Thursday Afternoon Liveglog Club: Brewers @ Phillies, 4/23/09

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Well, well, well! Since things went so well the last time I liveglogged a game, I figured I'd entertain the troops (e.g., bored office workers) with another liveblog today. The Phillies are mashing the ball this year, but the pitching isn't quite as hot. Brett Myers leads the team with an ERA of 5.04 and the Phils are only 6-7.

The Fightin' Phils go up against the Brewers today, with Cole Hamels taking on Dave Bush (a Philly-area local!). I'll be guiding you through this game until I fall asleep from all the Robitussin I've taken for my cold. It starts at 1:05 p.m.!

12:25: Did youse all read that New Yorker article about Adderall, Provigil, etc.? It was okay, I guess. I just read it now. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the game to start. COSTE RULES!

12:28: What's really awesome is that New Yorker article mentioned Piracetam and fish oil. If it had mentioned DMAE, and it would have given me the win on my Supplements That Get Hyped By Twenty Year Olds On The Internet bingo card.

12:34: Before the Phillies game, Comcast SportsNet has decided to show a half-hour pregame show! Ha ha, just kidding, it's actually an infomercial for something called 10 Minute Trainer. I was kind of hoping for the Shark Steam Mop, but this will do.

12:35: You now have to head after the jump to read my ramblings. COSTE RULES!

12:36: Wow, did you know I can get a full workout in just 10 minutes with 10 Minute Trainer? I guess I should have known that from the title.

12:38: Forget this infomercial. The Net is on HBO! Sandra Bullock is frantically searching for a disk right now.

12:42: I don't really remember the plot of The Net. Right now there's a protest for universal health care on screen and Sandra Bullock is running away from nefarious hackers alongside it. What the hell is this movie about?

12:46: Oh, no, Sandra Bullock finally got caught! But she tricked the hackers, and they accidentally ran a virus by hitting the escape key on their mid-90s Macintosh! OS 7.2 for life!

12:49: I believe The Net was originally conceived as a joke by two studio executives. One said, "I bet you can't make a movie about computers that's less realistic than Hackers." The other took him up on his offer.

12:50: By the way, did you know that Bunk from The Wire is in Hackers? He is.

12:53: Isn't it funny that Dennis Miller is in The Net and that dude who kinda looks like Dennis Miller is in Hackers? Eh, I guess it isn't.

12:57: Wait, if I order now, I get free rush delivery on Tony Horton's 10 Minute Trainer! I'll be right back, guys.

1:01: Oh, right: Baseball! I'm up for some baseball today. Cole Hamels against Dave Bush. Hamels' ERA, as you may know, is currently 11.17. Good start to the year.

1:04: I am sure I have mentioned this before on a liveblog, but let's ask it again: Who is the executive at W.B. Mason who decided the office supply company was going to advertise exclusively during baseball games? You know who I bet it was? The Coste Rules guy.

1:08: Hamels opens the game with a strikeout looking. Then he gives up a single. The Phillies are in their day game jerseys today, by the way. BLUE HATS!

1:10: That was quick. A strike-'em-out, throw-'em-out double play ends the top of the first.

1:11: Rob IMs to ask if Chris Coste is actually playing today. He is! Carlos Ruiz is on the DL; Coste has essentially been the regular catcher for a week and a half now.

1:13: Dave Bush's parents have been Phillies season ticket holders for 15 years, the announcers inform us. He celebrates by hitting his first batter of the year in Jimmy Rollins. J-Roll has yet to attempt a stolen base this year (he's hitting .179).

1:17: Let's backtrack for a second here and take a look at the Keys to the Game[TM].


It's good to see the Phillies' Keys to the Game continues the tradition of all keys to the game-type segments, in which no actual keys to the game are given.

1:19: Meanwhile, Chase Utley grounds into a double play to end the bottom of the first.

1:21: Prince Fielder is up. Last night, the Phillies announcers were discussing whether Prince and Cecil Fielder could catch Barry and Bobby Bonds for the most home runs hit by a father-son duo record. This amused me. A lot.

1:22: Fielder strikes out. Only 700 or so homers to go to catch the Bondses!

1:25: Mike Cameron strikes out. J.J. Hardy strikes out. Why, ol' Cole has struck out the side!

1:26: I swear to God the first ad on this commercial break opened with this line: "You know what America needs? We need a comeback. So let's put on our rally caps and dig in. At Chevy..." I'm not buying a car anytime soon, maybe ever... but if I do buy one, I'm going to make sure it's not a Chevy, just because of that ad.

1:28: Ryan Howard and Jason Werth just made outs at the same time, I believe. I'm not quite sure how that happened, but I'm pretty sure it just did.

1:30: Pedro Feliz just went back in time and made an out before Howard and Werth. Weird. It's scoreless after two. In other news, we have our first sighting of the Steak 'Em Up ad! Dance all night, work all day! I know what I want to eat today!

1:33: I also really enjoyed this part of the scouting report for Cole Hamels:


1:35: Hamels gets through the inning with only one strikeout. Boooooo, Cole. Boooooo! FASTBALL???

1:39: Chris "Coste Rules" Coste walks as the announcers inform us that regular catcher Carlos Ruiz will be doing a rehab start for the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. I bet they heard that from Todd Zolecki's Twitter, too.

1:45: As the Phillies went down and stranded Coste, we got a look at the Charlie Manuel bobblehead! Free to all fans next Tuesday!


This is, really, as close as the camera got. Thanks a lot, Phillies broadcasters.

1:46: Corey Hart gets his second base hit of the game, the only two hits for either team in this one. That's because he wears his sunglasses during the day. Oh, you see what I did there?!

1:49: Oof. Ryan Braun hits his third homer of the series ("into the first row above the flower bed," Tom McCarthy says) and it's suddenly 2-0, Brewers.

1:50: We didn't see it on television until the replay, but Prince Fielder just beat out an infield hit. Prince Fielder! The ball actually came right back and hit Cole Hamels right in the arm or shoulder and bounced toward Ryan Howard. Fielder beat the ball to first, somehow.

1:51: Uh-oh. That will be it for Hamels. J.A. Happ comes in to relieve.

1:54: They've shown the replay a couple times. I'm no doctor, but I'll diagnose this as a career-ending bruised shoulder right now. (Actually, the ball came back and hit him pretty hard, but I can't imagine it's going to be serious. It'll just be a bad bruise. I guess. I hope?)

1:57: Wouldn't it be an awesome Office episode if Dwight got into a fight with the W.B. Mason guy? Somebody get Ken Tremendous on the phone.

1:58: J.A. (pronounced "Jay") Happ strikes out Mike Cameron to continue the K parade for the Phillies today. Unfortunately for the local nine, they don't yet have a hit.

2:01: After a walk, Jayson (pronounced "Jason") Werth catches a Bill Hall pop fly to end the inning. Initial reports show Cole Hamels' arm has fallen off. Or maybe I just made that up.

2:04: The announcers tell us Cole Hamels has left the game with a "left shoulder contusion." Shane Victorino celebrates by lining one just foul down the first base line.

2:12: Sorry about that delay. I was doing 8 Minute Abs. That's two minutes better than 10 Minute Trainer. Utley hit into a FC, Ryan Howard had a long fly-out and now Jayson Werth (who needs to grow his hair long again, my uncle called to tell me the other day) is up.

2:13: Werth grounds out. Maybe there is some sort of Samson-type thing with him, I don't know. I'll have to consult my uncle.

2:15: I found an article that is somehow even more exciting than this liveblog! I know, I know, it's hard, but look: cap.2009. You should note this is a Yahoo! Sports exclusive.

2:17: J.A. Happ strikes out another guy, this time catcher Mike Rivera. Pitcher and hometown boy Dave Bush (who said he cried after the Phillies lost the 1993 World Series) hits a grounder up the middle for a hit. Aw, that's nice for him.

2:18: After a Rickie Weeks hit, runners are on first and second with one out. Forget this "Aw" nonsense.

2:22: Ryan Howard catches a Corey Hart liner, then fumbles the ball trying to double off Dave Bush at second. Oh, goodie, now Ryan Braun gets to come up with two on and two out.

2:23: Fielder comes up. Here's the graphic they show before a replay of Fielder's liner that hit Cole Hamels:


Most exciting injury graphic possible, I think.

2:26: And Prince Fielder hits an opposite-field three-run double. Of course. It's 5-0, Brewers, and J.A. Happ walks Mike Cameron for good measure afterward.

2:28: J.J. Hardy grounds out to Happ to end the top of the fifth. Based my track record this year, the Phillies are poised for a big comeback. I know, I know: Small sample size. But I can hope.

2:32: The Phillies just hyped dollar dog night by playing a soundtrack of barking dogs as we came back from break. Raul Ibanez starts things off right in the bottom of the fifth with a walk, though. Let's put on our rally caps for America!

2:34: Speaking of barking dogs, this is the Beatles of barking dog novelty records -- literally. I think that album got a 10.0 from Pitchfork.

2:37: That Ibanez walk was about as useful as a novelty dog barking record, as the next three batters made outs all at the same time or something. We're through five, and it's 5-0, Brewers.

2:40: Some pitcher allegedly named "Jack Taschner" (I'm not buying it) is now in for the Phillies. I'm really pumped to learn about this mysterious character on the upcoming MLB Network reality series The 'Pen (or something), which should start in about June or so.

2:43: This mysterious stranger with an ERA over 7.00 puts the side down in order. Those noted hitless wonders, the Phillies, are coming up after another 17 ads for McDonald's coffee and employee pricing++.

2:45: The Phillies' announcers are now in full-on jinx mode, talking about Dave Bush's chances for a no-hitter and how the Brewers have only had one no-no in franchise history. Now that's a way to start a rally.

2:48: Rollins makes Bush use nine pitches, but he strikes out. Ehm, at least he's making him work? Hey, it's something.

2:51: No help for the Phillies here as they go down 1-2-3. Dave Bush is mowing down the Phils like they're the opponents of that high school kid who has thrown four straight no-hitters.

3:00: The Brewers are doing their best job of making their pitcher wait before coming back to the mound with a hit, a fly-out and a walk so far this inning. "Jack Taschner" is still in for the Phils.

3:05: Hey, there we go. Taschner's ERA is now down to 5.40, the Phillies are out of the inning and Dave Bush comes back to the mound only nine outs away from a no-hitter. On the downside, I just saw that Chevy rally caps ad again.

3:08: The Phillies' announcers are in full-on "let's try to jinx this no-hitter" mode now, as they're now mentioning it every other breath. Ryan Howard flies out to Ryan Braun to open the inning.

3:11: I'm of the opinion that one can only unintentionally jinx a no-hitter. For example, a Phillies fan (say, me) writing "Dave Bush could throw a no-hitter!" wouldn't jinx it, but a Brewers fan (say, Bud Selig) saying that would jinx it. Dave Bush hits Jayson Werth; Raul Ibanez is up.

3:13: Fun fact: Raul Ibanez started his minor league career as a catcher! The announcers just let us know this right before Ibanez flew out to Ryan Braun. Pedro Feliz is up.

3:15: Dave Bush is through seven. Oooh! An Ibanez groundout to third ends the bottom of the seventh. I'm going to take a nap during the top of the eighth; I'll be back for Chris Coste's at-bat in the bottom half. I know he'll be the one to break it up! (Because he rules.)

3:20: My nap was interrupted by a Bill Hall homer off Chad Durbin; the ball was actually hit so hard it landed on my couch and woke me up. Thanks a lot, Durbin. That's the second homer of the day for the Brewers. 6-0. Phillies fans, you can officially root for a no-hitter now. This one's over.

3:23: Durbin's out of the inning. The Phillies have given up a major league-leading 31 homers this season. Thirty-one! Already! A couple of them were probably cheap ones in Citizens Bank Park, but that's still a pretty sad total.

3:25: Don't you know what Irish Viking fans with neck braces say about Chris Coste, Charlie Manuel?! They say that he rules. Because he does, indeed, rule! And you have just ignored that by pinch-hitting for him with Greg Dobbs here.

3:27: Really nice play by Bill Hall to keep the no-hitter intact. Dobbs grounds it down the third-base line and Hall manages to get him by a half step.

3:28: Matt Stairs is up. If I ever get a cat, I'm going to name him Cat Stairs. Or maybe Harry "The Cat" Walker.

3:29: Goodbye, no-hitter! Pinch hitter Matt "Cat" Stairs hits a homer off the right-field foul pole. Does this mean I can stop liveblogging, Rob?

3:31: I'm going to finish, don't worry. (I do not quit in the middle of a liveblog, I just half-ass it the whole way.) J-Roll flies out to center to continue his torrid stretch to open the season, but Shane Victorino singles to left to chase Bush. He gets a nice round of applause from the mean ol' Philadelphia fans, who would never do something like that.

3:35: Reliever Mitch Stetter gets Chase Utley to ground out and the eighth is over. Now this is just a boring old regular Phillies-get-whooped game instead of a no-hitter. Meh.

3:42: The Phillies make a ton of changes before this inning, none of which are interesting enough for me to report. But this is: Prince Fielder just got hit by a pitch for the third time this series! Eh, "interesting" is a relative term here.

3:44: Brad Lidge gets out of the inning despite allowing two baserunners. And here's the Phillies' last chance for today! Howard, Werth and Ibanez are coming up.

3:49: 1-2-3, and that's the ballgame, and the liveblog. I need a nap.

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I have my broccoli all ready to go, positioned stem first on my plate.

Bingo cards in a liveblog? I think Suss has a patent on that.

I'm sure The Net has aged wonderfully.

As has the movie Hackers. I'm not sure I could recreate the excitement one character has over a 28.8 kbs dialup modem.

I'd read that article on adderall but it's too long and I'm out of adderall.

I think that "War Games" starring a young Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy stands up against the test of time.

The same goes for Doogie Howser and his "computer" journal

Isn't it funny that Dennis Miller was AN ACTOR?

Isn't it funny that Dennis Miller wasn't a total fucking capitalist pig at one point in his life?

And no, Kris, he was never an actor persay. More like a reader of lines.

How long would it take to have some Tim Horton's shitty donuts delivered to you from shitty Canada?

Isn't it funny I miss Dennis Miller on MNF since Tony Kornheiser was hired?

Hamels better get his shit together, he's on my fantasy baseball team.

/no one cares about my fantasy baseball team.

Isn't funny that "isn't it funny" is now the only context you can use the word "funny" in when talking about Dennis Miller in 2009?

Why whiparound? Because it isn't funny. Guy Clark referred me.

I care very much about your fantasy team, UU and I hope that Cole Hamels plays the role of the tire fire that Scot Shields and Verlander started last night.

So am I, like, the last baseball fan in existence that doesn't have a fantasy team or...?

I am embarrassed to admit one of my fantasy team employs a starting pitcher in this game and it is not Cole Hamels.

How did "score more runs than the Brewers" not make that "keys to the game" list?

How come they don't follow the standard listicle format of "two things is a pair, three things is a listicle" when mentioning the keys?

Remember, progress from Hamels isn't the key to the game, Hoping to see progress is the key. So wishing is a key to today's game.

I had no idea what W.B. Mason sold until this live glog. thanks Dmac!

I'm also boycotting Chevy for their ads, mainly the this is our country ads and the ones with Howie Long in them.

also, a nice little pitchers duel between the Royals and Tribe today.

Anthony Reyes in a pitchers duel? Are you sure that maybe its just an 'ineffective lineup duel'?

Via CJ Wilson's Twitter: when we score tonight-our bullpen will chant USA USA.

I'm gonna need confirmation on this.

to be honest, i thought W.B. Mason made those jars... office supplies??

Kyle Lohse just balked in a run. This may be a long day.

ooo... Pujols go boom...

The Tribe game is good, but I think I'm going to get high and go see Crank: High Voltage anyway.

Walkoff Walk, your source for inaccurate Cole Hamels rumours and stoner Indians fans.

In 2005 Santana lead the league in FIHS (Fielding Independent Handshaking) but still lost the Cy Young to Bartolo Colon

The Modell's in South Philly is a sad place to be at 1 in the afternoon on a weekday. Trust me.

The info on my XM Radio says "Top 5th 5 Out"

Maybe the Phillies are banking outs to be used in later innings?

Woo, my fantasy pitcher has a no hitter through 5!

Were you waiting to use the Barkers for that specific instance? You are a liveglog witch.

Dave Bush is mowing down hitters as if he were some sort of specially-abled dog athlete.

Dave Bush is mowing down hitters as if he were some sort of lawn mowing athlete.

Dave Bush is mowing down hitters as if he were that Honda lawn mower in the Chevy commercials

Dave Bush is mowing down hitters as if they were mowable things that he had no regard for.

It's as if Dave Bush is saying to the Phillies, "your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower".

Will Dave Bush be able to join the elite company of Bud Smith and Jose Jimenez? Let's find out . . .

Didn't Bush flirt with a no hitter last year? I vaguely remember him giving the bedroom eyes to a no no

Dave Bush is mowing down men as if he were some sort of homer-sexual.


On this day in 1946, Ed Head threw his no hitter. On April 23, 1964, Ken Johnson threw a no hitter for the Houston Colt .45's and lost.

He faced Jamie Moyer that day


Hey! The Mets' relief corps doesn't suck anymore! Now all their crappy pitchers are in the starting rotation! Good ol' Livan Hernandez was taken out in the fifth inning after coughing up seven runs.

Only Rob can leave the readers hanging by ending a liveglog early.

/cracks whip

If I ever get a cat, I'm going to name him Cat Stairs.

Don't ever say you half-ass anything, son. That's a real web-gem.

Thanks, D-mac!

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