Baseball Before Bedtime: Blasphemous Rumours

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Here's what happened in baseball last night as a tear fell from her mother's eye:

Tigers 4, Rangers 0: That $39 million is finally paying off, Dave Dombrowski! Dontrelle Willis and four relievers combined to one-hit the otherwise power-hitting Texas squadron and the Tigers took the first game of the series between two first place teams. Willis went six and a third, allowing one hit and two walks while striking out five. Looks like the Zoloft is working.

Yankees 9, Orioles 1: It's CC Sabathia's life, it's now or never. He's not gonna live forever. He just wants to live while he's alive. Also, A-Rod tater-totted for the fourth straight game while his old pal Mark Teixeira collected two dongs. Either A-Rod is better protection in the lineup than Hideki Matsui or someone secretly poured some steroids on Texy's Cocoa Puffs.

Braves 8, Rockies 1: Todd Helton finally collected his 2,000th career hit but it was all for naught as Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens scattered three hits and three walks over seven innings and got some run support from Casey Kotchman. The Kotch enjoyed his new spot in the 2 slot of the lineup with two doubles and three RBI and celebrated after the game with a Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich, extra spicy please. Yunny Escobar is your new leadoff hitter, Braves fans.

Red Sox 2, Blue Jays 1: In the series where I have no idea whom to root for, Tim Wakefield shut down the Jays enough over eight innings to make up for the fact that David Ortiz still can't hit. Papi returned to the lineup after his lost weekend and went hitless but the aged Wakefield fooled Aaron Hill and the Gang with his loopy knuckleball, allowing just five hits to the worsening Jays offense. Kevin Millar collected a solo dong, continuing the Red Sox starters affinity for allowing homers this year.

Cardinals 3, Cubs 0: Yeah, St. Louis had fallen out of first over the past couple of weeks but Joel Pineiro cares not to be the guy to extend a losing streak. Dude pitched a three-hit shutout over Sweet Lou's kids, retiring 23 of his last 24 batters faced and topping the night off by striking out Alfonso Soriano. Not like that's such a difficult task. Yadier Molina hit cleanup for the Cards in this affair, joining brother Bengie Molina who hit cleanup for the Giants and brother Jose who cleaned up the sunflower seeds in the Yankees bullpen.

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Meet your new leadoff man
same as the old leadoff man (at least for a chunk of games last year)

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