You know what hurts? I'll tell you what hurts. Getting smacked in the face with a shovel. THAT hurts. Once one of these ballplayers misses a game because he got smacked in the face with a shovel I'll stop calling these guys creampuffs, ninnies, nancies, fruits, flakes, fragile porcelain mice, and wimps. But not until then. Now, they are still all of the above.
- Brian McCann, Braves: McCann had blurry vision all week that has now been corrected with a contact lense. I think he's been reading in the dark like his mom told him not to. AND eating cookies in bed.
- Rocco Baldelli, Jed Lowrie Red Sox: Oh, Rocco. We just love you too damn much around here, esp now that you and I are Bros For Life. We're not going to say anything bad about your hamstring strain. We're just going to hold our breath until you get off the 15 day DL. I'll probably pass out after like 2 minutes, but whatever. Lowrie had wrist surgery and will be swinging a bat again in 6 weeks. He'll continue to be a swinger, sexually, throughout his entire rehab.
- Marcus Thames, Tigers: This week's midsection sickie . He has a "severe" ribcage strain. I just did a google image search for "strained rib cage" cause I had this witty joke I was gonna make. It's all pictures of baseball players. I guess that's a good enough joke right there.
- Andrew Miller, Jorge Cantu, Marlins: Guess what Miller has. Nope, not lice. Good guess though. Oblique strain! He's on the deel. Burke Badenhop replaces him on the roster instantly overtaking Kelly Johnson as the girliest named player in MLB. And that's saying something. My name is Kris. Sassy Senior Jorge Cantu has a minor wrist thing. In his abdomen. Wait, what?
- Darren Oliver, Angels: Oliver is the sixth Angels pitcher to land on the deel already. And Kelvim Escobar had a setback. That's tough stuff. Where is Christopher Lloyd when you need him? No not because of that movie, but because I pay him to mow my lawn. And it needs mowing.
- Doug Mientkiewicz, Dodgers: Florida State Seminole Doug Mientkiewicz had shoulder surgery and will be out until September. That's a long time to be without a lousy hitter and late inning defensive replacement. Tread lightly Dodger fans.
- Ryan Doumit, Pirates: Doomy (that's what I call him) is out about 2 months with a broken wrist bone. Which is connected to the hand bone. Which is often connected to a High Life.