Here's what happened last night in baseball while everyone was on everyone's drugs.
Yankees 11, Orioles 4, Red Sox 8, Blue Jays 3: Though the Yankees and Sox weren't playing each other last night, they engaged in a long distance arms race. In Baltimore, Swisher, Cano and Cabrera went back-to-back-to-back off the straight strugglin' Jeremy Guthrie in the 2nd inning. The game stayed close before NY hung 6 runs on the Bodymore bullpen in the 8th.
Meanwhile, in Boston the Red Sox hit 5 happy jacks off of Toronto phenom Brett Cecil. 4 of them came in a 4 dong, 6 run 5th inning. Even Papi Ortiz went yard. I was doing the press box thing last night and was concerned about not being able to cheer if Ortiz did finally go tot. Luckily I had taken a little stroll around the park to fill out an all-star ballot when he hit it out. I cheered. But still, don't get too excited Sox fans. He still looks awful up there. Brad Penny got tagged all game but luckily they were hit right at his outfielders. Jacoby Ellsbury tied the single game putout record with 12.
Reds 5, Phillies 1: Cincinnati snapped a 4 game skid by riding the Droopy Dog jowls of Aaron Harang. Dude threw 7 innings of 9K/4H ball. Brandon Phillips had 3 RBI. The only Philly run came on a Raul Ibanez solo joint.
Cardinals 2, Cubs 1: As my dago colleague pointed out, and Tuffy so eloquently recapped, this was Chris Carpenters ninth career start coming off the DL. Wow. But I guess there's a reason St. Louis keeps welcoming him back. Much like Abe Lincoln the guy is great when healthy. His 5 scoreless upstaged Ryan Dempsters seven solid innings. Khalil Greene had a sac fly! Rejoice!