Reds 6, Astros 1: Feasting on the NL Central be damned, the Reds are a springtime force to be reckoned with. The Fightin' Dustys swept the stinkeroo Astros right out of Cincinnati behind Jay Bruce's twin tater tots and Bronson Arroyo's five-hitter. They're six games over .500 and just a game and a half out of first now. Fear not, worrywarts: Arroyo's complete game cost his arm only 92 pitches and lowered his ERA over 60 points.
Marlins 6, Phillies 2: If you can only manage one run in five inning off a fella named Burke Badenhop, it's time to reevaluate things. The Phillies fell victim to the Burkester tonight as the top three hitters in the lineup combined to go 1-for-11 in the game; Carlos Ruiz' solo dong was the only blemish for Badenhop. Brett Myers got smacked around, allowing homers to Dan Uggla and Cody Ross and he eventually left the game with right hip inflammation. A little club soda will get that out.
Mets 7, Nats 4: Johan Santana notched 11 strikeouts in six innings against a very strikeoutable team but was pulled before he could amass any dominance. Those 120 pitches will do that to a guy. The Mets pen struck out four more Nats in the final three frames and manager Jerry Manuel actually struck out Adam Dunn during his post-game presser. This just in: Mr. Met just struck out racing President Abraham Lincoln, who has a 59-inch strike zone.
Orioles 12, Blue Jays 10 (11): In a game where Roy Halladay had a tidy five-run lead after seven innings, nobody expected Jesse Carlson to give it all away in the eighth or for rookie Nolan Reimold to walk off with the winning three-run tater tot in the eleventh after the O's had fallen behind by two. That's nine L's in a row for Cito and the boys. Please let this helpful listicle from Drunk Jays Fans guide you in your psychological evaluation of the fragile mental state of the typical Blue Jay fan.