Baseball Before Bedtime: Cover Me

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Here's what happened in baseball last night when the whole world was out there just trying to score:

Brewers 1, Cardinals 0 (10): Will Chris Carpenter ever give up an earned run this season? Does it matter when his team can't score any runs of their own? Carp and Brewers hurler Yovani Gallardo carried matching no-hitters through the sixth inning; both left the game after eight scoreless innings and neither factored into the decision. Bill Hall produced the game's first and last run on a walkoff hit in the tenth off Kyle McClellan. This is like showing up late to your Memorial Day BBQ and only being able to enjoy a slice of Aunt Mabel's famous strawberry rhubarb pie.

Yankees 11, Rangers 1: Alex Rodriguez showed the Rangers fans exactly what he could do off the juice, going 5-for-5 with 4 ribs and raising his batting average 70 fat points. The entire Yankees offense feasted on Rangers pitcher Matt Harrison's rotting corpse with each starter notching a hit. A-Rod's performance reminded me of the BBQ where I picked up a half rack of smoky ribs in each hand and gorged myself as if I were some sort of power-eating caveperson.

Indians 11, Rays 10: Being down by ten runs is no way to enjoy a Memorial Day. So the Indians made an emergency trip to the gas station for a 24-pack of Miller Lite, swung by the Piggly Wiggly for some hot dog buns and some Hebrew National franks, and dropped a seven-spot in the ninth inning to topple Joe Maddon and his stunned Rays. "Relievers" Dale Thayer, Randy Choate, Grant Balfour, and eventual loser Jason Isringhausen blew it in the final inning. Interesting note as per the AP: "It was the largest blown lead in Rays history. Tampa Bay had twice led games 10-2 before losing 20-11 each time--to the New York Yankees in 2005 and Cleveland in 1999."

Athletics 6, Mariners 1: The A's backed Brett Anderson's good start with decent offense but the real story of the game was Jason Giambi's boner. With Matt Holliday on first, Giambi trotted down towards first on what he thought was ball four, sending Holliday ambling down towards second base. Problem was, that was just ball three and Holliday ended up getting caught in a rundown leading to his demise on the basepaths. Giambi's real boner actually happened during the post-game BBQ when he knocked over a platter of Orlando Cabrera's special jerk wings.

Padres 9, Diamondbacks 7 (10): The Pads took their tenth contest in a row, this time coming from down six runs late to top a struggling D-Backs pen. Chase Headley's two-run tater tot in the tenth was the deciding factor but the San Diego relief crew deserves a fat pat on the back: they've given up but one run in the past 33 innings, y'all! Manager Bud Black wasn't around at the end of the game after he was tossed during the sixth arguing a force-out play. That's like being stuck puking your guts up in the woods while your buddies are all enjoying grilled pineapple on top of vanilla ice cream.

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Holliday's boner.

By the end of Little League you should know to always keep the count on the basepaths, especially when the "special" kid comes up to the plate. Stay on first and point Giambi's Neanderthal ass back to the box.

By the end of Little League I was too concerned about going to Howard Johnson's for hot dogs and ice cream sundaes to waste time worrying about silly things like "the count" or "putting your glove up to protect your face from getting walloped by a fly ball".

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