easy take 3 our of 4 in this opening series.
- 1:35, Yankees at Orioles: So did the Yankees fire Girardi yet? AJ Burnett makes his Yankee debut today will try and get his new employers off the schneid. Schneeeeiiiiiid. Ha. Say it. Schneid. Alfredo Simon goes for the Orioles and is easily my favorite way to prepare Simon, beating out Simon Piccata, Simon Marsala and Simon Cacciatore.
- 1:35, Rays at Red Sox: The Tampa bullpen, which we're all expecting to regress this year, didn't last night. They held off a late Sox rally. Today is Garza vs. Matsuzaka, bringing the fragile peace that comes with a Garzaless Winter to an abrupt end. At least they're not dragging along that clown Johnny Gomes anymore.
- 1:40, Pittsburgh at St. Louis: I watched a replay of the final round of the 1986 Masters last night. Greg Norman played awful under pressure, as was his wont. Then this morning I saw highlights of him in the Par 3 challenge. He's married to Chris Evert now and they both look like pieces of jerky. Sunscreen, people. I mention this because Chris Carpenter makes his first regular season start since 1986 for the Cardinals today. Norman choked again in '87 and Larry Mize won. He was a huge dork. He dressed ridiculous even for a golfer and during his post 3rd round interview talked about going back to his hotel and taking some muscle relaxers. I love the Masters so much.
- 2:05, Indians at Rangers: The Indians got another lousy start in Texas last night and fixing shit falls into the trembling delicate hands of one Carl Pavano. Not all of the history is at Rogers Centre today. You know this actually the first time Pavano and Carpenter have pitched on the same day since 1901.
- 2:05, Royals at White Sox: Davies vs. Jenks for all the frozen custard. Zack Greinke was stellar last night and even caused a little drama for your mama by drilling Carlos Quentin in the back with a fastball. Keep an eye on that one today. A brawl could really perk up your afternoon.
- 3:35, Dodgers at Padres: Clayton Kershaw makes his 2009 debut and Kevin Correia goes for the Padres. The Dodgers can take 3 of 4 with a win today which can only mean one thing: Larry Mize will win the 2009 Masters.